Friday, January 10, 2003

It's early, as Reeve is only 5 days old, but it looks like we may have won The Parent Lottery, in which the winners get a baby that looooooves to sleep, and the losers get a baby with colic.  Every parent plays.  Reeve sleeps, and sleeps, and sleeps, and last night her parents got to sleep for almost six hours in a row, which is no small potatoes with a baby this young.  But two nights ago was one of those "I'll scream as much as I want" nights, and it was coupled with a "I'll stay awake for as long as I'd like" nights from Reeve's big sister.  So that was great.  And it reminded me again of the annoying conflict that parents face in choosing a famous pediatrician upon which to rely to make all relevant decisions. There are a variety of choices out there, but as it relates to sleep, it really comes to Dr. Sears v. Dr. Ferber.  Sears v. Ferber.  The Ali v. Frazier, the Lakers v. Celtics, the Kramer v. Kramer of pediatrician battles.  Parents know of what I speak. For non-parents, here's the choice: Dr. Sears advocates a virtual love-in with your child.  He and his wife, a registered pediatric nurse, author books together, and have eight children.  They're like rabbits.  Dr. Sears argues for something called "sharing sleep", in which your kids stay in bed with you for as long as they'd like.  Not as long as you'd like, but as long as they'd like.  He says this fosters more bonding, better sleep for everyone, and more self-confidence because the kids know that they're loved.  He says that they'll move out of bed themselves after a few (!!!) years, and be all the better for it. It is well-known that Dr. Sears and his wife purchased the first ultra king double king king bigass king-size bed in order to sleep two adults and up to 21 adult children and grandchildren.  They have no common room, simply a room-size common bed. Dr. Sears argues, passionately, that having a child in your bed for upwards of three years need have no impact on your....ahem....marital relations.  The Sears' are evidently proof of that.  In Dr. Sears mind, when you're feeling randy you simply go elsewhere, be creative, inject some spice into it!  For instance: Father:  You know, honey, even though we have this screaming toddler between us, I really feel like getting down to a little somethin' somethin', and I suggest the kitchen table! Mother:  No, no, that's so boring!  Let's go out in the car, where things are really comfortable! Father:  Whatever, let's go!  These repeated infant kicks to the torso are really getting me hot!  Dr. Sears is no Dr. Ruth.  Anyway, Dr. Sears, if I may generalize, says that parents should pretty much sacrifice themselves on the altar of parenthood in sleep and otherwise.  He's a nice enough guy, but he pretty much totally ignores any of the downsides of putting your baby in bed with you.  And there are downsides, I'll tell you--the Sears fantasyland isn't exactly a dream come true. His mortal opponent is Dr. Ferber.  Dr Ferber's basic deal is tough love for infants.  He advocates letting kids cry themselves to sleep.  Put them in their crib, check on them every few minutes, let them cry it out.  Don't pick them up.  Don't, for the love of God, put them in your bed.  They'll learn to sleep.  Oh, they'll learn.  This is how I envision a Q and A with Dr. Ferber: Q:  Dr. Ferber, it makes me sad and nervous when my daughter cries for 8 hours in a row while I twiddle my thumbs in the other room, waiting for her to sleep.  Is this normal? A:  It's a tough world, goddamnit , and she needs to learn that lesson.  It sounds like you do too, you goddamned weakling. Q:  Dr. Ferber, it just doesn't feel right to me to let my child cry it out without trying to soothe them.  What do you think? A:  "Feel" right?  "Feel" right?  I didn't realize that I was your goddamned therapist!  Who cares how you feel?  You want your kid to grow up thinking that every time things get a little tough, Mommy's going to show up and give him a hug?  Is that what you want?  Your kid going to start crying in some board meeting somewhere in 30 years, crying for his Mommy, and you're going to show up because that's what you feel is right?  You make me sick. Q:  Dr. Ferber, I actually like to hold my baby, and I enjoy the intimacy of sharing a bed.  She's only six weeks old.  What should I do? A:  You should stop your goddamned pansy whining!  Rent Patton, drink some Jack Daniels, and put the rugrat in the crib.  Christ, what is wrong with you people? It's a tough world, indeed, particularly for parents trying to negotiate the pitfalls of child sleep, and concurrently their own.  We've largely come down on the sharing sleep side, but that doesn't mean we don't sometimes use Dr. Sears name in vain, and speak reverentially, in hushed tones, of Dr. Ferber.      12:29:17 PM    Let's hear it. []