Friends
You have friends, right? Short while back, I was off rather often gallivanting around downtown until the wee hours of the morning, hanging out with my friends. Or at times, would pop over to somebody's house, lay low, talk, join a cozy party; you know whatever. Then I found myself getting royally screwed over a time or two, didn't bother me much until something inside of me just sort of snapped and went back into my shell once again.
Not to say I don't know people. If I wanted to make plans for the evening would only take a simple phone call or two and out the door I could go. Simple thing really. But the word "friendship" eludes me and I guess it always has. It draws a question to my mind... who really can you consider as such, you know, a friend?
Since you don't know me, you are not aware of the fact that I have become a total hermit, a recluse. Shove myself away from the world and everything in it that could cause some sort of harm or inflict pain. But, the very thing I am doing in order to protect myself is the very thing that is causing a deeper depression. I wonder if I am hurling myself farther into a dark void, which I question already at this point if I will ever dig my way out of.
So who do you consider a friend? I find I have many acquaintances in the area, but no true friends. To be frank, I am sick of associating with people on such an empty and mundane level. I don't care about petty small talk, it bores me (enter loud obnoxious yawn here.) And if I should by chance get close to you, you will in turn only fuck me over, just like everybody else.
Therefore I have concluded, friends are for the birds. I don't need you or want you in my life. You will simply complicate things and cause me further misery. It's a terrible outlook, I know, and not very realistic, seeing on how it is royally screwing with my head.
I think I will go sleep now, since napping is supposedly what depressed people do.
6:25:54 PM 
Music Feature
If you are not familiar with Pink Floyd yet, then you are either from the back hills of West Virginia and only had AM radio available your entire life (and if this is the case then why the HELL are you on a computer) OR you have really bad taste. I would be more likely to lean towards the latter of the two.
Today is a Pink Floyd kind of day for me. Been working literally all day and I am tired, grumpy and depressed. What else is new. My hands are covered in dark green paint (painting the shutters on my house - so much fun I am about to explode) and I only have about 10 minutes of escape time to sit down, chill out, smoke a ciggy, and listen to some tunes - then back to work I go. Yay for me.
Daylight hours are slipping away at a pace that is far too rapid for my liking, so I am off. Oh, and have splendid weekend and all that other jazz. And if you are going to the movies, do me a favor, don't think about me or speak of me. I am tired of that incessant ringing in my ears.
4:08:25 PM
Saturday, November 23, 2002
