Life's Little Instruction Book (That People Can Actually Use)
Perhaps you've seen that book, so popular about 10 years ago, called Life's Little Instruction Book. It's a very simple little book of snippets of advice that a man wrote to give to his son as he was leaving for college. There are about 500 little nuggets in there, most less than 10 words each. Like anything, some of it's good, some of it's not.
Here are some examples:
"Have a dog"
"Don't waste your time playing cards"
"Remember to say 'Please' and 'Thank you'"
You get the idea. It's one of those books you get as a gift, but never read more than five pages of. I can't begrudge the guy who wrote it; it seems to come from the heart, and he had to have made a bundle of cash out of it. But I wonder how useful it really was for his son. I mean, there are a lot of things I anticipate telling Linus about the world, but I doubt that "Have a dog" is really something he needs to hear from me. He grew up with a dog!
No, kids don't need platitudes from us that tell them how to be role models living the good life. They need to know how to get along in the real world. My dad was really good at this kind of stuff. One night while I was in high school, I was carried home by my friends after engaging (and unfortunately winning) a vodka drinking contest at a New Year's eve party. It was a bad scene. My mom freaked out (and I'm sorry for putting you through that, mom...), but my dad offered a steady hand and helpful advice. He knew his son wasn't too bright, and might find himself in just such a situation again. And so he said: "Doug, next time you decide to do something stupid like drink a bunch of liquor for the benefit of other people, you need to immediately excuse yourself from the room, and then forcibly empty your system of everything you just drank." He knew there was going to be a period of time between that moment and the moment I would actually wise up, and in that period of time, I would probably have episodes of false machismo which would require putting his words into action. He was right. Instead of telling me not to drink, and knowing I would ignore that advice, he told me something which actually saved me from a lot of pain and sickness or worse. (Naturally, I will be telling Linus not to drink at all, and hoping he doesn't force my hand the way I forced my dad's.)
Of course, that's not the kind of thing that you will find in Life's Little Instruction Book, which is why I'm considering putting my own book together for Linus. I think there are a lot of rules that one ought to consider, and I'm in the early stages of formulating my list. A good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, had an excellent suggestion. It would have saved me a lot of frustration through high school and college, had I been smart enough to heed it.
His suggestion: If you are interested in having a physical relationship, but are having trouble finding a partner that meets your standards for physical engagement, Go Ugly. I'll make it a little more sensitive and call it: Aim Lower. In other words, don't spend your early romantic years chasing after all the attractive kids, because chances are, you won't get them to be interested in you. It will only lead to frustration, a terrible hit in self-esteem points, and social isolation as you grow older. Rather, Aim Lower. Many of us can identify with that point in our early romantic lives where we had people we enjoyed spending time with, but we didn't like them in "that way", because they were beneath what we perceived as being our ideal targets of affection. My friend's advice is to not think that way at all. Instead, spend the time with the people you enjoy, and don't get caught up in trying to make time with the hottest people around. If you are of a mind to "get busy", the important thing is the "getting busy", and you can't give up if you don't land with the Homecoming King or Queen.
My friend posits that everybody involved will usually be all the better for the experience. Of course, this sets up interesting situations where Person A decides to Aim Low, and approaches Person B, who might themselves still be Aiming High. This might cause even more frustration for Person A, who might then feel compelled to tell Person B that it ain't gonna happen with Person C, who is the Homecoming King and has a van, and that Person B ought to just face reality and get busy with Person A. Eventually, Person A might have to face the prospect of moving on to Person D, who is standing by themselves in a corner and is known as a socially maladjusted reprobate. This is made all the more painful when Person B actually does manage to hook up with Person C. Well, nobody said life was easy, Person A. But Person D might not be half bad, if you give it chance...
Oh, what's that? You think this is a crass, shallow discussion? You're probably right. But I guarantee you that there are a whole lot of Person A's out there who need to read this right now.
12:02:04 PM 
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