Some exciting news about substance abuse has been uncovered by those insightful academes at Harvard. The School of Public Health has just released a 1999 study in which more than 14,000 students participated at 119 colleges in 39 states.
The heart-stopping conclusion? Sports fans binge drink more often that those who are not fans. How do you say "Duh!" in Latin? The study was funded by a private foundation, thank God, and not our tax dollars.
More startling conclusions from the study: "...because of their heavier drinking, sports fans are more likely to experience problems including legal difficulties, sexual violence and problems with their school work."
Perhaps no one has pointed out to the scholars that the word "fan" is derived from "fanatic," defined as "...a person with extreme and uncritical enthusiasm or zeal, as in religion, politics, etc." Since sport is plainly a religion for many, the connection should be obvious.
According to one of the study's authors, Henry Wechsler, advertising is to blame.
"The alcohol industry places a large proportion of advertising around sporting events," he said. "This group of people is heavily marketed for alcohol use."
Not so, says Jeff Becker, president of the Beer Institute.
"The scientific evidence says advertising doesn't cause people who don't drink to drink," Becker said. "It doesn't cause people who drink to drink more."
Oh, really? Then what, exactly, is the purpose of all those moronic commercials featuring Australopithecine males and bimbotic females? The liquor industry is apprently spending billions of dollars in an altruistic effort to keep otherwise unemployable people working in the ad industry. Admirable.
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Back in America's heartland, Ohio is attempting to curb underage drinking by using pop culture references from the 1980s. Signs posted at liquor stores say, "If you don't know who shot J. R., prepare to be carded." Hot damn! I haven't been carded in a good 25 years.
Another variation on the theme: "If you've never done the moonwalk..." Ah! Now I feel more culturally literate. I not only moonwalked, but did it onstage while singing "When I Was A Lad" from HMS Pinafore. I guess that makes me old enough to drink. Well, I'm at least old enough to remember when Michael Jackson was black.
And a final version that's a bit cruel to those of us of middle years: "If you think a turntable is a piece of furniture..." One Geritol, straight up, water back.
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Food is not the only thing that's fast at Burger King. Police in Illinois arrested four people for selling cocaine at the drive-thru window of a BK. Customers would allegedly phone ahead and ask for a particular employee. They would then place an order at the drive up microphone, pull up to the window, and have their snort delivered in a BK bag. You want fries with that?
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Now that there's at least one other clergyman blogging away here at Salon, I feel less reticent to address the burning theological issues of the day. Such as WWJD? As a minister, I can find no fault with those who ask "What Would Jesus Do?"
I do, however, have a problem with those who think they know the answer. Jesus was a fiery radical who was so unpredictable that even his disciples rarely had a clue as to what he would do. If Jesus has become more predictable over the last two millennia, the fault lies with us and not with him.
I can't decide whether to laugh or cry over those who took this idea to its illogical extreme by asking "What Would Jesus Drive?" I'll go out on a theological limb and claim to know the answer to that one. He wouldn't drive. He'd walk. There's a fair amount of historical evidence that he actually did this. There is no evidence he drove anything more sophisticated than a donkey.
So why do I have this recurring nightmare about Jesus climbing out of a boat on the Sea of Galilee, hopping into an SUV, and driving off over the waves?
8:35:12 PM 
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