Santas, waiting for their reports
Talkin' Bout Santa Claus
Linus spent last Christmas with a vague knowledge of who Santa Claus was, and although he had questions, they were easy to answer without raising any suspicion. I'm not even sure he was able to have suspicion last year, which is really nothing more than a recognition that one set of information that you are receiving doesn't jibe with prior information that you have received.
This year, it's different. We read Chris Van Allsburg's "Polar Express" the other night, and I suddenly found I was playing a key role in the Santa Inquisition. As I answered his many questions, I found that I was having an internal dialogue with myself even as I was trying to explain it all to him. The following conversation lies somewhere between what really took place and what part of me wanted to hear him ask and hear me answer. Santa Claus is all about imagination, right?
L: "Who is Santa Claus?"
D: "He's a guy who lives at the North Pole and brings gifts to kids. Kids that have been good."
L: "What's 'good' mean?"
D: "You know, kids who listen to their parents. That's being good. Santa brings gifts to all of those kids. Kids who don't go to bed on time might not get a present from Santa, though."
L: "Why? Why does Santa care whether we go to bed on time or not? Are you saying that if I'm a good kid all day long, but just want to stay up another half hour to play with my daddy or momma or read books, that Santa won't bring me a present?"
D: "Uh...not necessarily. It's more of a general thing. Kids who don't listen to their parents tend to not get gifts from Santa. That's why you need to listen to us."
L: "How does Santa know if kids haven't been listening to their parents?"
D: "Well, Santa is very smart and wise. You know that song, '...he knows if you've been sleeping, he knows if you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!' Santa just knows."
L: "But HOW does he know? Does he have spies? Does he come into my room when I'm asleep?"
D: "He has an internet camera, and strong intuition. Plus, he asks parents to send him reports on their kids. I usually fill mine out right after you go to bed, which is why you never see me doing it. You wouldn't want to have me filling out a report on you after you've refused to go to bed until an hour after your bedtime, would you?"
L: "Well, if he's so powerful, why does he need you to tell him what I do? Why do I have to write him emails and letters telling him what I want for Christmas? Doesn't he just know?"
D: "He probably does know, but he wants you to take part in the process, for your own empowerment. He doesn't just want gifts to fall out of the sky and land under your tree, without you having any idea why they are there."
L: "And what about those gifts? Why does he need all those elves to help him? And why did my Santa gift last year come in the Hot Wheels box. Does he make all the Hot Wheels stuff that's at Target?"
D: "No. No, no, no. The stuff at Target isn't from Santa. That's from toymakers like Mattell and Hasbro. Santa has a licensing agreement with those companies, wherein he can produce the toys and packaging in such a way that...Look, forget about that. What's important here is that Santa rewards you for good behavior by giving you a gift. The better you are, the better your gift will be."
L: "But I don't see how I can be any better than I already am. You tell me all the time how good I am. And yet, I can't help but notice that Momma doesn't think you're very good a lot of the time, because you don't clean the catboxes, and you don't put away the laundry or fold it the right way, and other stuff I don't understand what she's talking about, but she's giving you that mad look. Is that behavior reflected in Momma's reports to Santa about you?"
D: "Grownups don't get stuff from Santa. Only kids do. If Santa had to carry all the adult gifts around, he wouldn't have any room in his sleigh. So Santa doesn't care if Momma gives me the bad look, and besides he would know that Momma is full of it anyway because there's more than one right way to fold the laundry. She's not perfect, you know, and Santa is very aware of that, because he has been tracking her since she was young. He keeps permanent records on people, and he's mad at Momma because she didn't do a good job on her paper route when she was a girl. Of course, he's also mad at me because of the time I shoplifted when I was a kid, but I paid my debt, and I have appealed to him to have that expunged from my record. Expunged! So let that be a lesson to you about shoplifting, son. Not only does it get you into hot water with the authorities and store owners and dis-orient your moral compass, but it gets you onto Santa's bad list."
L: "OK...Tell me, how is it that his sleigh can fly? It doesn't have wings or a rocket engine, and that's how you told me things fly."
D: "Santa's sleigh is a kind of hot air balloon. It's filled with hot air. So are the reindeer."
L: "Cool!"
D: "Any other questions?"
L: "How does Santa get down the chimney with all those gifts? He's too fat to fit down our chimney!"
D: "He can make himself very thin. He drinks SlimFast, and he's also on Adkins. Plus, I'm telling you, he just can. He has powers we cannot understand, powers that defy logic. You'll just have to accept it as a matter of faith that Santa can do the things we tell you he can do."
L: "What's 'logic'? What's 'faith'?"
D: "Logic is what makes sense. Faith is believing in something that may not be logical."
L: "I don't understand. You've been teaching me all about the world, how everything from gravity to money to space and time work, and how it all has rules. I don't understand all the stuff you tell me, but you at least explain it. Now you're telling me to believe in a guy that can see everything I do, who can fit in a space that I know he can't fit into, that can fly, and that can make a million toys and spread them around the world all in one night! You say I should believe in this guy who defies all of these other rules you're teaching me, and that's totally fine. I will believe it, because I'm only four. But how will I know when to apply logic and faith in the future? How will I know that I should use logic to tell me that I can't jump off the house and fly, as opposed to having faith that I can fly because I want to, and because some other kid told me I could?"
D: "Don't jump off the roof, Linus. You can't fly. You'll hurt yourself very badly."
L: "I know that."
D: "I can't really tell you what to have faith in, Linus. I mean, I can tell you. But whether you choose to have faith in something or not will be up to you. Do you have faith in Santa Claus?"
L: "I think so. I see him around a lot, so I know kind of what he looks like. And it seems like he's a good guy, and it's really nice that he brings toys to kids all over the world. Kids need toys. And although I can't explain how he knows what I've been doing, or how he makes the toys, or how he gets them to my house or under my tree, the fact remains that there is always a gift under my tree from Santa, and there is simply no rational explanation for how that would happen except for the existence of Santa."
D: "I think you're on to something there, Linus. If you want to believe, the rest is pretty easy."
L: "Are we going to set out cookies and milk for him this year again?"
D: "Oh, certainly. He was very specific in his communications with me that we leave him some nice chocolate chip cookies and milk."
L: "But Momma said he wanted oatmeal and raisin cookies, and..."
D: "Oh, that figures. Again with the oatmeal. Well, we'd probably better leave both kinds. And two glasses of milk, just in case Santa's extra thirsty this year."
L: "Maybe we better leave diet cookies, so he can get back up the chimney?"
D: "Do NOT leave diet cookies for Santa. That makes him angry. He wants only high-quality cookies, and lots of them."
L: "Well...I better get to sleep if I want you to send Santa a good report on me tonight."
D: "Not to worry, Linus. I'll send my best report yet."
L: "Daddy?"
D: "Yes, Linus?"
L: "Do you believe in Santa Claus?"
D: "Well...I used to, but then I didn't. But talking to you about him kind of makes me believe in him again. Anything that can make so many kids so happy has to be real, right?"
L: "Goodnight, Daddy."
D: "Goodnight, Linus."
2:03:50 PM 
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