The Pipeline Roundtable: Flames
Linus got a new bicycle helmet from Jane's parents for his birthday. It's super cool, a shiny royal blue with yellow, red and orange flame emanating from the front. I told him: "The flames on the helmet make you go faster."
It made perfect sense to him, and he enthusiastically endorsed his new gear, repeating word for word what I had just told him-"Yeah! The flames make me go faster!" No more child-like putt-putting around the neighborhood. His big red trike with the oversized knobby tires was about to transport him to a new dimension of time and speed, and it was all due to the bad-ass fire on his hard hat.
It's true, you know.
The flames really do make you go faster.
Pipeline has independently confirmed this with some of the leading scientists, gearheads and speed freaks working in the field of velocity-related activities today. We gathered them for a Flame Roundtable to discuss the phenomenon.
Seated on the left was Fritz Von Astrid, a leading physicist and authority on the special velocity-enhancing properties of flame. Seated in the middle was Bobby (Torch) McCullers, a union plumber who has painted a flame job on every form of transportation he has ever owned. And at the right end of the table was Linus. Once refreshments and a roundtable agenda was handed out, Pipeline convened the roundtable.
Pipeline: "We are hear to discuss, and verify if possible, the velocity-enhancing properties of flame. Who would like to begin the discussion?"
Linus: "The flames make me go faster!"
Bobby: "That's right! I can independently confirm that. This one time, I put this bad-ass flame job on this Chevette that I owned, and I swear it was the fastest 'Vette in town, man. But it only works if you really do a good job with the flame. The first flame jobs I did were just hand-painted onto this junker Duster I had, and I used like, house paint and a big paint brush, and it just looked like crap. It actually slowed Dusty down. But if you do a custom job, watch out!"
Von Astrid: "That's very true, Bobby. The style of flame job does indeed matter. At the Velocity College, where I do all of my research, we have extensively studied all kinds of flame jobs. What we have found, through wind-tunnel testing, computer modeling and such, is that a truly classic flame job will make any item go 10% faster. Guaranteed."
Pipeline: "Wait a minute, professor. Are you saying that just by painting flames onto a car, it can go 10% faster, with no other modifications? How can that be?"
Von Astrid: "No, I am not only saying that putting flames onto a car makes it 10% faster. I'm saying putting flames on anything makes it 10% faster. We tried it with cars, bikes, toasters, bread makers, Windows XP, Viagra...You name it, it got faster."
Pipeline: "But how..."
Linus: "The flames make me go faster!"
Von Astrid: "How, indeed. The flames represent two primary things. The first is that when things move fast, I mean really fast, they heat up. Eventually, they get so fast that friction starts to happen, and then the front of the car or toaster or Space Shuttle or whatever will literally burst into flame. Take Linus's helmet, for example. The flames on the front imply that he's riding so fast that he's literally combusting. Wouldn't that make you ride faster? Of course it would. By simply putting the flame onto the item in the first place, we estimate that it just makes it faster. It's complicated. I could draw you a formula, but you don't have a whiteboard in here, and I left my PowerPoint presentation at the lab. Of course, the flame also works a second way, in that things that are on fire move fast. We call this the "Hot! Hot!" phenomenon, though it is also called the Richard Pryor Experience. So you see, flame is both a cause and an effect of high speed. The relationships are well understood."
Bobby, turning to Von Astrid: "But professor, I don't understand. Linus here has a flaming helmet, yet his trike has no flames..." (Bobby turns to Linus) "...which is a serious oversight that I would be glad to rectify for you after this roundtable." (Bobby turns back to Von Astrid) "But won't his helmet just leave his trike in the dust? Don't they both need flames?"
Von Astrid, chucking: "Oh, Bobby. We used to think that, but we now know that the flame has transitive properties as well. By wearing his helmet, anything he does or comes in contact with will be 10% faster. For example, notice how quickly Linus is eating that NutriGrain bar right now? It's 10% faster than normal, because he is wearing his flaming helmet."
Linus: "The flames make me eat faster, too. I want flames on my shirt and shoes and pants and underwear so I can go really really really fast."
A look of great concern crossed Von Astrid's face. He stood imposingly, and shook a long, bony finger in the direction of Linus.
Von Astrid: "Be careful what you wish for, young man. The power of the flame is exponential. Wearing two flamed items will speed you up not 10%, not even 20%, but a lot more than that. I'm not sure how the math works right now, but you go really fast. Too fast. We tried experiments with flaming cars, driven by riders in flamed suits, flamed helmets. Everything had flames on it. The car never even made it to the test track. They simply...spontaneously combusted."
Linus and Bobby and Pipeline: "Cool!"
Von Astrid: "No, not cool! HOT!"
The roundtable burst into laughter.
Maybe it was just me, but he really was faster with that new helmet on last night. Mind over matter? The power of suggestion? Coincidence, or something else? Who knows? The flames work in mysterious ways.
Join us next week for The Pipeline Roundtable: What To Say When Somebody Sneezes
10:53:17 AM 
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