Oops, I got a life
I never thought it would happen. It sneaked up on me. And I think it was mostly because I got so ill and had to learn to appreciate every little thing again -- in the process of building all of that back up, I built up a life.
Exhaustion caused me to turn hermetic for a while, then came the illness, and I was pretty much zeroed out emotionally and spiritually. I couldn't even eat anything other than salads and fish without getting sick. I could not wear makeup or be around people wearing perfumes and colognes, or in stores full of toxic outgassing products. I stayed home for three months.
When I started to feel better, I ventured out again. I bought the accordion and started taking lessons. That was the first thing I fell in love with when I was on the upswing again. I knew that I needed to fall in love with stuff to carry on. I hadn't been in love with anything for so long, and that was part of what had worn me out so badly. That lack of passion for anything at all. Just slogging away without knowing why, at so many things. When the guy at the accordion shop played the little white one I liked for me, my heart jumped. It was something that I needed.
I got a little more social and started hanging out with friends at the bar every once in a while. This brought me into contact with new people. I was able to go for walks again, and then I started my garden. I felt passion for the garden, too. I fell in love with my prickly pear cactus.
Then I started getting work again. I got into a competition to win a big web site job against some other designers. I put some real elbow grease into my designs. I made them the best I thought I could do. I injected passion. I got the job. I got other jobs, too. My creativity is flowing again. I pleased all of my clients. That creative flow seemed to have been turned on when I met my new boyfriend. The passion of love is the cherry on top of this whole Big New Life I've stumbled into. When I look at him, I melt. I can't remember the last time I have felt like this. I hope it doesn't end too soon.
He's challenging in some ways. We took a hike last week that he made sound like it would be real easy, and it turned out to be a scary, endless scramble over rocks and through underbrush, for which I was inadequately dressed. We came out of it all scratched up, and I was rather broken down, and a little bit ticked off. But I was happy, too, that he had taken me to see these spectacular waterfalls. He tolerated my complaining and encouraged me on, pulling me up onto rocks when I couldn't reach my legs high enough. He got me out of there in the end and back onto an easier trail. I'm not in very good physical condition. It was sobering. But after that, I bought new hiking boots and I'm ready for more.
I feel like I'm juggling so many things now, and I have to constantly check myself to make sure I'm doing all of them with integrity and consciousness... I slack off here and there, I just don't have all the energy I need yet to deal with everything I have taken on! Sometimes I don't practice my accordion enough, sometimes I blow off work to go on hikes. Then I redouble efforts and try to push myself to catch up. I am like a person at one of those all you can eat buffets who has taken too much food. Mmmm, but I love everything!! I simply have to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that, until I have sampled everything. Pity some of it will go to waste. My cup runneth over.
How can I be so lucky? It's astonishing. Well, I certainly am grateful. I wonder how many people get to experience the kind of happiness I'm having right now -- or if they would know it if they did. I am getting so much pleasure out of simple things.
8:34:06 PM 
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