Loser
What would I do without you people, you two or three people with time to read about someone with no life? I wish I had someone to talk to right now, but it's not really safe to talk to anyone at my work or in my personal life. I could say the wrong thing.
At the Dilbert Factory I am lost in the wilderness. A maze of beige cubicles where multiple mail order catalogs are being created. It is such a beige, beige place. My computer crashed all day today and I realized that it's because of my input device -- theirs was making my tendonitis act up so badly I could barely work. Last week, mine worked OK, but this week it's developed some kind of terminal conflict with their server. I thought I would try to use my own before I gave up and quit Dilbertville.
I detest this job, but need the money. They have me working for different departments, none of which I know anything much about. There is a huge database of projects and pieces for the projects in the computer. I have to ask for help every few minutes and people are sick of me hanging about. I moved little forward today and left early to think about what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just have to see if my hand acts up again. It did get better after I started using my own equipment. Now I'll have to try their mouse and that will probably mess me up some more.
I caved in and got back together with my ex-boyfriend. He still bugs me, but I do have very strong feelings about him... there could be no other reason to stay in such a ridiculous relationship. I missed him terribly and was so happy to see him again.
I saw my parents for the first time in 3 years. We did OK. But it's the same-old-same-old. My mother has been pressuring me to talk about stuff I don't want to. My dad started up with his weirdness of wanting me to come and stay overnight. I'd forgotten about that. I always say no and he always gets his feelings hurt. A couple of hours visit is about all I can manage. As we were all leaving the parking garage after I saw them, I sideswiped a concrete pole and put an unsightly dent in my new car. Heavy, heavy sigh.
I haven't been practicing my accordion much because my hands hurt from the tendonitis. I had to rest them. Couldn't work and play both. That is a disappointment.
So let's see... I'm not sure if I can continue my accordion practice, I don't know if I can keep the job I got, I'm back with my boyfriend and my parents and I can't stand any of them... Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose. I just can't escape from my hideous life. Even Dilbert Factory is a repeat of earlier jobs I used to have, years ago, doing retail advertising and catalogs. I hated it then, too. The only thing that's changing is me, I'm devoid of my original ideals and dragging around a lot older, more broken down carcass.
Well, I'm trying to get my business off the ground, but so far all I have is that one web site design job. And it's driving me crazy, too. Going way too slow, and the client, after strongarming me into lowering my price on the grounds that the job would be done quickly, is now insisting on unlimited changes. I insisted on unlimited billing... We're not as friendly now as we were in the beginning. I have to be my own bad cop and some people just don't like to talk about business. What am I supposed to do... Not let anybody walk all over me, I guess. It chilled the atmosphere. So be it.
Kinda sucks bein me right now. Guess it could be worse. If I just put my head down for a little while... Head down... Suck it up and make as many changes to those web pages as they want. Do all the ugly catalog layouts in the world. Whatever. Eventually a time will come when I can stop and do something fun again. In the meantime, I have my boyfriend back and I feel sorry for him that he has to make all this OK for me somehow. He knows it, too. He has to make me feel good again after the torture. We're both a little wary. He knows I ask for more than he can give. I'm trying not to do that. So when I come tearing out of the Dilbert Factory with that silent scream on my face he's not always guaranteed to be there for me...
A happy home but kind of empty one, mine. Rented, not owned. No real roots here. Just a DSL line and cable TV. I planted a couple of flowers around. And as you can see, my Virgin of Guadeloupe is crumbling. It must be a bad sign. I don't know what I'm complaining about though, because for the first time in a while I've got work, a lover, a decent car (that dent, sigh) and pretty good health. I feel like kind of a loser, though. I guess I wish I could make things work out better on all fronts. I'm not real happy with the way any of it is going but I can only control things up to a point. The other people are stinkers and pills and I'm perfect of course and no one can live up to my expectations.
4:56:39 PM 
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