When the lemmings march to the Sea of Consumerism, I do my best to resist. It has become a point of honor with me. I was inspired by a local merchant who decided to close her store today in the face of the biggest shopping orgy of the year. Dream On Futon here in Bellingham courageously joined an underground anti-consumerist movement called "Buy Nothing Day." The idea is to resist the tsunami that sweeps us all into the stores on the day after Thanksgiving. I am pleased to report that I spent not one penny.
Unfortunately, I neglected to communicate the value of this obviously hopeless rebellion to my daughter. Brenda is an early riser and apparently joined the block-long line at Fred Meyer in order to purchase $70 DVD players. At 4:00 AM. Where did I go wrong? I may go to bed at 4:00 AM, but I would never consider getting up at that unholy hour. Not for $70 DVD players. Not for the Second Coming. If Gabriel blows the last trump at 4:00 AM, he'd better keep it down or I will call 911 and file a complaint about disturbing the peace.
In case you got up at 4:00 AM and still didn't find the perfect gift, I have some advice for you. Sleep in and get connected. You can get anything you want at Al Gore's Restaurant. I happen to be connected to something called the PR Newswire for Journalists that feeds me some of the most bizarre stuff in the universe.
Case in point: GasBGon. These ingenious entrepreneurs have come up with a device that you can put in your office chair that supposedly takes the stink out of flatulence. I quote from their press release:
"With the GasBGon (TM) filter seat cushion, you can give your gift and have it remembered, too. After all, who would not remember a present whose sole function is to discreetly remove the telltale sounds and odors associated with intestinal gas outbursts?" Who, indeed?
GasBGon president Jim Huza said, "We're not talking drugstore chocolates here, we're talking a gift that is instantly and everlastingly unforgettable."
According to Huza, every person passes intestinal gas on average of 14 times a day. And wouldn't you love to have been on the receiving end of the government study that produced that statistic?
"A person would have to be deceased not to need one," claimed Huza.
According to the press release, GasBGon incorporates a state-of-the-art carbon filter and acoustical foam technologies to muffle the sound and absorb the odors of flatulence.
"Unlike such lame excuses as 'It wasn't me,' GasBGon really works. Hundreds of satisfied customers are amazed at the ability of GasBGon to truly Clear the Air, Not the Room."
GasBGon flatulence seat cushions come in a range of designer styles and incorporate a zippered opening for filter element replacement. Replaceable carbon filters last up to six months before requiring change-out for most end users (no pun intended, I am sure).
The press release goes on to say that all cushions are made in the USA, assembled by East Carolina Vocational Center, advocates of opportunities for the disabled. How politically correct can you get?
I know you think I'm making this up, so I'll include the link: www.gasbgon.com. This Christmas, give the gift that keeps on not giving. I have just one question. Do they make a model that works in elevators?
1:12:29 AM 
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