Doug Heaven
I had a friend named Dave who was a former smoker. He once told me his idea of heaven:
"You can smoke all you want, and nothing bad ever happens."
Makes sense, I guess. The "nothing bad ever happens" part is a given for most people outside of the sadists, masochists and lawyers who walk among us. But his idea of heaven was attached to the thing that probably tormented him more often than anything else: the desire to smoke, with no negative consequences.
I don’t subscribe to the Biblical Heaven, or really any other kind of Heaven; it mostly goes against my Hopeful Agnostic beliefs. But every once in a while, I think about Dave when he’ll be in his Smoker’s Heaven, and I laugh.
I laugh because my Heaven would be slightly different than Dave’s. Actually, it’s pretty similar, just different vices. Doug Heaven is like this:
We drink all the malts we want, and nothing bad ever happens.
Every ballgame is memorable and dramatic, and nothing bad ever happens.
We go to a fantastic new park every day, and nothing bad ever happens.
We see all of our friends all of the time, and nothing bad ever happens.
And so on…
And it’s funny to me, because there I would be, in Doug Heaven, drinking my malt, spending time with my family and enjoying my various vices, while Dave comes over from Dave’s Smoker Heaven and sits down, and we renew our friendship that has been dormant for too long. I’m not sure how my Heaven and Dave’s Smoker Heaven will coexist, but they will, because they have some kind of kick-ass Heaven Interfacing Program in Heaven. In Doug Heaven, all Heavens are compatible.
Of course, Heaven in this context isn’t about Salvation; it’s about Time. Why would I worry about Salvation? Now, maybe I should, and maybe I shouldn’t, but the point is that I don’t worry about it, and probably never will.
What I do worry about is Time. Doug Heaven is infinite time. Time to grow old with my family and friends. Time to play. Time to learn. Time is my enemy here on this Earth, and in Doug Heaven, I stop it in its tracks, and live out my infinite possibilities. I learn to shoot a jump shot like Wally Szczerbiak, and I learn to play a guitar like Hendrix at Woodstock. I see a new bird every time I walk the woods, and the woods never shrink from development. I’m healthy and vigorous and funny and can cook great dinners. I keep my relationships fresh. I don’t get tired in Doug Heaven (but I still love to sleep late). I don’t miss opportunities in Doug Heaven.
Can such a place exist? Based on my experience, no. But my experience consists only of time on this planet, in this realm of life. Who really knows where I go when I die? Some will profess to know, but I don't think they do. They might turn out to be right, but they don't really know for certain. Until I know otherwise, it would be presumptuous to declare that Doug Heaven doesn’t exist. And I wouldn’t want to be presumptuous…
I invite you to stop in at Doug Heaven when the time is appropriate, hopefully many years down the road. We have first class guest accommodations, the food is great, and we validate parking. And nothing bad ever happens.
