You can almost hear the ghostly cackling of Jessica Mitford when you contemplate the latest scheme the ghouls of grief have, shall we say, unearthed, in order to keep the funeral industry alive.
It appears that an unseemly number of potential customers are making the ecological choice to be cremated rather than be incarcerated in containers more suited to the disposal of nuclear waste.
There is certainly an inordinate amount of otherwise valuable real estate being given over to the mortal remains of those who can no longer appreciate their pastoral surroundings.
You might say that those who have chosen the more environmentally friendly way to shake off this mortal coil have urned our respect. You might say that, but I certainly wouldn't.
Fortunately, American know-how now gives us another option. We are, after all, carbon based life forms. Why not take that carbon and turn it into a profit center?
A firm called LifeGem has done exactly that. These enterprising folks can separate the carbon from a loved one's remains and turn it into a created diamond.
Now, I can hear you skeptics out there accusing me of plotting my next science fiction novel. Shame on you. The truth is always stranger than fiction.
LifeGem "replicates the process of what takes billions of years naturally for the earth to create and speeds it up to create a certified, high-quality diamond in just a matter of months."
Here's the deal. When Aunt Eva croaks, LifeGem's memorial includes "cremation, creation, faceting and setting." So you can wear Aunt Eva in a ring or a pendant. And you don't have to worry about quality. "LifeGem created diamonds are identical in every aspect to natural diamonds. They have the same brilliance, hardness and fire as any high quality diamond you may find at Tiffany's."
You have to wonder if Tiffany's is getting nervous. According to the LifeGem FAQs, the resulting stone can be between .25 and 1.3 carats depending on how much carbon Aunt Eva left behind. If Aunt Eva happened to be a Gabor, not to worry. LifeGem expects to be creating near flawless diamonds of up to three carats in the near future.
In case you want to get Aunt Eva appraised for insurance purposes, LifeGem assures value, "both because of the diamond quality and the memorial it creates. LifeGem is also rare because they come in colors uncommonly found in nature, including reds, blues, yellows and greens." Depending on how much iron Aunt Eva included in her diet.
Is the process secure? "LifeGem assures that not only are your loved ones handled with care and respect, but also that you receive a certified, high-quality LifeGem memorializing your loved one's unique life."
Quite frankly, I'm not sure that I want to wear Aunt Eva around my neck. She gave me a lot of pains there when she was alive.
Now, you may think that this might save you a lot of money compared to the costs of a traditional burial. You would be wrong. The friendly folks who want to send you gently into that good night will charge your grieving survivors upwards of $4,000.00 to convert you into a gemstone.
You gotta love the American spirit. It has given a whole new meaning to the phrase, "You rock!"
For those of you who still don't believe me, here's the website: www.lifegem.com.
1:03:27 AM 
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