Maybe in the U.S. everything you want to buy has a price tag, but not in the developing world. I am not some incredibly intrepid world traveler, but I've been in enough places to know that bargaining is the way it's done. Particularly if you want to buy some crap. By "crap" I don't mean food or basic clothing or paint. That inch-high plaster bust of Julius Caesar at the Roman ruins is crap. The wooden figurine of Pancho Villa is crap. The six foot high houka that your stoner friends would literally worship is crap.

I went in to a shop recently. I wanted to buy some crap from the storekeeper. But he broke the Rules of Haggling.

There are rules, you wonder?

Oh, yes. There are rules. The Rules of Haggling.

1. Eyeball everything in the store , even when you know that there is only one thing you are interested in. Pretend that you might buy the cheapest crap that the seller has. Look interested in the knitted bookmark with the face of Ghandi that costs 12 cents even if you want the 10' by 18' pewter mockup of the Taj Mahal. Speak nicely to the shopowner, making it clear that you are a not a tourist, even if you are. (Alternative--if possible, send your non-Anglo friend into the store. Non-white skin will lower any price by 500%.)

2. Ask about the price of the Taj Mahal, then wince demonstratively when the price is offered. (Alternative--laugh as though you have just shared a terrific joke). State that you don't have that much money, even if you are carrying enough to purchase everything in the entire store and the store next door. Ask about the knitted bookmark instead.

3. When pressed, make a counteroffer on the Taj. Look thoughtful, then offer no more than 25% off the price that was originally stated.

4. Wait for a counteroffer, which should be substantially lower than the original price. Try and make a face which says "I am pleased that the price is coming down, but it is still too high for a lowly peasant such as me to afford."

5. Say thank you and walk towards the door.

6. Stop when the seller calls you his friend and makes another offer, still lower.

7. Make a counteroffer, stating that you saw the same item in the next town for half the price he wants.

8. Listen to his next offer, then counteroffer.

9. Repeat until an acceptable price is reached.

10. Hope that you do not receive a "gift" from the shopowner. If he gives you the knitted bookmark for free after you pay for the Taj Mahal, you have paid too much, and did not repeat steps four through eight enough times. This is the failsafe method of determining if you have been ripped off: if you receive a gift, it's like a consolation prize, because you have lost. "Thank you for playing, my friend. Here is a knitted bookmark. And for your daughter, a piece of pomegranate candy. Come again, soon."

1. Make sure your first price is, at a minimum, 1500% higher than the value of the item.

2. In a nice way, pretend that your honor has been besmirched when the buyer offers a price which is only 600% more than you paid the wholesaler.

3. Before you make another counteroffer, offer the single ugliest item in the store, stating that this is "more in your price range." Make sure and keep several of these entirely unappealing items available.

4. Make certain that your prices stay high enough that the buyer will feel compelled to attempt to leave. Always follow the buyer out of the store, imploring them to come back inside. Call them "my friend," and tell them you will give them a "good price." If they do not attempt to leave in the middle of the bargaining, your price was too low.

5. Malign the quality of the products of the shopowner next door, perhaps making personal comments about the seller, even if he is your brother and you are selling exactly the same items.

6. Creatively describe the items that the buyer is interested in. For example, if they ask if an item is made of pure gold, state that it is, even if it is actually papier mache and spray paint. Assess the needs of the buyer--if they want oak, state that the plasterboard statue of Idi Amin is solid oak. If they want an oil painting, state the finger painting of Che Guevara is a Picasso. Always refer to whatever is up for sale as "art."

7. Lower the price as slowly as possible. Utilize the term "last price" as often as possible.

8. Periodically shake your head, as though you cannot believe that these, your closest American friends, would do such dishonor to you and themselves.

9. Finally agree to the ridiculously high price that your American friend believes is a good price, and offer them a gift as a sign of your friendship. Smirk knowingly.

10. After sending your friends on their way, visit the shopkeeper next door and share a laugh.

Here is an example of how this dialogue should go when a team is involved. In the team game, one person pretends to want the item, the other pretends that they do not want it. The person who acts as if they do not want the item should be the one who does the bargaining.

It is important to note here that we are in an Arabic-speaking country, and that my wife, Melissa, speaks Arabic. So she does most of the work. If we ever find ourselves in a place where I am the one who is fluent in the local language, such as Emporia, Kansas, then I will play the bad guy and the translator.

Jim and Melissa: (Walk into store, careful not to look at the carpet we actually wish to purchase. Look around at plastic spoons with the Hand of Fatima on them.)

Shopkeeper: (In English) Hello, my friends. I can give you good price.

M: (In Arabic) Hello. How much for this spoon?

J: (To Melissa) What do you think of this carpet? I love it!

M: (To Jim) Hmmm...it's OK, I guess. (To owner) How much for the carpet?

Shopkeeper: (In Arabic) I am pleased that you speak Arabic. For non-Arabic speakers, I would demand no less than $37,000 for this carpet. For you, $200.

M: It is beautiful. But that is expensive. How much for the spoon?

S: You do not want that spoon. This carpet is beautiful.

J: I like the carpet. Let's make an offer.

M: (Pretending to disagree, even though she actually is the one who wants the carpet) I don't know. (To shopkeeper) We'll offer....$12.

S: (Shaking head). It is too low. I can come down, however. $198.

M: (Gesticulating wildly) But, my friend, (placing hand on heart) this is too much. We have shared so much, and I respect you greatly. I would die for you and care for your children in the event of your death. I regret that we cannot pay more. (J and M begin to walk out of store)

S: Wait, wait, my friends. I will give you good price. Local price. Friend's price. $192.

M: But my friend, this carpet has a six foot-by-eight foot hole in the middle! We will give you $20.

S: The hole is nothing--a flaw to highlight the perfection of the rug elsewhere. $188.

(This should repeat itself for some while, say two or three hours.)

S: OK, I give you last price. $183.

M: Our last price is $75.

S: (Trying to restrain from laughing). OK, my friend. For you, $75. Please take this stone bust of Bob Marley as a gift from me.

This is all very clear cut, you see? It is a dance, and everyone knows the steps.

Recently, however, I ran smack into a seller who refused to follow my lead. I was at El Jem, a huge Roman colosseum in Tunisia. Outside of the ruins, a man was selling a tremendous wooden mask. I am an amateur mask collector, and desperately wanted this mask. Unfortunately, it seemed to be unique in El Jem (and, as near as I could tell, all of Tunisia), putting me at a bargaining disadvantage as I could not go to the crap seller next door. But there was still room to maneuver.

As we walked into the store, we followed the normal pattern--he spoke in English, Melissa answered in Arabic, we exchanged pleasantries while casing the place. We discovered that we not only were interested in the big mask, but in a smaller mask as well as a brass mortar and pestle. The conversation went roughly like this.

M: How much for the mask?

S: Hmmmm.....120 dinar (about 90 dollars).

M: How much for the smaller mask and the mortar and pestle?

S: Hmmmm.....60 for the mortar and pestle, 25 for the mask.

M: So...205 for all three. My friend, this is a high price. As we are the closest of friends, we will offer you 80.

S: Hmmmm.......well......if you want all three, you can have them for 200.

It was clear at this point that something was amiss. We had combined items, and no attempt had been made to meet anywhere close to the middle. We considered that he was a Slow Bargainer, however, and so we pressed the issue by initiating the Walk Out Of The Store phase.

But he did not follow! Here we were, standing on the sidewalk, stunned--what had gone wrong? Had he suggested a ridiculous price? Check. Had we made a ridiculous counteroffer? Check. Had we walked out? Check. Had he stopped us?

No!

Under normal circumstances, we would have simply gone to the next seller. But no one else had this mask, and I wanted it quite badly. So, regretfully, we violated our principles (and the Rules) and sheepishly walked back in, asking what he would offer for the mask only.

S: 120 dinar.

M: But that was the original price! We will give you 50.

S: OK.....100.

M: We will give you 70, no more.

S: 100.

The rules had been broken again--he stopped the bargaining. Ridiculous.

It was time to pull the "Comparison Shopper Maneuver." Occasionally, of course, the CSM is authentic, because you have comparison shopped. More often than not, it is a lie, recognized by all.

M: We nearly bought this mask in Tunis last week, at 70 dinar!

The shopkeeper, seeing our feint, smoothly and condescendingly parried with "No one else in Tunisia has a mask like this, my friend." Oh, no. Game, set, match.

At this point, Melissa left the decision up to me. I wanted the mask, but was in the midst of a moral dilemma--should I reward the Rulebreaker, or walk out without the mask, sticking to principles while leaving a bare spot in my wall?

After much thinking, I offered 80, he said 90, and we begrudgingly agreed. I was hurt, confused, disoriented. What had happened? Was El Jem some sort of Bermuda Triangle of bargaining? Was the power of the Colosseum so great that the Rules would be brazenly disregarded like so much refuse?

I walked out with the mask under one arm and a Pet Rock named Khalid under the other, a gift from my newest Tunisian friend.