Numb
All week long I was laboring under the misapprehension that I had deleted the previous posting, "Pathetic". It seems that I did not, until now, so some of you know that I f-ed up everything there was to f-up. It really was pathetic. I spent the rest of the week keeping very quiet and trying to clean up a couple of the messes, and also creating some new mess in my quiet neurotic state. The only way I got through the week was to eat anything I wanted whenever I wanted. I made a mess out of myself that way. Every waking moment, I was shoving ice cream sandwiches and cheese popcorn and whatever else I felt like down the old gullet. The old belly expanded.
But I got that dent taken out of my car, and the trim reattached. It looks just like new again. All evidence of crashing into underground parking pylons gone. My vehicle is white. It is spotless, sparkling. The mask is back on, at least when I drive around town. I used to call my old blue car the "Goddessmobile". This car is the White Goddessmobile.
I found out just yesterday that I had taken third place in the adult waltz competition at the accordion festival. Even though I had run out on the competition after I played so badly and forfeited my opportunity to win a trophy simply by playing again for other judges (no competition), I STILL won a trophy. I could not believe it. All I have to say is, life certainly doesn't go the way you expect it to sometimes. I thought that people had to learn extremely difficult skills and perform them perfectly to win trophies. But no. You can learn a difficult skill kind of half-assed and do it badly and still get one. There must have been some other players who messed up very badly. I think there were maybe 8 people in that category. I sill can't believe I won.
I didn't fix things with my parents. They want to fix things but I had to put things on hold to collect my thoughts. Things were going to fast, and as usual, my feelings were being steamrolled. I had to stop and figure out what exactly was going on. It took a while but it seems there is an issue of double standards in the way my mother treats others and the way she expects to be treated. I'll have to articulate this and it won't be popular. The issue is always this. My mom is very clumsy and for years the family has allowed her to control and bully everyone else. She is so powerful that no one dares criticize her faults. When anyone does, she can't stand it. The critic is accused of "finding fault" and being "unconstructive." But the reality is that I really can't tolerate the way she acts. This is going to be a showdown. I am going to say that if she wants to have a relationship with me, she is going to have to watch herself and make sure she doesn't step on my toes. She's never been willing to do that with anyone, so this should be interesting. I've decided that it won't do me any good to re-enter this relationship if it's just going to turn out that I am required to continue to stuff my feelings and submit to abuse. In what way does that help either one of us grow? I've survived nicely for three years without seeing my mom and been happy not to see her, all that time. I can imagine going the rest of my life not seeing her, too, if I need to. I am perfectly willing to do that. But she apparently isn't, or so she says. She wrote me a letter, and sent it. It's sitting down on my kitchen table right now, I don't want to read it. This isn't fair, I know, but I just can't handle it at the moment. Sometime this weekend, I'll have to deal with it.
But today is Saturday and I'm up early. I intend to cover a lot of ground today, go to a couple of farmer's markets and the swimming pool, and generally goof off as much as possible. It's still summer time and I know that soon enough winter will come and I'll be cooped up inside. Better enjoy the nice weather while I still can. I will have to deal with the family stuff soon, though.
8:11:57 AM 
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