Sucks Bein Me
So. My blog is depressing for some of you. Proof that it sucks being me. Think of me as kind of a female Woody Allen. You know how that character he always played is into one-upping everybody about what a loser he is in every way. I try to see the (very dark) humor in all of this, in between bouts of sobbing hysterically.
Well, at least I'm not a sex slave or working in some horrible sweatshop for pennies. I don't have a fatal illness unless that is what life really is. I have a car that works and a job, even though I have no money. Tomorrow I think I am going to get my first check from the Dilbert Ranch (past due), and all I had to do was make a stink about how my terms are 30 days, not 45. They think it is reasonable to ask me to come in and be tortured and let them pay me when they feel like it, not when my invoice says it's due. That business, folks! Meanwhile, the psychotic web site client pointed out that I had left out some important stuff. I went back into my email archives and discovered that she had never given me the information. I sent some champion emails today. It was really satisfying to use diplomatic, balanced language to basically tell her that she fucked up and would have to pay extra for it. I don't talk to her on the phone any more if I can avoid it. It's too upsetting and I'm liable to bust out. I think through my written communications very carefully and do research to back them up! Besides, I'm creating a record by doing this of what has happened along the way. A trail of e-breadcrumbs leading out of the forest and away from the wicked witch.
I got an estimate on fixing the dent I put in my new used car the day I saw my parents. The whole exercise made me feel like a loser again. The estimator looked at the age and mileage on the car and said something like, "Well, if you're driving an old car like this with THAT many miles on it, I'm sure you don't want to spend a lot of money on this." OK. He was only telling the truth. And he gave me a special deal. It's not a big dent or major damage. But enough to make me look shabby. I was so jazzed that I had a newer car that actually didn't embarrass me. Then I had to go and sideswipe a concrete pole in that parking garage. I don't want to blame it on my parents, but possibly I was somewhat overwrought when we all went home. The long separation, the anxious build-up to seeing them again, the annoying behavior of my mother, and I couldn't wait to get outta there. Crash. Funny, funny -- this is supposed to be funny... It's a $275 joke on me. I don't want to drive a shabby car any more.
I saw the movie Adaptation over the weekend. I loved it. Nicholas Cage was so great as the neurotic guy. Then the way it was structured -- the first part all petty neurosis and the second part all heavy, mind-bending death and transformation. Life can certainly be like that. I also liked Streep's buttoned-up character with the secret life. Crashing into that pole gave me a sickening feeling and made me remember how fast bad stuff can happen. I have been driving much more carefully since. Hell, you can fall down and hurt yourself in your own house and nobody would know. I once almost wiped out on the basement stairs. I would have split my head open on the concrete. Please excuse me. I am a Scorpio with uncontrollable death fantasies. It freaks other people out but I think about these things. What if I had a head-on collision with that semi? Or (standing on a rooftop balcony or something) what if I fell from this height? What if I fell down while hiking and no one found me? What if lightning strikes my house and hits me? One time that almost happened! I was in the kitchen of another place I used to live and lightning hit the house and came right out through the electrical outlet I was just a couple of feet away from -- and facing at the time! It shot out right at me. I must have jumped three feet in the air and screamed. But it didn't get me. I was VERY lucky.
What if I get disabled by my tendonitis? I won't even be able to play the accordion for a living on street corners, and I was kind of liking that fantasy for my old age. Joke! Kidding!
8:49:21 PM 
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