the goddess - first half of act one

"My life has gotten a little more complicated
than my ability to describe it. That used to
be the definition of madness,
now it's just continuous overload."

- Bharati Mukherjee

SETTING

The entire play takes place in JUNE and ZEV’s home. Literally, however, the audience faces a blank stage with chairs around the edge on which the actors sit while the main action occurs in the open space before them. Rather than “enter” the “room”, the actors rise before they appear and wait on the edge observing until they are cued. A prop may be used to signify a certain space, such as a large leather chair for ZEV’s study, which the actors move and remove themselves.

CHARACTERS


JUNE - The wife.


ZEV - The husband.


DYLAN - The son.


FAITH - The daughter.


SUZETTE - The caterer.


CHEECHY - The best friend.


HELEN - The actress.


IONA - The ingenue.







ACT ONE


SCENE ONE


(A light rises on JUNE standing alone center stage surrounded by darkness. She addresses the audience directly: )

JUNE

Let’s get one thing straight from the start... don’t fuck with me. I’ve played this game since time began and I don’t lose. Ever. I’ve pushed two seven pound babies through a hole in my body which alone proves I have superhuman powers. I taught myself how to be married, manage a household, give a dinner party. I placate my in-laws, listen to friends and exasperate the help. I learned what the world expected - my parents, my husband, my children, their teachers, movies, television - how they think a mother, a wife should act. How to act in a crowd, act like I’m happy, act like I care. All without a book, the internet, without a class at the Learning Annex, without Oprah or Martha Stewart, without knowing all the little tips that make things easy. I don’t walk in the beauty salon fresh and pretty, nervous about my first bikini wax. I’m used to it. I like it. There’s something familiar about the sting in such a private place. Oh no, I’ve been here awhile. I can tell you, this late in my emotional and social career, I’m not the one to fuck with. (A tray appears. JUNE plucks off a small hors d’oeurve without taking her gaze from the audience.) SUZETTE!!!

(SUZETTE appears, rather frantic and wide-eyed.)

SUZETTE

Yes???

JUNE

What is this?

SUZETTE

Why, uh, it’s a tasty like we talked about.

JUNE

Suzette... “darling”... I don’t recall talking about this. (She plucks from the “tasty” a shrimp which she holds midair in disdain.)

SUZETTE

(Closely examines the shrimp held before her face.) I think it’s a shrimp.

JUNE

(To the audience) Still with me? (Back to SUZETTE.) I know what you think it is. Where are the “prawns” Suzette?

SUZETTE

(She gasps and answers excitedly.) Oh! Well, uh, darling, we all know prawns are just overgrown shrimp, don’t we? (To the audience.) Don’t we?

JUNE

“Overgrown shrimp”, as you cleverly call them, may be candidates for Canyon Ranch but have no place here. Shrimp are the navy blue of catering. Make a note... prawns.

SUZETTE

Whatever you want! (Scampers off.)

JUNE

Exactly. (Back to audience.) You’re thinking the lower alphabet names about me - the B word, the C word - aren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ve heard them all more times than I can count. See that woman, she’s in my husband’s new film. Zev says she admires me, impressed I spin family and social plates while keeping my looks. Please, “my looks”... I’ve earned my keep. She thinks she’s clenched the deal by wagging Zev’s tongue. She’s not even close. I’m not just the wife watching her, talking to you, making everything orbit around me. I’m the Goddess. One thing she forgot is when you strike the Goddess, strike to kill. (HELEN appears.) Helen...

HELEN

Good God, have you seen? All that whiney crap on the lack of couture in Texas... spare me. Her shoes are half a step from house slippers. One drawback of being Republican is not having gay friends for advice. “They make your bedsheets match, you sleep with them” is what I say.

JUNE

Helen?

HELEN

(Lighting a cigarette.) Yes, dear.

JUNE

Is there anything you’d like to tell the people?

HELEN

(Looking up to the audience and smiling slyly.) Oh... hello darlings. (Aside to JUNE) Looped are they?

JUNE

Mmmm...

HELEN

Well I’m so pleased you could come. Really.
Now the bar is right over there and I’d love to chat but...

JUNE

Dear?

HELEN

Yes?

JUNE

I meant tell them something about me.

HELEN

Oh. Which thing about you?

JUNE

Something divine.

HELEN

Oh... yes... well... you have lots of shoes. Gobs of them if you asked me for numbers. (Aside to JUNE again through her clenched smile.) Are they Cheechy’s friends darling? They look a little “happy” if you catch my drift.

JUNE

Dear Helen cuts to the chase. Yes, I own shoes.

HELEN

Pssst... June, over here. (Back to the audience.) Mingle! Mingle! (Takes JUNE aside and whispers.) So what are you going to do?

JUNE

I know, I’ve already had a word with Suzette.

HELEN

Not Suzette too?

JUNE

The last thing I need is some bulimic trophy wife catching “weight” and blaming it on me and those fossilized shrimp.

HELEN

Darling, you’re so brave.

JUNE

I suppose. But why?

HELEN

Zev... your husband! And her! (Gesturing across the stage.)

JUNE

Oh... that. Calm down. What should I do, grab her hair and slam her to the rug?

HELEN

Since she had the nerve to appear at all, you have free reign to make it ugly. A few well-aimed cheesy things, noone would bat an eye.

JUNE

This is a graduation party for my son, not a food fight. Bad enough I had to invite Zev’s movie people at all.

HELEN

You mean her.

JUNE

Well she is in his movie.

HELEN

Zev’s the producer, zillions of people work for him. That cast is full of ninnies you wouldn’t dare allow here. Look at her in that knock-off D-K-Who-Knows-Y with her heaving bosoms... those SO-CALLED bosoms. Makes me want to puke, I’ll tell you.

JUNE

Honestly, Helen... jealousy is so ugly in an older woman.

HELEN

If you ask me, what’s ugly is some perky young “girl” flaunting
her instruments of death in your face.

JUNE

Now darling, don’t let a plastic lump the size of a baby’s head intimidate you.

HELEN

Two lumps.

JUNE

You’ll survive.

HELEN

Aren’t you blasé? I guess she does have something.

JUNE

(Turns.) Something? What kind of something?

HELEN

Oh you know... “something”. After all, she is an actress. She seems... colorful.

JUNE

Colorful can be a wonderful character trait if you’re a tree.

HELEN

(Patting her cheek.) That’s my girl... stiff upper lip. I knew you’d handle the competition.

JUNE

Competition? She’s hardly a blip.

HELEN

Of course.

JUNE

Blipless.

HELEN

But still... something...

JUNE

Stop it. Next you’ll insist she’s ditzy or impulsive or some other girly thing.

HELEN

Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. Up-and-coming actresses never put the move on successful producers, do we? God forbid we perpetuate a cliché. Well I must get back to Planet Cocktail and try remembering who Boyd works with. (Smiling to the audience.) Excuse me, I see other people. (EXITS.)

JUNE

Helen and I met at acting school ages ago. Helen “vibrated youthful vigor” while I was the shy one - meaning she had the talent. My parents were under the delusion Helen would keep me out of trouble but she turned men into mewling kittens. Boyd was a good catch for her, even if I thought him a bit dull at first since she was becoming a minor star and he was on the producing end. Then I met Zev who was also a “suit”, wore one like he was born in it. I bought him his first pair of cufflinks in 1969 - smiley faces, can you imagine? Our marriage was doable as long as I knew he wore those smiley faces.

(ZEV appears wiping his brow and holding a drink.)

ZEV

Aghh... is it hot in here? I’m warm. What do you keep the thermostat at now anyways?

JUNE

It’s not hot, it’s crowded. There’s at least fifty people here.

ZEV

Fifty? Hot as it is, it feels like a thousand. There must be a thousand people in here.

JUNE

It just seems like it because they’re all staring at her.

ZEV

Oh God, don’t start.

JUNE

You started by bringing these people.

ZEV

Well what was I supposed to do? It’s my son’s graduation party.

JUNE

Did you have to invite her and it and it?

ZEV

(Stage whispering to JUNE) They’re real.

JUNE

Ladies and gentlemen, my so-called husband.

ZEV

(Sees the audience.) Oh Christ. (Aside to JUNE.) Are they friends of Dylan’s?

JUNE

Not that I know of.

ZEV

Maybe I should mingle.

JUNE

Maybe you should invest in implants.

ZEV

Very funny. I’m telling you June, they’re all her. Go touch ‘em.

JUNE

I suppose you have?

ZEV

Just throw one of those cheesy things on her, noone will see.

JUNE

This sounds familiar.

ZEV

Then brush it off with the back of your hand and press firmly on the breasts.

JUNE

You sound like a cooking show.

ZEV

So I like breasts. (To the audience.) I’m a breast man.

JUNE

We heard. The whole party heard.

ZEV

It’s nice you had this whole deal for Dylan. I’m not good at these things like you are.

JUNE

It’s called raising a child.

ZEV

Don’t start.

JUNE

Don’t put gas in the engine then.

ZEV

Why don’t you take a little trip or something?

JUNE

Where do I need to go?

ZEV

I don’t know... go to Ibiza, go to Paris! Take Cheech, you love traveling with Cheechy.

JUNE

Ibiza's out. Besides, Cheechy’s sworn off flying. What’s this about anyway?

ZEV

Just an idea. I’m working like crazy and don’t want you feeling put out.

JUNE

You mean left out. Put out is what she does.

ZEV

June, leave the poor girl alone.

JUNE

And miss out on a trip?

ZEV

Anywhere... Cheech’d love it.

JUNE

I already told you...

ZEV

HEY CHEECHY, COME HERE!

JUNE

Good God, Zev. This isn’t the subway.

(CHEECHY appears.)

ZEV

This here is Cheechy. He’s my wife’s best friend. He’s a gay person. (To CHEECHY)
Did I say that right?

CHEECHY

You don’t have to add the “person” part. I think it’s fairly obvious I’m a person.

ZEV

Oh, sorry. He’s a gay.

CHEECHY

(Impatiently) Is that all?

ZEV

Oops... and he’s a clothing designer. (Whispering to audience.) Big deal, does Cher.

CHEECHY

I meant is that all you wanted me for, to introduce me to your “chums”?

JUNE

What were you doing?

CHEECHY

Admiring the view and the, dare I say it, “prawns”.

JUNE

I’ll kill Suzette.

CHEECHY

Sure you have the right target, dear?

ZEV

(To audience.) Hey, did he tell you the story about how he got his name?

JUNE

Zev...

CHEECHY

(To audience.) Do you really care?

ZEV

He was on some fancy-schmancy trip in Japan always talking about how everything was so chi-chi - chi-chi this, chi-chi that. So all the Japanese hear him and start calling him Mr. Cheechy. Like Cheech and Chong, can you believe it? The guy makes stuff for Cher and they think he’s some South of the Border pothead. Can you believe it?

CHEECHY

(To audience.) Don’t worry, it’s not a stretch to most people either.

JUNE

Leave Cheech alone.

ZEV

Hey, I love the guy. I’ve told him more than once, if I didn’t have a son already, he’d be like a son to me. Haven’t I said that Cheech?

CHEECHY

Repeatedly.

ZEV

Even though he’s one of the gays, just like a son...

CHEECHY

(To JUNE) I guess that would make you Mommy Dearest.

JUNE

It would make me depressed. Just the age part, of course.

ZEV

Cheechy, why don’t you take June on a trip? Anywhere you want... on me.

CHEECHY

Tempting... but no planes.

ZEV

Maybe a cruise, I hear they have these Gay Cruises.

CHEECHY

For “the gays”...

ZEV

You two would have a blast.

CHEECHY

Especially on a ship far away from you and the triplets.

JUNE

He claims they’re real.

ZEV

Hey, don’t talk about my actress that way.

CHEECHY

Real big, real perky, real expensive...

ZEV

I swear to God it’s all her!

CHEECHY

Zev, have you actually been near them or do you just
cower in fear like Moses with the Burning Bush?

ZEV

Aaahhh... both of you should be ashamed, always ganging up on me - the Queen and her Henchman... the queen. I’m not going to be pushed around by you or the Gay this time, it won’t work. I’m going back to the party. (EXITS.)

CHEECHY

Well it worked for me. May I be excused now?

JUNE

Darling, relax, we have guests. (Indicates audience.)

CHEECHY

(Says from side of mouth to JUNE.) They look like Zev’s people.

JUNE

(Squinting.) You think?

CHEECHY

Well we’re not talking runway audience at YSL.

JUNE

Hmmm...

CHEECHY

None the less, they’re here. Cocktails anyone?

JUNE

CHEECH DARLING! (Pulls him aside.) Good God, what are you doing? They reek already and I’m not feeding their habit, this isn’t one of those “raves”.

CHEECHY

I promise, aside from your aversion to harsh light there’s nothing remotely “rave-like” about you.

JUNE

Dreadful fear of melanoma, you know.

CHEECHY

No doubt. Speaking of sudden lumps, there’s quite a crowd in the other room.

JUNE

You saw her.

CHEECHY

Saw her? I was nearly consumed by parts of her. I thought her shoulder pads had slipped. Does anyone remember the purpose of shoulder pads?

JUNE

At some point in my life big shoulders seemed important.

CHEECHY

To be young and driven again. Well her shoulders certainly get a workout holding up those, those... beings. It's demoralizing to see plastic act so attentive when I can’t survive without espresso.

JUNE

You didn’t speak to her did you?

CHEECHY

I thought I’d have to but I quickly feigned seeing Helen. I did have the strangest urge to touch them.

JUNE

The bosoms?

CHEECHY

Imagine.

JUNE

Good God. Well did you?

CHEECHY

Of course not. Oh I briefly pictured one of those little cheesy things flipping off my napkin and - cringe, cringe - landing on her chest. I immediately pluck it off, one finger testing resiliency.

JUNE

Something about her dress craves cheese tasties. They can’t be real, can they?

CHEECHY

They do tremendous things with nipples nowdays.

JUNE

And if you were to see her nipples...

CHEECHY

I was afraid you’d say that.

JUNE

Maybe Helen will offer...

CHEECHY

Does it involve sneaking into Ricky’s nightclub dressed like a horse?

JUNE

Just an invite to your showroom. Capiche?

CHEECHY

She’s at least an eight.

JUNE

But could force a four.

CHEECHY

I’ll bring her a two.



(BLACKOUT)



END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO


(LIGHTS RISE on DYLAN.)

DYLAN

My mother is the perfect fag-hag. She’s attractive, funny, holds her liquor, shares her drugs and gets herself home. As a young gay man entering “REAL LIFE”, she’s everything I could want! Fuck... wait. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t say the part about drugs. I don’t want them thinking I take drugs and have all these addiction issues. Maybe I shouldn’t do the whole mother thing either. It makes my mom sound alot cooler than me, how pathetic is that? Maybe I shouldn’t even mention the gay thing. I could save it for a big mid-season revelation - “DYLAN COMES OUT”. I read they look at audition tapes for story lines, I’ll give them hints now. “Hi, I’m Dylan and since I can remember I’ve had this attraction to dance music.” Maybe that’s too real for life. The problem is, I have nothing going on. Even my graduation party is a bigger deal than my actual graduation. That woman, the one with the big, you know things, she has something going on. She has my father thinking he’s important and that takes alot of talent. Even Cheechy has something going on. At least everyone knows he’s gay and I’m sure he knows about me...

(LIGHTS UP on CHEECHY and JUNE to one side.)

CHEECHY

Darling, how did you manage to breed two of the most uninspired children?

DYLAN

... and if he knows, he’s definitely told my mother...

JUNE

Don’t stare at him so much, you’ll give him a complex.

(LIGHTS OUT on the two.)

DYLAN

And if she knows, she’s not saying anything and when she does that, you’re fucked. OK, don’t panic... back to the video. One, play down the mother as supreme being thing. Two, play down the gay thing but sell it enough to suggest a potential “same-sex kiss”. Three - what was left - oh yeah, the drug thing. Just act like you wouldn’t say no to anything. Keep it young, keep it post-Gen-Y, keep it edgy. Don’t sound desperate. OK... ready... shoot....

(BLACKOUT)


END OF SCENE TWO

SCENE THREE


(LIGHTS UP to JUNE addressing the audience.)

JUNE

My daughter is the black sheep of the family. Stoic, conservative, dour - sometimes I wonder if she was one of those babies switched at birth by some nurse on smack. I named her Faith thinking the name implied a caring, pensive nature. All we can do with our children is label them, hope for the best and love them even if they become lawyers. Faith is my only daughter, bound to me by birth and blood and hormones. Other than that...

(FAITH appears.)

FAITH

Mother.

JUNE

You came.

FAITH

I thought this qualifies as a family function.

JUNE

We’re all here, so I guess it does now.

FAITH

What’s with Dylan and the camera?

JUNE

God, who knows. It’s some thing he’s into. As long as it’s not guns or crack, I don’t care.

FAITH

That’s a new rule since I left.

JUNE

What rules? Both of you got off easy. I suppose you’d have preferred “tough love”. Well you got post-love-child-runoff instead, so deal with it.

FAITH

Is this supposed to be comforting?

JUNE

Do you need to be comforted?

FAITH

No, but...

JUNE

Then hush. You have a career, understated taste, you’re prettier than you allow yourself and tend your nails. Unless there’s some big secret you’re hiding, I consider you a success. I did my job.

FAITH

Well. Congratulations.

JUNE

Thank you. I’m what’s known as a “team player” and since I bred most of the team, I’m guaranteed a gold watch. Why this visit from the Ice Queen anyway?

FAITH

Funny, that seemed your role today.

JUNE

Am I acting different to you?

FAITH

Only during the part where you’re breathing.

JUNE

Dylan hasn’t complained. Then again, he doesn’t say much unless he’s
barking from behind that camera.

FAITH

I take it you two don’t talk alot lately.

JUNE

Faith, he’s a teenage boy. Take it how you want, I’m not his therapist.

FAITH

How maternal.

JUNE

When did you become so motherly? I must have been on a trip or something. Or is that biological clock just thumping away inside?

FAITH

Does this mood have something to do with that actress?

JUNE

Which actress? There’s alot of actresses here.

FAITH

So I see.

JUNE

(Turning.) God Damn it, even you know about her! Who told you anyway? It was Suzette, wasn’t it? That little... she won’t be able to hold a can of Cheez Whiz when I’m through with her.

(The lights quickly fade on JUNE and FAITH and rise on SUZETTE.)

SUZETTE

AAAGGHHH!!! Oh my god, you scared the shit out of me! Fuck, Im sorry. I shouldn’t cuss like that around the party and all. Hey, do you need another drink? I don’t mind, really, I’m just the caterer. Ohhh, right, right... congratulations! I mean it, you’re like a man now or something right? Woo, woo. Go team. What are you doing with that camera? Who me? No, I couldn’t really, I’m working and all. I mean not that I don’t want to or anything, I’ve always been attracted to independent film. Have you secured distribution yet? Oh oh, of course not. Your Dad will see it though, won’t he? I had the feeling this party would be full of good energy. I like the name - Real Life Audition Tape - sounds kind of edgy. I guess I could, just a little I mean. Are there lines? Oh good, cause I hate lines. The whole line thing sucks, don’t you think? Like recipes, I hate recipes. Did you taste the shrimp? Oh, ok ok. Right here? Ok, tell me when. Hi, my name is Suzette. I’m the caterer here at.... uh, Dylan’s graduation party. My real name isn’t Suzette, it’s kind of my stage name but if this were to become a hit movie or something I reserve the right to not use it. So, anyways, I haven’t really known Dylan a long time but I can tell you, he is ready for “REAL LIFE”. Maybe here I could sing a little song I just made up:

Oh time, time marches on
My boy
You’re going to be driving
Soon
Grab life, life by the ring
My Boy
Stand up and let your life
Singggg.... REAL LIFE!

Thank you. I hope this song expresses my feelings and my availability. Ciao.

(BLACKOUT on SUZETTE and back to FAITH and JUNE.)

FAITH

No, it wasn’t Suzette. You always said never hire the French, I guess that’s another rule broken.

JUNE

She wishes she was French. My guess is Low-Calorie Ranch.

FAITH

Who told me isn’t important. I’m your daughter, I know how you think.

JUNE

I’m not crazy about being laughed at.

FAITH

Laughed at by whom?

JUNE

(Gesturing to the audience.) Hello! I’ve even heard a few insolent snickers, thank you.

FAITH

(Looking over the audience.) I assumed these were more of your admirers.

JUNE

Some fan club.

FAITH

What did you expect?

JUNE

I could use a little... whatever you call it...

FAITH

Coffee?

JUNE

No... public defense counsel or something...

FAITH

Mother, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

JUNE

I thought you were a fucking lawyer! (Calms down.) Sorry.

FAITH

(After a pause during which she looks her mother over.) Ten days ago I started pre-period tension, followed by my period where tension blossoms into full rage. So no, at this time I am not a “fucking” lawyer. Hopefully my body will allow me a brief period of ringside rest and at some point we’ll have a good hard fuck. And you Mother, what are you today? I’m guessing your menstrual cycle isn’t the big issue.

JUNE

I don’t know what I am - a total idiot maybe.

FAITH

I thought Father played the idiot, you got to be the Family Rock.

JUNE

Just what I aspire to being, an inanimate object. And don’t say that about your father, he’s not an idiot. Ok, not a total idiot but he’s still your father and still paid your way through law school.

FAITH

Two years of Cuban cigars.

JUNE

So you could go to Harvard and become a lawyer and have a Cuban maid.

FAITH

You’d prefer I became a “producer” like Father?

JUNE

Listen, in addition to your college career your father’s producing bought you good teeth, a BMW and an entire Calvin Klein wardrobe. You should wish you could think like a producer.

FAITH

God in my own little heaven? I know the drill, I lived with God already.

JUNE

Don’t be so sure who’s on the throne.

FAITH

Father is... in his movies. Here, of course, it’s not so simple. The camera zooms in, lightening reveals the all-powerful goddess.

JUNE

Directing now, are we? I guess directing passes your moral litmus test over producing.

FAITH

Mother, I don’t have time for this. If you need counsel about Father’s friend, let me know and I’ll give you numbers. Have your checkbook handy.

JUNE

I bet that line’s a man-magnet.

FAITH

I see ugly. Time out during this happy occasion.

JUNE

To the corners.

FAITH

Yes, to our corners.

JUNE

Or the bar.

FAITH

If you prefer.

JUNE

Maybe powder our noses in the washroom.

FAITH

Good God, Mother. I’m a lawyer.

JUNE

Then to the washroom to powder my nose. (She turns and begins to walk offstage before she stops and turns back to FAITH.) I really do mean powder my nose, you know. Like make up.

FAITH

How comforting.

JUNE

Finally. See you there. ( EXITS.)

FAITH

(To AUDIENCE.) You have no idea. The first movie I saw, I was five and the film’s heroine, the princess bride, had passed out drunk in our kitchen the night before. I never saw movies the same again and never had to, here at home was a movie all the time. Villains over for dinner and heroes puking in the bushes by the pool. I’ve played the first-born, the sensible daughter, the driven student. I’m just over thirty and already being cast as career spinster or so I’m told over and over, everywhere I look. I’m single, a lawyer and a woman - three of the most dissected groups on earth. The one thing I’ve learned from Hollywood is the more you’re under the knife, the faster you run from the face you left behind.

(BLACKOUT)


END OF SCENE THREE

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