The Ex-Factor

And my family isn’t psychotic or anything, honestly. My aunts and uncles (and parents, for that matter) are kind, friendly people. They just don’t seem to do marriage particularly well. I wish I could understand the reasons; if someone would explain, it might help to ensure that my own marriage remains on track. I have no clue what the lesson is, but so far so good, so I’ll just roll with it.

The thing about divorce is that the aftermath is far too complicated for the children. My own parental situation is increasingly preposterous. My parents divorced amicably eighteen years ago, but remain close friends. They see each other regularly, and when I’m back in Kansas we often all get together. I’m pretty comfortable with this, though it is unusual and at times discombobulating.

I am thankful that they get along so well, actually. I can remember going to a “Divorce Workshop” not long after they split up. Most of the kids there had insane stories about one parent stabbing the other or somebody pulling a gun on somebody else or Dad burning down the house in a drunken frenzy after Mom hired an assassin to kill the priest Dad was having an affair with. At least I’m not aware of any weapons charges have been brought against any members of my family.

Earlier this year, my parents flew to Tunisia to visit us. Together. It was the most time I’d spent with each of them together since about 1983. One of our friends in Tunisia accused me of staging The Parent Trap. The trip went extremely well--a fine visit. They relied on each other fairly heavily to get through what was effectively the first trip overseas, or at least outside of tourist resorts, for each of them. Still, it was difficult to shake the feeling of overwhelming weirdness.

On our more recent trip to Kansas, we had limited time and two children who needed to be seen. So we stayed with my father, and my mother was basically around morning to night. No problem there, particularly after having to resolve the “who’s sleeping where” and “what about the bathroom?” issues associated with playing host. The wrinkle this visit, however, was being present while my Dad’s current girlfriend and his ex-wife had dinner together, and generally spent more time around each other than normal people might in the same circumstances. I understand that these sorts of things are unavoidable, because parental life goes on, and we live far away, and so visits are at a premium. But I still wish my parents would have the common courtesy to not meet other people.

And then there’s the stepparents issue. My mother and father each remarried in the late 1980s. In the last three years, they’ve each gotten divorced again. I was pretty close to each of my stepparents--something else upon which to count my blessings. But they’re no longer stepparents; they’re ex-stepparents. How is this supposed to work?

Last summer I found myself sitting on the porch talking to my father while he sat on the couch between my mother and my ex-stepmother. Dad and Colleen (my ex-stepmother) are both recovering alcoholics, each sober for just a few years, and they openly admit that much of their marriage was based on drinking together. And recovering alcoholics seem to rely heavily upon something my dad calls “drunk humor.” This leads to otherworldly awkward moments in which they laugh uproariously about how they got drunk repeatedly on this very porch and spilled liquor all over the place. While this would be awkward for any non-alcoholic to cope with, the fact that the conversation was occurring between my father and my now ex-stepmother adds a whole new level of unreality. And this doesn’t even address the fact that my father’s other ex-wife, who happens to be my mother, was sitting there too. I need to get a flow chart to keep this straight.

And then there’s the other time when my father, my mother, my ex-stepmother, my sister and I were all having dinner together. The conversation took a Twilight Zone-turn when Colleen and my mother started laughing about dividing up the dishes in the midst of their divorces. Things like this are too weird to be shared with the children.

My now ex-stepfather is a whole different sort of deal. Less than two years ago, in the throes of a standard-issue midlife crisis disguised as “clogged chakras" and "spiritual journeys", he decided he no longer wanted to be married to my mother. Our relationship had really moved beyond parental and into the “friend” category, but few things can more quickly devastate a relationship than mistreatment of one party’s mother. I think he wants to continue our ties, but I don't know want I want, and in any case little has come of it so far beyond some kind gifts and empty promises to call or email. The whole situation certainly highlights how complicated these things get when real relationships are formed based on divorce and remarriage, and how painful it can be when those relationships have to end.

"What happens to the kids after my second divorce?" is a largely unanswered question in these divorce-ridden times. Think about it--someone comes into your life as a new family member, an authority figure on at least some level, and the most important person in your biological parent's life. And then, after a period of time, once you've established an independent relationship with them, once you forget that they're not a blood member of the family, it ends. What then?

I don't know how to answer that question. Ultimately the children of divorce have to make a choice about their stepparents and the level of involvement and depth of relationship that they will allow. I have a lot of friends whose parents are divorced, and some of those parents have been remarried multiple times. None of them go to dinner with their ex-stepparents. For the most part, in fact, they have no real relationship with those stepparents. I genuinely cared about my stepparents, however, and I still do. I'm glad that I made the choice to create real ties with them.

But what do I do when Mom and Dad get involved with another potential spouse? Do I protect myself by guarding my feelings, or do I risk another relationship? It's the classic poker dilemma--play tightly with few risks but smaller potential gains, or play fast and loose with more at stake, and thus more to win...and lose. Most importantly, what does that choice mean for my relationship with my parents? None of the friends that have no relationship with their stepparents have particularly enviable relationships with their biological parents, either. The decision about how close to get to stepparents is fundamentally a decision about how close I remain with my mother and father. I love my parents, and have close and deepening relationships with each of them. Stepparents or no, I want it to stay that way.

Who the hell needs these complexities? Isn’t life weird enough as is? Perhaps at some point in the future my parents will, in fact, each get married again. Then I’ll come home to see them together while my new stepparents go out for a nice dinner. Meanwhile, I’ll try and recruit my ex-stepmother to run interference with my ex-stepfather. With a family this hyphen-friendly, I just hope I don’t end up with an ex-wife. Though who could blame her for wanting to avoid a situation in which she has to make nice with ex-stepparents-in-law? Not her stepparents-in-law-to-be, that’s for sure.