Kids Suck

You know, one of the most annoying things about being a parent is the children. The children are just really super-annoying. Sometimes I just want them to get the hell away from me, pronto. Actually, that’s what I want most of the time. “Get the hell away from me, kid!” That’s my motto.

I know what you’re thinking. How can he say that about his kids? Some of you have met my kids, and know that they are superior. So how can I say this?

Well, it’s because I’m not talking about my own kids. I’m talking about other people’s kids. For the most part, I want those kids to just go away and stay there. It’s one of the dirty little unmentionables of becoming a parent that you don’t suddenly love everybody’s children, unless maybe you did before you became a parent yourself. Fortunately, being a kid person isn’t a prerequisite for being a good parent at all--in fact, I’d say there’s almost no relationship whatsoever. Your kids are just different. It is definitely possible to love your children more than anything in the entire world while simultaneously wishing to see the four year old near you at the playground take a header off of that jungle gym he’s bouncing around on.

When you have children, you have to start doing kid stuff. Taking your sons or daughters to places where other people also take the sons and daughters. Like Fun Corner!

Fun Corner is an indoor kids’ playground at the mall nearest to us. These things are all over Dubai; it’s so hot here that outdoor play is inconceivable for four or five months out of the year. As such, the only remedy for parental insanity due to children going stir crazy is to find good indoor activities. And the market has responded. Fun Corner costs about 30 bucks for ten one-hour sessions. It’s just free play--there are air mats similar to the moonwalk, video games, sand to draw in, various plastic houses and kitchen for make-believe, and stuffed animals. And, best of all, there is this enormous maze of cushions and ropes and punching bags and slides and those rooms filled with balls. It’s really quite fun, frankly, and I’m 32 as opposed to 2.

I have already taken Mercedes to this place five times in the last week. We don’t have a car yet, so it’s a cheap taxi ride, and without a car and the outside off-limits, the things we can do are pretty limited. Today there were these German boys there, maybe nine and seven-years old. They were complete animals, jumping all over the place, running kids over, out of control. I also witnessed a four year old boy beating the stuffing out of his 2 year old brother while the nanny tried pathetically stop it, and I just tried to keep Mercedes away. Further, I had to deal with this five year old Australian boy who followed Mercedes and I around, saying things like “Excuse me--how old do you think I am?” and “Hey you! Watch this!” and “I can run faster than her!” in reference to Mercedes, who is 2. And “Blimey, but that’s a big crocodile!” and “Let’s drink some Foster’s!”

This is not fun. It is not funny, either. It’s simply annoying. Mercedes and Reeve, like every kid, need a lot of time with other kids so they don’t turn out to be maladjusted sociopaths. But I must confess that I like Fun Corner a lot more when we’re the only ones there. As soon as Mercedes heads towards some little boy there with his mother, I cringe, because now my interaction with this kid and his parent is inevitable. Am I supposed to pretend this monster is cute as he demonstrates his Lawrence Taylor impersonation on the nearest person? It is hard to resist the temptation to simply say, “I can only assume that you feel highly inadequate upon seeing my daughter. Please leave now.”

If you’re reading this right now, and you have a child, and you want to know what to do if you see me coming while you‘re out with him or her, I’ll tell you. Keep the hell away from me with that thing.