Silly boy you got so much to live for
So much to aim for, so much to try for
You blowing it all with paranoia
You're so insecure you self-destroyer-The Kinks, "Destroyer"
I used to be the jealous type. Unfortunately, not being satisfied to just have one debilitating personality flaw that hindered my ability to have a successful relationship, I also carried around a dufflebag-sized amount of paranoia. Put the two together, and there’s really no limit to the "fun" one can have in their personal life.
The jealousy was right there from the beginning of my romantic career in early high school, an obvious result of insecurity. Though I had a hard time getting dates, I eventually got them. But I always wondered why these girls were with me. Surely, I was just a stepping stone to somebody with better hair, a better body, a better car, a better social set, and blah, blah, blah. I could always find a reason for my girlfriends to dump me. Any interaction with other guys was extremely threatening to me.
"I don’t see why you have to be in activities that have other guys in them, like band. Band is just so stupid, anyway. Those band guys are always after something. Stay away from them. Stay away from all guys. You should just call me on the phone, all the time."
It was bad. Of course, I saw what I wanted to see, so when a girlfriend didn’t give me the ammo to feed my sick self-pity trip, my overactive imagination was more than happy to oblige.
"Oh, I saw the way you looked at the guy who brought our pizza out. Don’t think I don’t know what ‘Can I have a refill?’ really means.
It continued into college. I’m not proud of some of the things I did.
Did I surreptitiously ask friends for information about my girlfriends’ whereabouts? Yes, I did that. (Of course, they couldn’t be trusted, since it was always the friends of the girlfriend who were trying to convince her to dump me for some better guy, which led to Plan B…)
Did I ever follow girlfriends? Yes, I did that. And I was DAMN good at it, too. But my girlfriends were always one step ahead of the game, somehow knowing how to avoid incriminating situations while I was on the case. I applied Rumsfeldian Logic: the fact that nothing was found PROVED that they were hiding something.
Did I ever read diaries or letters? Yes, I did that. Again, they were always one step ahead of me, even going so far as to plant fake letters and diaries which covered their REAL tracks, and in some cases they even gave false statements regarding their warm feelings for me. I was dating some brilliant and crafty girls.
I did other things I won’t mention here. I lived in a world where there was no comfortable feeling of romantic acceptance. I was always waiting for the other high heel to drop. It wasn’t a fun place.
I am VERY happy to report that the person I am describing to you no longer exists, and hasn’t for a good many years. What happened?
Three things. First, I truly fell in love with a girl. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, and along the way, I got to see firsthand what happens when a relationship doesn’t work the right way. I figured out that I was at least as guilty of the things I had always suspected in other people. I was the violator of trust at least as often as they were. In a real relationship, you don’t have to invent problems to work on. The problems find you.
Second, I grew up. Specifically, I lived alone and took a lot of drugs. That probably doesn’t sound like growing up to you, but the thing I needed most in my life at the time was to take a step back and look at who I was, and how I interacted with people. I had been so worried about how the other people in my life might be trying to undermine me, I hadn’t really paused much for self-reflection. I didn’t like what I saw. I was self-absorbed, I lacked empathy, I didn’t communicate, and I didn’t live in reality. Plus, the paranoia and jealousy thing. But at the same time, I saw that I had plenty to offer someone if I would just let myself...be myself.
Third thing, I met my wife Jane. And before I knew it, those ugly parts of me that had caused so much difficulty were gone. I didn’t even notice it till years later. Now, I can’t believe the way I used to be. It’s like it’s not even the same person. There are a lot of ways to know that you have found the right person; finding someone who makes you forget your fears and insecurities is a pretty good one.
There was one memorable night when I had a relapse of jealousy and paranoia after I met Jane, but before we were married. I noticed one night that one of Jane’s old friends had a T-Shirt that was identical to one Jane had. "A-ha! I recognize that shirt! Everybody knows that wearing somebody else’s shirt is prima facie evidence of a sexual liason!" I was distracted the entire night, and actually had to leave the party early. My mission? To search Jane’s dresser drawers, which would of course show that her shirt was in fact missing, because it was being worn by her old "friend", and who knows how many other shirts of hers were missing and being worn by men all over the country that very night? That dresser drawer might not have any shirts in it at all! Shirts everywhere! How could I have been such a sap?
Well, as it turns out, her identical T-Shirt was right at the very top of the drawer.
"Oh, I get it. Obviously, he beat me home, snuck into the apartment, opened the drawer, put the shirt in, snuck out…Damn, these guys are good…"
At some point, you just feel stupid, and you acknowledge your stupidity, and are thankful that others accept it. I closed the drawer and kind of laughed to myself. I told Jane about it years later. I think "dumbass" was the word she used as she was laughing at me. Compared to "jealous and paranoid", I’ll settle for being a dumbass any day of the week.
1:11:05 PM 
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