Good Guys, Bad Guys, and BAD GUYS
So, last night Linus and I are watching Return of the Jedi once again. It was his choice, not mine. (Sidebar: Return of the Jedi is an awful, awful movie. Empire Strikes Back is far and away the best movie of the series. It's not even close.) Anyway, Linus is at that stage of life where he's looking for the clues for who is Bad, and who is Good. Lucas makes it pretty easy to figure out who fits into what category, so Linus is mostly able to get this on his own. But every now and then, he looks to me for reassurance-"Chewbacca is a good guy, right?"
So, we're watching the scene with the Emperor and Darth Vader. The Emperor is clearly Bad, but he's not doing any overtly bad things. Mostly, he laughs and slouches and looks out his window, much like myself. I explain to Linus that the Emperor is indeed very Bad. In fact, he's Darth Vader's boss. Linus knows Darth Vader is Bad; I think he had trouble with the notion that anybody could be Badder than Darth Vader.
And I thought about that. Is the Emperor really Badder than Darth Vader? More powerful, perhaps, but come on. Darth Vader is pretty damn Bad, with that helmet, that lightsaber, that voice, that oversized Faberge egg he lives in.
Linus had started me on a quest: Who was the Baddest of the Bad?
I quickly jotted down what the criteria would be. How invincible is a villain? How intimidating or creepy? What does a villain do that is just plain cool, even if it does serve Badness? Do they have theme music?
Using those criteria, I rated the first villains that came to my mind. Of course, "villain" is a somewhat loose term...
Darth Vader
Theme Music: Of course. Everybody knows the Darth Vader music. I explained to Linus that whenever he hears that music, Darth Vader's in the house. (I literally explained it that way, and he got REAL concerned, looking into the dining room and kitchen.) In fact, Darth Vader's theme music is so ominous, people who like to put on a tough persona of foreboding now play it, like the Oakland Raiders, or the Lakers during Shaq's pregame introduction, or in the White House Press Room before Ari Fleisher enters...
Invincibility: Well, yes and no. Vader does die, after all. But it takes another Jedi to defeat him, and even then he lives on in Luke's brain with Yoda and Obi-wan. But notice how all the humans Vader comes in contact with nearly pee their pants whenever he approaches them. He's Bad.
Intimidation: See above.
Coolness: The whole deal. The uniform, the voice. Few villains have endured like Darth Vader.
The Terminator
I have a real soft spot in my heart for the original Terminator. He's relentless, you know? There are some scenes in this movie that are still amazing. Face it, if you've got the Terminator coming after you, your life is a real mess. Could Darth Vader learn how to drive a diesel 18-wheeler in two seconds, or mimic Sarah J. Conor's mother's voice? I doubt it very much.
Theme music: I can't remember. Doesn't matter. You've got to love the way he empties out Tech-Noir, the disco on Pico, though.
Coolness: In every damn way. From the great one-liners, to the way he hi-jacks the cop car (and then uses the cop's voice), to the awesome metal skeleton underneath, it's all good.
Invincibility: Well, he did die. But it took some weird time travel fluke from Michael Biehn and an industrial stamping press to do it.
Intimidation: Off the charts. Even while Sarah J. Conor and the Future Guy are having sex, they are looking over their shoulders.
Special note: Terminator 2
I have to admit that T2 is a fine villain, what with the whole melting and shapeshifting thing, but let's give credit where credit is due: Schwarzenegger's the man.
Uruk-Hai Orcs, from Lord Of The Rings
I know they are only foot soldiers in the LOTR world, but the Uruk-Hai are some of the most repulsive creatures I've ever seen. Literally borne of the earth and something else I'm not quite clear about, they are specifically made to serve the evil Saruman.
Theme music: I don't think so.
Coolness: They just look BAD. Really bad.
Invincibility: Well, not quite. I could go on and on about how much I hate it when the hero of a movie is able to vanquish 40 opponents, despite the fact that those 40 opponents are supposed to be really formidable. They are not invincible.
Intimidating/Creepy: In spades, until they actually try to fight.
Judge Smails, from Caddyshack
Theme music: No, but several great lines.
Coolness: The outfits, the yacht, the arrogance. I miss Ted Knight. One of my favorites.
Invincibility: Not so much. He's extremely vincible.
Intimidation/Creepiness: Again, not so much. But he's a lot of fun to watch.
Hannibal Lecter
Theme Music: Not really.
Coolness: Well, he's got that mask, and he does that thing with his mouth, and of course he eats people. I'm not saying that's cool, but it makes for a pretty complete villain. Best part about Lecter is that he's so obviously freaking everybody out that despite the fact that he's in a secure cell, they still hogtie him and gag him in the center of the room. People were spooked.
Invincibility: I've only seen the first movie, but since he got away to a tropical locale, he scores well in this category.
Intimidation/Creepiness: Uh, yeah. Since 1989, there have been zero children named Hannibal in the U.S. Somtimes, names just get ruined, like Adolf, O.J., or Rael.
Freddy Krueger
Look, I don't care what anybody says, Freddy Krueger was a scary deal in the mid-1980's.
Theme Music: Nothing that stands out.
Coolness: Well, there's the whole dream thing. That's creepy and new. There's the whole razor-fingers deal, which provides for a lot of vivid gore. The dream sequence in the school, where his arms extend to the sides of the wide hallway, will stay with you. Then, there's the totally fake and hilarious scene at the end when he reaches through and pulls the mother through a one-foot square hole in the door. And who can forget the Tongue Phone?
Invincibility: You can't stop Freddy Krueger, because you can't stop dreaming.
Intimidation/Creepiness: Check, and check. Plus, that red and green sweater really clashes.
Satan, in the Exorcist
Bad, Bad, Bad.
Theme music: Sure, we all know that creepy Exorcist theme. As someone who has zero belief in the presence of a Dark Underlord, I have no idea why that song creeps me out so much, but it does. It's worse than Revolution No. 9.
Coolness: That whole deal with the Ouija board? Satan isn't one to just bust out with a lightsaber, or try to rig a golf tournament, you dig? The Ouija board is just so perfectly creepy and cool, and is so perfectly Satan. In the hands of another villain, such a tactic would seem ham-handed and fall flat on its face. But Satan makes it work. I could go on and on, but let's face it: Satan presents himself as a villain to be reckoned with in this movie.
Invincibility: Well, that's a tough one to answer. Satan does seem to be shown the door, eventually. But it ain't easy.
Intimidation/Creepiness: Satan scores well in both categories. The voice and the head turn, not to mention the really blunt and colorful profanity, really give Satan the edge here.
Glenn Close, in Fatal Attraction
I wanted to have at least one woman on this list, and she's a winner.
Theme music: I don't remember.
Coolness: Well, first she gets her hooks in with that memorable elevator scene, which lasts all of three seconds or so. That tells you right there that this is a serious villain that isn't above the low blow. Then, she just proceeds to play an insane person really well, in that whole "I think this stuff really happens to some people" kind of way. That movie probably did more to curb adventurous and wandering husbands than anything else invented.
Invincibility: Well, she does die, although it takes a couple of attempts. She goes down easy at the beginning of the movie, but not at the end.
Intimidation/Creepiness: She boiled a rabbit and kidnapped some kids and took them to a roller coaster. Real Creepy.
OK, so there you have it. If I had to choose one of these villains to oppose, I'm going to go with Judge Smails, because I don't want to join his stupid country club anyway.
The one I least want to have to deal with? I'm tempted to say Satan, but there's a whole army of high-minded people who can kick him in the jimmy, if need be. I'm not saying I want to have Satan on my tail, though. But I have to go with the Terminator. He's relentless. He will not stop. And I have no idea where the nearest industrial stamping press is.
12:35:35 PM 
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