the goddess - act two

ACT TWO



SCENE ONE



CHEECHY

(To audience) I’m sorry, do I know you? You keep looking at me. Oh, that’s right. You’re still here I see. It’s hard to tear oneself away from a potentially nasty situation, isn’t it? Not that I condone any so-called “rubber necking” but I understand the draw. It makes one’s own life seem relatively sublime. These people who do this “family thing”, I don’t really grasp the whole concept. I mean you first have yourself who you hopefully manage to a certain degree, though I wouldn’t take bets on my own behalf. Add another person to the mix and you have two confused lemmings gamely limping to the cliff. Then, in what can only be ascribed to some fittingly dormant animal instinct, these two frenzied rats decide to multiply. More, more, more! You’re expected to feed these offspring not only food but knowledge and manners and, and... ideas! Who has enough ideas to go around? I’m trying to twist ideas into sportswear and make money, I’m certainly not about to toss quick sketches at a child. That’s before they grow older and have ideas of their own, ideas that originate from the usual suspects - TV, movies, the internet. The thought that something from my body might turn into a rap singer is reason enough to be gay. How June has done this much with so little is inspiring. Well, ok, there is the whole lawyer thing but you can’t really blame June for that. Faith did what anyone used to low heels would have done. And Dylan, well Dylan is still in that “whatever stage” you hear so much about. Apparently, the point of this stage is to learn to say “no” to everything. No drugs, no sex, no smoking, no gangs, no guns - where do they find all these things? This makes me sound dreadfully ancient, doesn’t it? Well I’m not, so bite your tongue and save your comments. Our hostess...

(JUNE enters with HELEN in tow.)

JUNE

That, that...

HELEN

Cunt.

CHEECHY

Release, darling!

JUNE

Can you? The nerve!

HELEN

Dreadfully tacky. Union scab.

CHEECHY

What union?

HELEN

ALL OF THEM! Just appalling.

JUNE

I’m sure whatever she said was all lies.

CHEECHY

Cheeky gossip.

HELEN

I heard she did porn.

CHEECHY

No doubt. Fetish.

HELEN

Chains.

CHEECHY

Rubber.

HELEN

Small foreign creatures.

JUNE

I have to do something.

CHEECHY

Pantyhose. I read it’s the “new black” in Internet porn. I’m sure she was involved in pantyhose.

HELEN

Pantyhose? How dreadful. What could possibly be sexy about crotch sag?

JUNE

Will you two hush? I don’t care if she lives in a plastic egg. She came to my house and my son’s graduation party and spoke to my, my...

HELEN

Darling, who are these people again?

JUNE

They’re Zev’s movie people or friends of someone, I don’t know. But I’m not letting them believe -

HELEN

A bunch of cud from that cow’s mouth.

CHEECHY

She is rather udder-ish.

HELEN

I still say let the cheesy things fly where they may.

JUNE

With your aim I’ll be scraping Suzette’s sea-monkeys off the ceiling for the next hundred years.

HELEN

I was adept at archery as a child I’ll have you know.

JUNE

Darts at the corner bar don’t count.

CHEECHY

We’re just trying to be helpful.

JUNE

Effort noted, thank you, but this calls for something bigger.

CHEECHY

Bigger than throwing food?

HELEN

Good God, June. It’s only Zev.

JUNE

I think the ingenue and I need a talk.

CHEECHY

You’re going to confront her?

JUNE

You make it sound like I found a joint in her sock drawer or something.

HELEN

That was my joint you found and I didn’t appreciate Faith hiding it from me.

JUNE

It’s time I introduced myself properly to our guest.

CHEECHY

Uh oh.

HELEN

The “introduction”.


(BLACKOUT)


END OF SCENE ONE

SCENE TWO


(LIGHTS UP on SUZETTE facing audience.)


SUZETTE

Oh, hi! Am I bothering you yet? Ha ha, just a joke. Listen, while I was in the kitchen making ranch dip I had this really great idea for your movie. Ok, I know “it’s not a movie it’s a video”, but I still had this great idea. See what you do is a parody of that movie where the guy and the girl go inside that other guy’s head, except that in this movie - or video or whatever - we go inside YOUR head! GET IT? We get to know all about you and every little thing you think about! How cool is that? I mean what do you think about alot, huh? Probably girls like me, right? So the bestest part of this whole great idea is that I get to be in the videomovie! Like this super-cool chick that you think about alot because you want to make her a movie star. Great idea, huh? Do you ever talk about these ideas with your Dad? I mean, he’s a big producer and all, right? I think I saw him on this award show once and he got cut off by the music. Fuck, I smell something burning. Gotta go.

(BLACKOUT)


END OF SCENE TWO

SCENE THREE


(LIGHTS RISE on DYLAN walking in on IONA.)

IONA

(Turning around quickly.) Hi.

DYLAN

Oh, hi. Sorry, I was looking for a wallplug.

IONA

I hope it’s ok I’m in here, I just had to get away for a sec. I’m Iona.

DYLAN

Hey, I’m Dylan. It’s fine with me, this is my Dad’s room. These are his awards.

IONA

I was looking at them. Pretty impressive.

DYLAN

I guess. He gets them all the time.

IONA

Success can be attractive.

DYLAN

I hope so, not much else about my Dad is.

IONA

Movies of your party?

DYLAN

No! It’s something I’m doing to try and get on this TV show.

IONA

Like an acting job?

DYLAN

Not like that. It’s a show called Real Life. It’s where they want you to be yourself,
not like in the movies.

IONA

Oh, ok. So your father doesn’t have anything to do with Real Life?

DYLAN

Hardly.

IONA

I meant the TV show.

DYLAN

Either way. Can I ask you a question?

IONA

If I can ask one back.

DYLAN

(Thinks) Forget it.

IONA

No deal then.

DYLAN

You had alot of balls coming here.

IONA

You had alot of balls telling your sister you’re gay.

DYLAN

How did you know that?

IONA

Duh. She did everything but paint a big rainbow on your head.

DYLAN

Tell me about it.

IONA

Relatives can be a drag.

DYLAN

You must have a sister too. Is she pretty like you?

IONA

Why do you care?

DYLAN

I’m not a total fag yet.

IONA

That’s not very PC.

DYLAN

Hey, if I wanna be one, I get to say it.

IONA

Have you even slept with a girl?

DYLAN

You mean sleep or “sleep”?

IONA

I mean sex.

DYLAN

That’s a question.

IONA

Ask me one then.

DYLAN

Ok. Do you fuck my Dad?

IONA

Ouch.

DYLAN

Ok ok.... “sleep with”.

IONA

(After a pause.) No.

DYLAN

Ok.

IONA

You don’t believe me.

DYLAN

Why do you care?

IONA

(A little stung) Busted.

DYLAN

(After a moment.) Ok... no, I’ve never slept with a girl.

IONA

Well that makes two of us.

DYLAN

I have thought about it. Well, them... breasts. What they feel like and all.

IONA

What did you come up with?

DYLAN

I don’t know, like a water balloon maybe. Or like a big blister on your toe you press until it pops.

IONA

Sexy.

DYLAN

Not that I would try or anything... if I, if I touched one.

(DYLAN leans closer to her, extending his hand as if he is thinking about touching IONA, when he drops a cheesy thing right on her chest.)

OH MY GOD! Oh my God, I’m so sorry.

IONA

(Cleaning herself.) It’s ok, it’s alright.

DYLAN

Let me get you some club soda, my Mom says club soda takes out anything. Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m talking to you about my mom, she’d shit a cow if she knew.
I’ll just go get some club soda.

IONA

Look, it’s ok. You can barely see it.

DYLAN

Really, I’m such a retard. I just graduated from High School... (Takes a napkin and absentmindedly wipes her chest) OH MY GOD, I just touched your breasts!

IONA

Listen, it’s no big deal.

DYLAN

Oh my God... they’re real!

IONA

What?

DYLAN

I mean, I touched real breasts! They are real, right?

IONA

You got to second base, quit while you’re ahead.

DYLAN

The coolest part is, I touched them and, and.... nothing. Wow, I’m really gay.

IONA

Glad I could help.

DYLAN

Wait. Would you do one more thing for me?

IONA

Listen, I’m pretty sure if the breasts didn’t do it, you’re gay.

DYLAN

Will you say something on my audition tape for Real Life?

IONA

Really? Like what? How you touched my boobs?

DYLAN

Anything... I need something cool. Please?

IONA

(Thinks.) Ok... let’s see. Hello, my name is Iona and I work for Dylan’s father. I’m an actress and Dylan’s father is a very famous movie producer so I’ve come to his house for his son’s party. It’s a very beautiful house, very big, and seems the kind of house that is always full of people. I haven’t known Dylan very long but if he’s anything like his father, I can tell you he’s very kind. I think his father’s a great producer because he sees what noone else can see, he has a vision. I don’t know if Dylan sees his vision yet, but when he does I think Dylan could be anything he wanted... including gay. There... how’s that?

DYLAN

Thanks for the vote.

IONA

No problem.

DYLAN

And second base.

IONA

Don’t let it ruin your rep as a “total fag”.

DYLAN

(Smiles.) Deal.


(FADE OUT on DYLAN and IONA.)



END OF SCENE THREE

SCENE FOUR


(LIGHTS UP on ZEV facing the audience.)

ZEV

Dylan, put it down. No. NO, for Christ’s sake just, just... ok, ok. Do I have to hold something? Ok, I’m ready. WAIT. What about my hair? Does it look funny? Listen smartass, you better like this hair, this is what you have to look forward to. God only knows what your Mother’s hair really looks like. Are you filming this already? Ah jeez Dill, your Mom’s gonna shit a cow if she hears that. OK, ok, lemme see here. My son Dylan deserves to go on your show... what’s the name again? Real Life? What kinda fucking name is that? I’m telling you, these TV people are whacked. What you wanna be on crap like that for huh? OK, ok. My son Dylan deserves to go on your show Real Life because he’s my son and I love him. What else do I have to say? I said you’re good enough for this fucking TV crap because I said so, OK? What’s the matter? OK, ok, what do you want? You want me to say that? Ok, it’s your pitch. Hello. I think you should put my son Dylan on your show Real Life cause he’s a... “emotional and deeply sensitive human being.” There, is that ok? I don’t know about that Dill. I mean all that crap makes you sound, you know, funny.

(BLACKOUT)


END OF SCENE FOUR

SCENE FIVE


(LIGHTS RISE on CHEECHY and FAITH standing next to each other but not looking at each other.)

CHEECHY

So... what are you doing here?

FAITH

I’m the daughter, remember?

CHEECHY

Ah yes... blood.

FAITH

Your excuse?

CHEECHY

I love a man in a hat and gown. Well you’re here and it’s not Thanksgiving,
so something must be wrong.

FAITH

Not wrong, just taking care of business.

CHEECHY

Networking are you?

FAITH

All these industry types, of course I am.

CHEECHY

Aren’t you clever.

FAITH

In this crowd someone’s always beating their chest about something needing a lawyer.

CHEECHY

Some chests here are pretty hard to beat.

FAITH

Yeah, yeah... I got the point.

CHEECHY

Beg pardon?

FAITH

I came to see her too.

CHEECHY

You and your mother are talking I take it.

FAITH

Cheech, I’ve always thought of you as family so I just told you a family secret.

CHEECHY

Which is?

FAITH

We offspring are smarter than we look, Dylan told me. Plus he found out about the tits.

CHEECHY

No!

FAITH

I’ve known you all my life, would I try to fool you now?

CHEECHY

Darling, you’re a lawyer. Why should I believe a word you say?

FAITH

Don’t believe me then. Dylan handled the goods.

CHEECHY

Touched them?

FAITH

Well I don’t think it was a taste test.

CHEECHY

Of all the people.

FAITH

Quite.

CHEECHY

And he told you this?

FAITH

I found him staring at his hands in Father’s study saying “I can’t believe they were real”.

CHEECHY

He could be talking about the Backstreet Boys for all we know.

FAITH

From the look on his face, I knew.

CHEECHY

To have been a fly on the wall in that room.

FAITH

I doubt it was spicy as you think, Dylan’s lifestyle choice is still in the larvae stage.

CHEECHY

This “lifestyle” stuff sounds familiar. Does this have anything to do with your “we are the world” toast earlier?

FAITH

Were you even listening?

CHEECHY

Barely... it read like a campaign speech on Planet Xanex.

FAITH

Cheech, dear, Dylan is gay.

CHEECHY

Gay? Are you nuts? Look at how he dresses!

FAITH

Just because you dressed like Jon Benet Ramsey as a boy doesn’t mean everyone must.

CHEECHY

Oh my God, this is it. I’m getting old.

FAITH

Newsflash... got.

CHEECHY

My gaydar is broken. This is serious.

FAITH

Thank God for the internet, now you don’t need it.

CHEECHY

Dylan can’t be gay, your mother will have to depend on you for grandchildren. This will kill her.

FAITH

It’s possible for me to have children, you know.

CHEECHY

Yes, but watching your species eat their young is so ugly.

FAITH

Very funny. I didn’t tell you all this because I enjoy talking to you, I want a favor.

CHEECHY

Faith, please don’t ask me to “break your brother in”. That only happens in bad gay porn.

FAITH

Good God, I’d never do that, I like my brother. I thought maybe you could try and set some kind of example for him.

CHEECHY

Like a dress pattern?

FAITH

Like a role model.

CHEECHY

You’ve been watching too much public TV. Do I look like a role model?

FAITH

He needs someone to talk to, that’s all. Apparently someone “cool” and since you’re always crowing about Cher, you seemed suspect.

CHEECHY

He’s a teenage boy, what could we possibly talk about? It may shock you, but I’m a little rusty “rapping with my homies”.

FAITH

It’s not an MTV special, just talk. Quick, here he comes. Cheech, that’s all he needs - a role model.

CHEECHY

As soon as I find my own role model, I’ll get right on it. (CHEECHY swings around to find himself face to face with DYLAN.) DYLAN! My homo... uh, homie.

DYLAN

Have you said something for my Real Life video yet?

CHEECHY

Not that I know of. If I had, what would it have been?

DYLAN

Never mind.

CHEECHY

Dylan...

DYLAN

Yeah?

CHEECHY

How are... things?

DYLAN

What things?

CHEECHY

Like, you know.... things.

DYLAN

Are you drunk?

CHEECHY

I wish. This is worse than anything I’d want to forget in the morning.

DYLAN

I’ve gotta go.

CHEECHY

NO! I mean, wait... stay here.

DYLAN

Is this some plot of my Mom’s?

CHEECHY

What plot?

DYLAN

I don’t know, like you’re keeping me here because she has Britney Spears coming to sing or something.

CHEECHY

That’s not a plot, that’s genocide. No, no God we know of has allowed that to happen.

DYLAN

So what then?

CHEECHY

Dylan, ummmmm... do you think alot about girls?

DYLAN

You mean like you do?

CHEECHY

Not quite. It may appear I’m thinking about girls but I’m actually thinking about hemlines. No, I mean think about girls.

DYLAN

Ohhh... I get what you mean. Think about them.

CHEECHY

Yes, think about them.

DYLAN

Are you hitting on me?

CHEECHY

GOOD GOD, no! That’s disgusting.

DYLAN

Gee, thanks.

CHEECHY

I don’t mean that. You’re very cute for your, you know, breed.

DYLAN

Can I go now?

CHEECHY

WAIT. Let’s pretend that whole conversation never happened and start over. (Takes a deep breath.) OK. Hello darling.

DYLAN

(Serious.) Cheech, can I ask you something? Do you take drugs?

CHEECHY

See, there you go. I knew there was something we could chat up. Why no, Dylan, no I do not.

DYLAN

Well maybe you should.

CHEECHY

Thanks. I love being verbally castrated by gay youth.

DYLAN

Ah-HA! I knew you knew.

CHEECHY

I’m still absorbing the news.

DYLAN

You just found out?

CHEECHY

Your older sister saw fit to inform me.

DYLAN

Oh God, that speech.

CHEECHY

What was I doing during that speech? I missed all the flashing pink triangles.

DYLAN

Then that means my mom...

CHEECHY

We’ve never actually sat down and had a heart to heart about it, thank God. I just operate as if your Mother knows everything about everything and leave it at that.

DYLAN

She’s never said anything to me about it.

CHEECHY

Hard to believe she’d avoid such an “upbeat” topic.

DYLAN

How uncool could she be? Look at you!

CHEECHY

Respect your elders, especially those of us who made it this far. I may not scream straight and butch but I’m not Liberace.

DYLAN

Who?

CHEECHY

My God, maybe you do need a role model.

DYLAN

Give me a break, ok? My entire sex life has been touching one girl’s breasts.

CHEECHY

You DID touch them!

DYLAN

Yes, I touched them.

CHEECHY

And?

DYLAN

And what?

CHEECHY

What were they like?

DYLAN

You’ve never touched a woman’s breasts before?

CHEECHY

Of course I have, Goddamn it. What were HERS like?

DYLAN

That’s kind of personal.

CHEECHY

That does it, you can’t be gay.

DYLAN

What?

CHEECHY

To a gay man, nothing is too personal. If you plan to march in any parades soon, you’d better get rid of that idea right now.

DYLAN

I got to second base but it wasn’t like I was feeling her up or anything.

CHEECHY

Second base? Was this after a prom?

DYLAN

Don’t be stupid, you know she works for Dad.

CHEECHY

Uh huh, “lead grip”.

DYLAN

I don’t think it’s what you think.

CHEECHY

How do you know what I think?

DYLAN

You make women wear what you think every season.

CHEECHY

Thank you, Elsa Clinch. You could be a little more sympathetic for your mother.

DYLAN

This girl’s just an actress. She likes my dad. Alot of people like my Dad.

CHEECHY

Alot of people like his signature.

DYLAN

Hey, be nice. My Dad is good to you.

CHEECHY

I know, I know. (Holds out each of his hands.) Slap, slap. Well your Mother claims she’s going to “introduce” herself.

DYLAN

Oh God. When?

CHEECHY

How should I know? It’s not Pay-Per-View. I assumed today.

DYLAN

I have to stop her.

CHEECHY

Oh sure, go ahead... and fix global warming while you’re at it.

DYLAN

Cheech, she can’t talk to Mom. I have to go.

(DYLAN exits as CHEECHY sits and addresses the audience.)

CHEECHY

What’s the big deal? June corners her, rips her heart from under all that silicone and leaves her shattered and spent. It’s not like it’s never happened in this town before. Why this child thinks he can stop it is beyond me, unless he tapes the whole thing like some Animal Planet special on hunting in the wild. I’m sure June will act like a woman of her standing should. She’ll solemnly listen as her only son pleads for the life of the young prostitute. He falls to the temple floor, his vegetable dyed robes fanned around his limp body. As he beats the holy ground, we hear his bracelets ring... no, no, too much. As he beats the sacred ground, one calf-high laced-leather sandal is flung aside. The crowd is hushed as the Goddess raises her blue sateen arms, invoking judgment on the young man and his heterosexual tendencies! Thunder rolls! The choir wails! Drama drama, blood blood, the tragedy of life, blah blah blah. (Takes a sip of his drink then looks back up at the audience.) What? Oh yes... curtain.

(BLACKOUT)


END OF ACT TWO