Friday, February 07, 2003

I Will Win On a Game Show   One of my life's goals is to be on a game show.  Not Dictation TV, because I already have a couple of dictionaries.  But something that will bring me big bucks and fame.    As I see it, my possibilities break down into three categories:   1.  Dumb Shows.  Dumb Shows are things with minimal requirements for knowledge or skill.  Or anything remotely close to a brain.  These are appealing because they require little but can result in big bucks.  Wheel of Fortune, The Price is Right, The Newlywed Game, Match Game, Press Your Luck, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, Supermarket Scramble, The 25,000 Pyramid, etc.  Many of these are, unfortunately, relics found only on the Game Show network, but some still exist.      Where is the Charles Nelson Reilly of today?     I am only marginally interested in being on a Dumb Show.  But if it's all I could get, sign me up.    2.  Smart Shows.  These require varying levels of knowledge and skills of some sort.  Jeopardy, Win Ben Stein's Money, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Music Jeopardy ton VH1.  I am very good at trivia games.  But I honestly don't suspect that I'm good enough to be on Jeopardy!  I could be on Ben Stein, I think, and if Millionaire hadn't been canceled I could have excelled on that, but I could never get through on the damned phone line.  I would really kick ass on Music Jeopardy, and I'd enjoy meeting Jeff Probst.    I would like to be on a Smart Show, but as I say, I don't know if I have the skills to excel.  I might, but it's harder.  However, if Boggle ever becomes a game show, I will be the all time super-champ.  You don't know anyone who is better at Boggle than me.  I am the Michael Jordan of Boggle.  I'm the King of Boggle.  There is none higher. I get eleven points for the word "quagmire."       Obviously, it would be more satisfying to win money on a Smart Show.  I certainly enjoy watching Smart Shows a lot more than Dumb Shows.    3.  Reality TV.    I want to be on a Reality TV show.    Most reality TV is incredibly dumb, I think, but I even sort of like the dumb stuff.  We're here in Tunis, so I'm a bit out of it on what's in now.  This list will not be complete, but here's my take on what I'd like to be on, and how I think I would do.   --Survivor--top of my list.  I love Survivor. And I would be great at it.  Except for, sadly, the whole Thailand season, I never missed an episode, and I know the strategy.  I've got it down.  I'm a master manipulator.  I can lie.  Oh, I'll lie.  I can lie all day long.  Lies, lies, lies.  I'm lying right now.    --The Amazing Race--right up there.  If I did this one with my wife, who is an outrageously experienced world traveler, the outcome would be preordained.  We'd never get on the show, because they'd just as well write us a check for a million dollars beforehand.  This show is more flawed than Survivor, but it's cool.   --Big Brother--no freakin' way.  Has no appeal for me whatsoever.  Maybe it's because you're in a house the whole time and all the people on the show are incredibly annoying.  But I actually think it's that it doesn't have clear competition appeal.   --The Mole--this is OK, and I could be pretty good at it, as I can really lie.  Plus I can see through whatever pathetic ruse the Mole comes up with.   --Joe Millionaire--I am certainly handsome enough for this show, and I have zero income, so I've got that guy beat, but there's the problem with the wife and kids.   --Fear Factor--this is idiotic.  You know why?  Not because they eat horse rectum, or let bugs crawl all over them.  I don't buy that this is a sign of the apocalypse or whatever.  It's because the prize is a chintzy 50 grand.  What the hell is that?  50 grand?  Add another zero and I'm in.   --American Idol--my image would kill me.  They don't have much of a desire to take balding 32 year old men, I think.  But man-oh-man, can I sing.  I would wow Simon with my version of Cutting Crew's "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight."     --Dog Eat Dog--I would kick ass at this.  But it's stupid.   --Real World/Road Rules Challenge--If I wasn't 10 years too old to be on Real World or Road Rules, I would go on this show and kick Puck's ass.   I looked up Reality TV shows on Google and found this list that had things like "American Fighter Pilot" and "Crime and Punishment" and "Scrapheap Challenge", but I'm not even going to bother looking those up.    Anyway, I'm going to get on at least one game show.  I'll let you know when it happens.  I will win at least one million dollars. 6:22:39 PM    Let's hear it. []