Friday, April 25, 2003

I was very, very pleased to discover yesterday that we can watch "Iron Chef" here on AFN.  Let's talk about Iron Chef, shall we? If you have seen Iron Chef, but you do not love Iron Chef, then you, my friend, must not love yourself.  If you are some sad sack who does not know about Iron Chef, here's the story: Iron Chef is a Japanese show that has made its way to the Food Network in the US.  Like many things in Japan, it is weird and hilarious  (sidenote:  I have a lot of examples, anecdotal and otherwise, about weird Japanese stuff--my all time favorite story is that apparently a hot selling item in Japan around Christmastime is "Santa Crucified On The Cross."  Please think about that one.).  The premise is as follows: Eccentric Japanese Baron Kaga Takeshi loves food.  So he gathers the greatest chefs in Japan to come work in his stud farm of chefs.  He invites various famous chefs to challenge his Iron Chefs.  They come on the show, and a special ingredient is revealed.  One Iron Chef (the choice of the challenger) takes on the Challenger in a one-hour cookoff, during which team a meal is prepared in which every dish includes the special ingredient.  Then a panel of testers determines whether the Iron Chef has won (as he usually does) or whether the Challenger has upset and utterly humiliated the Iron Chef in Kitchen Stadium. There are far, far too many details of this outstanding show for me to talk about every single awesome thing, ranging from Takeshi's Liberace-style clothes, or the Gong of Fate, or the professional wrestling-like music in the background.  I'll stick to two things worth mentioning specifically. First, the in-game commentary.  The best part about the show, probably.  They have something like sports commentators throughout, talking about what each chef is preparing, and what ingredients they're using, what utensils, etcetera.   Hilariously, they get really dramatic about this at times.  "Looks like the Iron Chef is reaching for a bottle.  What is that?  It's brown.  Can't quite make out the label....OH MY GOD!  IT'S  WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE!  THE IRON CHEF IS ADDING WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE TO HIS SQUID INK PASTA!" The best individual moment of the show is the Revealing Of The Special Ingredient.  The Baron talks about how he worked really hard to figure out what ingredient to use, and then he announces it in this preposterous voice (dubbed, natch), and a huge vat of whatever the ingredient may be rises from below the floor into Kitchen Stadium.  The ingredient is generally packed in dry ice, so it's smoking like crazy.  For instance, the all-time best episode I've seen had a special ingredient of octopus, and so this huge vat of LIVE octopi came rising up like Darth Vader in Cloud City.  The Chefs (and their assistants) come rushing to grab the octopi, and it's moving all over the place, even after they cut it up and throw it into various pots.  Disgusting. But I've often thought that Chairman Kaga needs to expand his horizons a bit to really challenge these chefs.  The special ingredient is always some kind of fish, or peaches, or potatoes, or lamb chops, or whatever.  He should pick something that would really challenge the Iron Chef. "This week, the chefs do battle with :  SALT LICKS!" "And now.....HUMAN FLESH!" "This week....DIRT!" "I have chosen.....VELVEETA AND RO-TEL!" "CIRCUS PEANUTS!" Imagine the commentary.  "Oh My God!  THE IRON CHEF IS ADDING CRUSHED GARLIC AND ADOBO CHILES TO THAT CIRCUS PEANUT PUREE!" But Iron Chef is pretty outstanding as is, too. 2:53:37 PM    Let's hear it. []