When combined with a shock collar, Bowlingual can produce hilarious results!
Hey! That Dog Can Talk!
Leave it to the Japanese to come up with one of the coolest things I have heard of in a long time. It's called the Bowlingual. I read about it in the latest edition of Harper's. Basically, it's a special dog collar that you can put on your dog that will translate your dog's bark. It can produce several different translations, including:
I am huge!
I am dominant!
I want to see the world.
I am hungry.
I want to play.
You're leg is looking really good tonight.
I am bored.
If given a chance, I will not hesitate to disembowell the neighbor's cat.
I am higher than you.
No, you fucking roll over!
I mean, this is brilliant, brilliant stuff. It is due to appear in the U.S. in August, and at a price of around $120, I expect a lot of these things are going to be sold. It's hard to justify spending that kind of dough on a dog, but the implications are mind-boggling. Consider...
Dogs who are now "Bowlingual" will undoubtedly be confused at first by the presence of a disembodied voice that is now accompanying their own vocalizations. Picture this scenario, repeating itself over and over:
Dog gives aggressive bark. Bowlingual translates, and speaks: "I will bite you!"
Dog looks around. Who said that? Dog barks aggressively at nothing in particular, upon hearing this voice. Bowlingual translates, and speaks: "I will bite you if I can find you, but I am also deeply confused and troubled by the absence of my master, and the new presence of this authoritative voice which has no body."
Dog whimpers. Bowlingual translates, and speaks: "What the hell is going on? Will someone please scratch my belly now?"
Of course, beyond canine confusion and the potential for an endless feedback loop of dog self-training, the Bowlingual could be a disasterous development in human/feline relations. Cats would seem more aloof than ever, now that we can know our dog's deepest fears, emotions, and needs. But do we really even want to know what cats think anyway?
There are other downfalls as well. Any visit to your local dog park will put you in direct contact with people who already believe they can communicate with their precious dogs. I have even seen owners who allow a dog to poop in their hands (it's a long story). What would happen to these people if their dogs became "bowlingual"? These people already tend to not have meaningful relationships with anyone but their dogs. Can you imagine their reaction if their dog was actually able to tell them how they felt? What if they found out that their dog didn't really like them? ("Bark!" Translation: The other humans don't seem to like my owner. I don't really blame them.)
With Bowlingual human/dog communication will be really one-sided, and that's no recipe for a healthy relationship at all. There needs to be a companion product that will translate human language into barks. I mean, I've barked a few times, but I have to admit, I really had no idea what I was saying, and I think the dogs could usually tell. Of course, if I were to put a Bowlingual on myself, I could then bark out some barks and whimpers and let the translator tell me what I'm saying.
I could learn to speak dog for just $120! Then I could go to the pound and incite a riot ("Bark! Bark! Bark!" Translation: They're going to kill you all! Run for it when they open the gate to feed you!), or perhaps give candidate interviews to see who the best dog for me would be.
Me: "Woof!" (Translation: Thank you for agreeing to sit for this interview, Jamba.)
Jamba: "Rrrrrrr!" (Translation: My pleasure, Mr. Hennessee. May I call you Doug?)
Me: "Grrrrr" (Translation: I prefer to have a formal arrangement with my dog, Jamba, because I am the Boss. Do you understand?)
Jamba: "Hwmmhwmmm" (Translation: I'll do whatever you like, Mr. Hennessee. Just please, get me out of here. I promise not to shed my hair in your undoubtedly tastefully decorated house. I can tell you have a real sense of style, and I also think you smell really nice.)
Me, flattered: "Bark!" (Translation: Oh, why thank you, Jamba. Do you really think I smell nice? I did spill some au jus on my shirt before I came in; I'm really glad you like it.)
And so on.
I know what I want for Christmas. Color me Bowlingual!
1:29:48 PM 
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