I Need To Talk To You About Candy
I like candy. I need candy. I always know where the candy is when I'm at work, and I know where it is when I'm at home. And there is always candy. I'm like a candy bloodhound.
But I won't just eat any candy. Why? Because a lot of candy flat-out sucks. It's a funny thing, candy: Everybody agrees that some candy sucks, but there is almost universal disagreement on what those candies are.
My wife, for example, is a big fan of candy corn. But guess what? Candy corn sucks. It is a hard, triangular gelatinous mass that is not sweet, sour or hot. All candy must fit one of those three criteria. These are the rules. Thus, candy corn is not candy. Nor is it corn. I don't even know what it is, really. I mean, look at it...
They look like rotten teeth from one of the Young Ones co-stars. No thanks.
In my experience, there is only one candy which has the power to unite us, to make us forget our petty differences no matter the season. I am, of course, speaking of the venerable Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I defy you to find any sane person who would speak out against this confectionary Eighth Wonder. It is the king of candy, there is none higher...
Mmmm. Look at them. So perfectly cup-shaped. Reese's treads on dangerous ground with their precious creation, as they produce a variety of combinations of their peanut filling and waxy-chocolate synergy for holidays, including the Reese's Easter Egg, the Reese's Halloween Pumpkin, and the Reese's Memorial Day Graveside Floral Arrangement.
Ironically, the Reese's dynasty is also culpable for some of the worst candy creations ever to grace your convenience store shelf. Ever had a Nutrageous? A Fast Break? Those PB Cups with the bastardized Oreo cookie in the bottom? Unless you need to be able to vomit on command, there is no reason to even consider tasting one of these infernal creations.
Of course, one can't just sit around and eat candy all day. That is, unless one is on a Roadtrip. Being in a car for any length of time beyond one hour is natural free license to eat as much and as many different kinds of candy as possible. The key component to this kind of a candy inhalation is to have candies which can be portioned. You don't just want to have a monolithic hunk of chocolate, like a Crunch bar. The partitioning of the candy servings works in concert with the passage of the mile markers flying by your window. A monolithic candy, even the delcious PayDay, will make your trip seem like the Bataan Death Drive. Having candy that comes in short bursts livens your trip, and also allows you to eat more candy in the same amount of time.
With this in mind, the best Roadtrip candy you can find is the Chewy Spree. Not only are they a tart and tasty burst of starchy, gooey goodness, but they allow you to endlessly make the non-sequitor joke about going on a three-state chewing spree. I don't know what that means, exactly, but it's the kind of thing that's funny when you've had too much sugar.
Don't even try to argue with me about this. Don't bore me with your M&M's, your Alexander The Grape, your Fun Dip, your Chick-O-Stick. I've been around. I know those candies, and when the going gets tough out on the open road, those candies are going to let you down, big time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm always looking to try a new candy. But can you name a new candy that has taken off in the last 10 years? I mean, really. Name one. Oh, sure. You've got your Dark Chocolate Milky Way, and your Big Kit Kat. Those are just retreads of old candies with slightly varied ingredients and packaging, like any new product Taco Bell claims to invent. I'm talking about a bona fide new candy. You can't name one, can you? Whatchamacallit was 20 years ago, friends. Candy is dying, stagnant before our eyes.
Are our children to be doomed to eat the same tired candies that we had to suffer with? It's a confusing world out there these days, but all I know is this: The Zenith of the American Century coincided with an explosion in candy quality and variety never before seen, and not since equaled. And now, as our candy shelves stagnate, we also find that America is diminished in the eyes of the world.
Coincidence?
2:42:50 PM 
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