Monday, January 6, 2003

Aren't You Embarrassed? This is a sure sign that They are taking over. I mean the Republicans, not the aliens -- unless... But here, HERE, in our liberal bubble town, someone was actually driving around in a brand new, bright cherry red, bigass shiny SUV with a brand new, white clean shiny bumper sticker on the back with a Merkin flag own it that said 'GOD BLESS AMERICA'. I KID YOU NOT. And not only that, but she sat there at the light after it turned green, for a long time. As if she was trying to actually burn EXTRA foreign oil. I honked at the bitch to get her moving. From the way she looked in the rear-view mirror at me (*down* at my cruddy old Volvo), I could tell she thought I was a liberal opposed to the war in Iraq. In fact, the very gesture of honking to wake her up probably exposed me as a traitor, who else would dare a friendly wake-up-and-get-a-more-fuel-efficient-vehicle tap like that. Uppity liberals. 11:36:09 PM    comment []

Detroit Should Suck Put your lips around the exhaust pipe, Detroit. From what I saw on TV, the LA auto show was an obscene display of pitifully sissy gas-sippers. I mean, if you are going to do something, why not do it right? Why don't you just design a proper sport utility vehicle that can only burn one or two gallons of gas per mile? Why not add machine-guns too, in case we need to just drive them over to Iraq ourselves to fill the old tanks? (Or in case of a bad traffic jam?) I hate these new, bogus "tough" SUVs you rolled out! God Bless America!!! 11:24:14 PM    comment []

Mildly Dazed I don't know what brought all that up about cute boys. But you know, when you're a girl, and you're running for president, lots of things can distract you. No very cute boys running against me so far, though. Unless you count John Edwards, who's kind of bacon-ish, but smells a little bit like ham. Besides, he's a guy. I am better than any of the other candidates so far just because I'm a woman, which makes me inherently superior. The only thing that is kind of a threat to me so far is Al Sharpton's hair. It could in its own right upstage me. But I have confidence that it wouldn't be for long. I'll just stick a pin in that thing and deflate it. I wonder how it got that way, anyway. Who does Al Sharpton's hair? I mean, seriously, he is going to maybe have to get a new stylist if he really wants to run in '04. A lot of white people are really scared of his hair. I mean that in a friendly way. But here's one for the Preacher: Why do you all have to have such weird hair? Weirder than politicians and TV news anchormen. (Here's one for Jeopardy! What is the trifecta of bad men's hair?) 10:40:23 PM    comment []

Bacon, Eggs & Toast I digress, here. But before this too slips my mind I just wanted to share with you some hometown girl slang. Around here, we call good-looking guys "bacon." Which of course led to more man-code development. When seen with a less desirable male, bacon becomes bacon and eggs. And when these two are spotted with a REAL hottie, well, then you have the entire breakfast. With lady marmalade, s'il vous play. 10:30:11 PM    comment []

FIONA FOR PRESIDENT There aren't any other good candidates. So I'd like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2004. I've decided that if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. I am going to DC to kick some ass. Why should you vote for me? Because I like to pretend. I'm really good at it. I know, I know, George W. Bush is a good pretender, too. But I'm better. And I promise not to attack any other countries pre-emptorily. Don't you feel better already? Wait until I start my GOP Alternative Energy Project. I'm going to take all the hot air out of recycled Republicans and turn it into home heating for elderly Northeastern Democrats (but not before it has been checked for poisonous gases)! And my Level Playing Field Tax Plan will really knock their track shoes off. What is my administration going to do about reproductive rights for women? Well, we are going to take the radical step of letting the whole country know that they don't have to have an abortion if they don't want to! Stay tuned, America, to see what else is precariously balanced on my platform. 9:17:23 PM    comment []