In The Moon Hut
It's dawn, and I'm just busting a menses (vulgar homegirl slang). I'm feeling tender and reflective and irritable. Things I just saw on CNN made me cry and think deeply. How broken our democratic process has become in California -- and how many stupid people there are who can be lied to and fooled -- Arnold won. Dr. Kevorkian has been dying in a prison cell for five years because he helped other people out of their suffering. Then I saw a story about the disease spina bifida. There was a shot of a tiny pair of baby legs, deformed, in braces, trying to walk with crutches... I mulled over how much I take my own mobility and relative good health for granted. Pondered my priorities in life: perhaps too self-centered. Saw my situation clearly for a second, one of those moments of clarity that may be a little too intense to stick with for very long. Even as I try to articulate it here, it's fading and morphing. There is a strong part of me that does not want to face my own flaws. I guess that is human nature. But then there's that other part that is willing to look at my shortcomings quite honestly once in a while. The problem I'm noticing more and more is that there is less and less inclination to change or grow as I get older. So these shortcomings become a part of one's character. It is those invisible grooves worn into people's souls that are the cause of all the pain and the suffering. Their failures to exercise compassion, forgiveness, understanding, generosity. Failure to help people more in need. Failure to notice that anyone is in need... Failure to make the connections between their own actions and how they may be inadvertently hurting someone else, whether by unwillingness or unconsciousness. Sins of omission and tragedies of misunderstanding and thoughtlessness. We're all guilty of these. I saw for a second what a world of lies we live in -- not just on the political level, but on the personal and private level. We lie to ourselves all day every day. And then on top of that come all the lies of the outside world -- a parallel universe of propaganda that pushes and pulls us around, even though we have easy access to the truth if we really want it. But that might hurt too much.
Since I've sequestered myself from the outside world, I've noticed that the pressure on me to act in accordance with socially and economically acceptable lies has decreased tremendously. In other words, I don't find myself in situations much any more where I feel like a phony. No fake smiles and manufactured cheer in the cubicles of the workplace any more. No kissing the heinies of any executive types. No bullshitting powerful people with slick presentations and promises I know I can't keep. I have had to do all of those things for studios and agencies in my career. But my own style, now that I am independent, is very easy-going and honest. I don't BS clients that I can do multi-level marketing. I'm simply a graphic designer and I don't promise that I can produce award winning campaigns overnight, I let them know it takes a little time, and I don't say I'll do it for nothing, I charge what I charge... I discuss realities with them and get annoyed with them. I don't try to act like nothing ever upsets me or like they don't have to participate in the process -- if they are dragging their feet on me, I scold them. But I do pretty good design and that is what keeps the loyal ones coming back. After all, isn't that really what they come to me for? In this economy, a lot of graphics professionals have gone independent. Because of this phenomenon, I think that the business ethos in the industry is mutating into something much more casual and honest than it used to be. People who use our services are probably getting their money's worth these days moreso than they used to with those bloated marketing organizations that have all those overpaid management types. I do the jobs of all of them, and it's streamlined -- I know everything about every project I do, which makes it really efficient. As long as I don't take on too many projects at once! Right now, I'm in a period for the first time since starting my business in which I'm busy all the time. I worked a twelve hour day yesterday, splitting attention between three clients. This load and pace are too much and I could not do this all the time. It's only because I'm wrapping up a huge web site project and soon things will slow down again significantly. But it is good to feel busy all the time once again. It's been more than a year since I quit my "real" job and for most of that year I was very unbusy and bored. My office is a mess, and I consider that a positive sign. Piles of stuff for projects everywhere. Desk bulging with notes, to-do lists, stacks of papers. Can't see telephone. Trash on floor, even. I'll be in here all day today, too.
It's 7:30, time for the shower drill and then to work. I have to stay in my townhouse all day, but I don't have to stay in the Moon Hut.
7:42:27 AM 
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