Cthulhu sucks
Got Cthulhu?
So, Jane and I are driving around town this weekend, and we see a car in front of us with two bumper stickers. One says, "Got Cthulhu?", which is a ripoff of the "Got Jesus?" sticker, which is a ripoff of the "Got Milk?" campaign, which itself is a ripoff of the much less successful and little-known "Got Goober Grape?" campaign. The other bumper sticker is a small round one with a pentagram and a goat's head on it. Those two stickers, plus the fact that they were on a Saturn, scream "Devil Worshipper" to me.
Now, I don't know much about Devil Worship, being the even-handed Agnostic that I am. I wasn't even really sure who or what Cthulhu was, having only seen the reference in a Metallica song and an H.P. Lovecraft book. So, I looked Cthulhu up, and this is what I found at UrbanDictionary.com:
CTHULHU
"That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange eons, even death may die."
Cthulhu is the high priest of the Great Old Ones, who worshipped the Outer Gods. Cthulhu is part dragon, part humanoid, and part squid. Dreaming of Cthulhu either drives you insane or forces you to become his mindless servant, seemingly at his choice. Cthulhu is something of a dark god, worshipped by insignificant races, such as mankind. The Outer Gods, and thus Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones, seek the ultimate dissolution of the universe and the death of all sentient beings.
Cthulhu lies dead and dreaming in R'Lyeh, his sunken nation-city, waiting to be resurrected. Some day, when the stars are right, he will rise again and devour the souls of all who stand before him.
"Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!"
Ooh. Scary stuff. I have translated the phrase in italics to mean, roughly: "Say it loud! I'm Cthulhu and I'm proud!" I'll just admit right now, I don't know shit from shinola about who these Outer Gods are, or who the Great Old Ones are, or any of that. I also don't know where R'Lyeh is, but given that it is a sunken nation-city, I would guess it's in Florida, because you know all the trouble they have with sinkholes down there. And let me just say, I love how the definition says "something of a dark God...", like destruction of all sentient beings is some kind of moral dillemma.
Look, I can at least understand why so many people are into Jesus. Jesus has a positive message, mostly. I myself am not a believer, since I tend to prefer empirical proof, which I have yet to see validating Jesus to my own standards. But still, I can understand why others make that leap of faith.
But why would somebody actively worship Satan, or a God like Cthulhu, whose stated goal is the destruction of all sentient beings? I don't get it. Wouldn't it be enough to just drive around being a random asshole, if you really think that's what our existence is all about? Why WORSHIP somebody like Cthulhu? And how does a person who worships Satan or Cthulhu reconcile the fact that they are living a life so normal that they are driving around a Saturn? Why have kids? Why have relationships? Why have a job? Why not just destroy sentient beings on your own, with a gun or a knife? Man, I hate those Satanic Bible-thumping hypocrites.
You know how so many people distort Jesus' supposed message and turn it into a really negative thing, like persecuting homosexuals and such? Maybe some Cthulu worshippers do the same thing, taking his somewhat destructive message and warping it to actually do good. I don't know how this would happen, exactly, but matters of faith have a way of reconciling themselves in strange, illogical ways.
So, in response to that bumper sticker's question: "Got Cthulhu?", I will have to answer "No." No way, man. I support sentient beings. I am NOT down with the Outer Gods. I reject their teachings and their unpronouceable words and their purloined bumper sticker catch-phrases.
Of course, for those of you who made the trip, you know there is a second definition of Cthulhu listed at UrbanDictionary.com:
CTHULHU
n. An irritaing condition, usually small colorless bump on the base of one's penis. Physically harmless, yet mentally distressing. Often stimulated by excessive masturbation.
"That Cthulhu has doubled the size of my picaco"
But it doesn't matter which definition you use; my answer is still "No."
2:23:38 PM 
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