Saturday, December 07, 2002

The World's Baddest Animal Many years ago, Doug Hennessee and I, along with some others, began discussing the hypothetical question of which animal on earth was the toughest, the meanest, the strongest--the baddest, if you will. We were in college, and this seemed to be a very important question at the time. Anyway, the conversation got progressively more heated, and rules began to form. Land animals only? Sea animals only? Tools allowed? Ultimately, answering the question required a tremendous suspension of disbelief. What we pictured was a sort of natural cage match, in which animals of all sorts could battle, one on one, against each other regardless of the surroundings. That is, sea animals and land animals could fight regardless of the fact that no sea animal could succeed on land and vice versa. This requires a huge suspension of disbelief, of course. Over time, we have introduced this discussion to a lot of people, and it rarely fails to instigate interest and debate, though there is always someone who refuses to contribute because it's "just so unrealistic". Really? Thanks. I was actually trying to make this happen. You saved me the work. So in the Baddest Animal Cage Match Tournament, the rules were simple: the biggest, strongest, baddest sample of each species would enter. Forget the average size anaconda--we're looking for the 37 footer. Only one-on-one competitors allowed, so while a school of piranha is scary, one of them is not beating anybody. No weapons allowed--au natural. This obviously shafts humans completely, who have no chance against dozens of creatures, at least. Here are a few of the finalists, with nods to suggestions that some friends have made. Great White Shark: One of the most obvious choices. Nothing on this list creates more primal fear. The entry into the BACMT would be 25-30 feet long and weigh approximately 5,000 pounds. Three rows of enormous razor sharp teeth. Skin like armor. Fast. But the thing that really sets the GWS apart is attitude--they just kill and eat and kill and eat and kill and eat and kill. They're mean. African Elephant: My friend Paul Hayes defends the African elephant tirelessly as the guaranteed winner of BACMT. For my money, the African Elephant is the only thing that can compete with the Great White. The entrant would weigh as much as 14,000 pounds and stand 12-14 feet tall, 24 feet long. That's big, folks. Built-in weapons give the elephant an additional advantage, as tusks can be several feet long. The nearly-prehensile trunk also helps. A world-class BACMT competitor. The Bengal Tiger--By far the most impressive of the Big Cats, the Bengal tiger easily overwhelms other creatures close to its kin, moving easily into the BACMT after winning the Baddest Big Cat Cage Match Tournament (BBCCMT) running away. The lion is a pathetic pretender, massively outsized and outworked by the fearsome tiger. Leopards can climb trees, but they're simply too small. These beasts can get up to 12 feet long and 600 pounds. But their advantages are speed and stealth; they can approach in silence and then WHAM! Once the claws are in, it's going to be tough to get away. But can they deal with the sheer bulk of the elephant and the fierceness of the shark? No way. No freakin' way. Mountain Gorilla--A sentimental favorite for many, and certainly the smartest of the contestants, the African mountain gorilla is a tough competitor. Incredibly strong, fast, and strategically smart, the mountain gorilla is a grappler at heart. Once his hands are on you, you're done for. The Tiger v. Gorilla matchup would be one for the ages, with strength and smarts battling strength and speed. My good friend Brad Thompson once commented that the Gorilla would surely win this Clash of the Titans, ostensibly by "tearing the face of the tiger in half." Powerful imagery. Thanks, Brad. Points against the Gorilla for its vegetarianism. Salt-Water Crocodile (Salty)--The crocodile is one of the few animals that kills for sport. And they are willing to eat anything. Very dangerous in the open water. Fast. The biggies can be upwards of fifteen feet long. And the jaws! Look out! Prior to seeing multiple episodes of the Crocodile Hunter, I would have ranked Salties higher. But now that it's clear that they become docile with their eyes covered, they declined in my estimation. Even the human representative in the BACMT, Steve Irwin, could put the hammer down on a crocodile. Rhinoceros The Rhino is like a tank. It's big and strong, and has that horn. But the rhino is a stupid animal. The gorilla would just devastate the Rhino, utilizing its tremendous I.Q. advantage and grappler mentality, and that armor is a joke compared to the teeth of the great white. The rhino is a poor-man's African elephant. Hippopotamus--The hippo really has no chance, but it's worthy of inclusion because it is a little known fact that hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal, and by some margin. Interesting, but not to the great white shark, who laughs at the hippo's kill statistics while consuming his entire head whole Anaconda The world-record anaconda was 37 feet long. 37 feet long! Probably about 25 feet around, capable of eating hippos whole. And six grown men at a time, in a bundle. Tremendous. The Anaconda is an underrated competitor in the BACMT, largely because reptiles aren't too with it, and the tools of the Anaconda are limited. But the fact is that if this largest of snakes gets itself around you, you probably ought to give up. Most of the large mammals would have a battle with the anaconda, but the great white would just bite it in half, and the elephant would study it curiously before stomping on the poor slithering bastard. Killer Whale--Killer whales just destroy the seal's entry into the BACMT. Other than that, they can't do the job. They deserve a finalist status because they're big and have mean-looking teeth, and would take down a lot of things. Extra credit for Orca and Free Willy. A solid competitor, but not one of the elite. Giant Squid. My friend Dave Kingston is a major-league defender of the Giant Squid. But Giant Squids are not all similar to the ones you see in those old photos, using 100 foot long arms to tear a ship in half before consuming the entire crew while the mermaids look on in wonder. The Kraken. If they were like that, it would be game, set, match. But the real giant squids are no more than 15 or 20 feet long, with tentacles, and tend to wash up dead on beaches. Don't get me wrong--if I was swimming in the ocean and saw a giant squid coming towards me, I'd pretty much freak out. But if a Giant Squid swims at a Great White Shark, he's an appetizer. And the tusks of the elephant would pierce that one eye in a New York minute. Poisonous creatures. I've heard arguments for the King Cobra/Bushmaster/Asp or whatever, as well as spiders and the Portuguese Man O'War jellyfish, stonefish, etc. The thing is that all of these creatures, at absolute best, can hope for a tie, in which they poison the competition, get smashed to death, and then the animal they've poisoned perishes afterwards. But most of the time they'll be in the midst of just trying to get their bite on when the great white shark will chomp them. I'm sure the black widow is terrifying to the elephant. That's it, I think.  The Finalists The fact is that this is, IMO, a two animal competition.  The elephant is bigger than the great white, but what the great white lacks in size it makes up in attitude.  Ultimately, what sets the great white apart is its killer attitude.  Elephants are peacenik vegetarians at heart.  An angry elephant could do some damage, but one successful bite from the shark and the elephant is probably toast.  The shark has the maneuverability, the desire, and the teeth.  Mostly the teeth.  It's too big to just be stomped on, and if the elephant brings the tusks in too close--CHOMP!--no more trunk.  I'm telling you.  No one can beat the Great White Shark--Champion of the Baddest Animal Cage Match Tournament. 11:38:52 PM    Let's hear it. []