Thursday, March 25, 2004

Sprung I hear thunder right now.  Rumbling, shake-the-windows thunder.  It's beautiful.  And I saw lightning today.  It's been months since we had a thunderstorm.  I stood outside my work about 20 minutes ago and just smelled the air, and shortly after I came inside the skies just opened.  Buckets. When I was outside, I saw a Red-winged Blackbird.  I saw a Great Blue Heron. Spring is here. 3:05:26 PM    Say what?[]

MYH16 There was an interesting announcement in the field of evolutionary biology yesterday, which basically said that a mutation which caused smaller jaw muscles in our primate ancestors cleared the way for our brains to expand. The mutuation was on gene MYH16, and researchers think it happened about 2.4 million years ago.  The theory is that when the mutation happened, it caused a change in the massive muscle structure that enveloped the skull, which was constricting enough to limit an expansion in cranial (and thus brain) size.  With the muscles gone, the jaw bones necessarily became smaller as well. The theory has detractors, but it seems compelling because a lot of other human advancements happened about 2.4 or 2.5 million years ago, like our ability to use tools to grind food.  Also, it was about 2.4 million years ago that the sizes of our skulls began to increase dramatically. Hey, something had to cause that, right? 1:54:00 PM    Say what?[]

Kill the Moles! There's a war going on in my yard.  It is a war between me and the mole colony that lurks beneath my property, and so far I'm getting my ass kicked.  Mountain out of a molehill?  Perhaps, if there were just one or two moles.  But there are dozens of them.  There have to be.  Either that, or I have the Speedy Gonzalez of moles under my yard, and I have a big yard.  For the first three or four years we were in our house, it wasn't uncommon to find a mole tunnel or three in the yard at any given point in the summer.  Upon seeing them, I would take action.  I would first press the tunnel back down by doing a little Charlie Chaplin-style shuffle walk on it.  Then I would spray a castor oil/water mixture on the area. The first year, that worked.  The second year, we didn't have many moles for whatever reason.  The third year, it got worse.  The spray didn't seem to work anymore.  I tried poisons, smoke bombs, even metal traps.  Nothing worked.  The only time we ever had firm evidence of a mole being repelled from our yard was when our cat Tino caught one.  But Tino's gone now, and when the cat is away, the moles will play.  Or, when the cat is dead, the moles get ahead.  Either way, my remaining cats, dog, children, wife or myself have shown any proclivity whatsoever to rid the yard of these pests in the way that Tino did.  We never truly appreciate what we have until it is gone, do we? Then, last year, I really let things go.  The yard became overrun with mole tunnels, so much so that nearly everywhere you took a step you would sink down a couple inches.  Walking in my yard now is like walking on an air mattress that has a really bad leak.  The moles have now transformed the physical landscape; what used to be a nice, flat, green expanse is now shaped roughly like the Land of Dairy Queen covered with dead grass and dirt.  I have been driven into a killing frenzy.  Simply expelling them will not sate my hunger; I must taste the blood of the mole.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  I think.  The Enemy But how to kill them?  A trip to the lawn store is no help; no fewer than six or seven different types of remedies exist.  Which work?  In my experience, none of them do (but they are all expensive).  Do I listen to my neighbors, who say that I must kill the bugs that they moles eat?  I'm truly lost in the wilderness here, looking for answers with which to combat my tormentors. I know when I am beaten.  And when times are darkest, it is time to turn to Google.  Here is what Google told me: Ohio State University has an extension service pamphlet that was very helpful.  Among the highlights... Numerous home remedies have been used, but results are inconsistent and generally ineffective. Remedies such as pickle juice, broken glass, red pepper, razor blades, bleach, moth balls, rose branches, human hair balls, vibrators, ultrasonic devices, castor bean derivatives (Castor Oil), and explosives may relieve frustrations, but they have little value in controlling moles and may harm you or the environment. Wow!  Broken glass?  Human Hair Balls?  Vibrators?  Sounds like a good time.  I'm glad the Ohio State Extension service poo-poohs these ideas, because I didn't want to have all those vibrators sticking out of holes in my yard.  What would the neighbors think?  What would the guy at Sexworld think when I went to buy all those vibrators?  ("Let's see...I'll take 20 of those solar-powered vibrators, and any human hair you happen to have laying around back behind the counter...")  So what does work?  Trapping.  I have to trap these damn moles.  And I have to figure out their shadow network of tunnels to do it.  Again from the Extension Service... Active runs can be located by stepping down the run, marking the location, and checking to see if the tunnel is reopened within 24 to 48 hours. Permanent or deeper tunnels will be the most productive trap locations since these tunnels may be used several times daily. To identify main runways in a yard or area, look for constantly reopened tunnels that follow a generally straight line or that appear to connect two mounds or two feeding areas (branching tunnels). Main runways often will follow fencerows, walkways, foundations, or other manmade borders. Occasionally, main runways will occur along woody perimeters of a field or lawn. Meandering tunnels in the lawn are "probes" that are quickly constructed by moles and may not be reused. Locating traps in these probes may not be productive. Criminy.  Bin Laden's tunnell network has nothing on the moles in my yard.  Seriously, there are so many damn tunnels in my yard, it's like looking at a map of the London Underground.  But I have my suspicions about where those main tunnels might be, and I have two traps.  The traps have never worked, of course, but the extension service did give me this little gem: Three types of mole traps are especially effective: harpoon, scissor-jaw, and choker loop. To ensure safe and humane deployment, be sure to follow printed instructions. Note: The instructions included with harpoon style traps will not provide for consistent results! The run must be collapsed and the trigger pan securely pressed into the run creating a blockage allowing the mole to trigger the trap when attempting to reopen the tunnel. Oh, fantastic.  Silly me, following the printed instructions on my harpoon style traps.  Never again!  Further reading raises suspicions about the OSU Extension Service, however.  It seems they actually like moles, and give us an "interesting facts" section about them, including tidbits like: A 5 ounce mole will consume 45-50 lbs of worms and insects each year. Moles can dig surface tunnels at approximately 18 feet/hour. Moles travel through existing tunnels at about 80 feet/minute. Moles contain twice as much blood and twice as much hemoglobin as other mammals of similar size. This allows moles to breathe more easily in underground environments with low oxygen. Mole lovers!  What kind of sorry, sick person do you have to be to love moles? Finally, who knew there were so many kinds of moles?  Moles in the ground.  Moles on your skin.  Moles that brew beer.  Moles that are spies.  Moles that are numbers.  Moles that teach Latin.  Moles that ponder the Meaning of Life and Everything.  And moles that taste good. 12:59:46 PM    Say what?[]

Shy Guy My son Linus is very shy.  He'll come out of his shell for people he's familiar with, but in general he's the kind of kid who never speaks unless spoken to (and sometimes not even then). We walk into school, kids, teachers and parents will say "hello".  Outside of a very few people, he'll simply say nothing.  Won't even acknowledge them.  I have to prod him to say something, and usually I end up doing this weird thing where I kind of say what he's supposed to say, in a little child voice, like this: Parent of child X: "Hello, Linus." Linus: "........" Me: "Say howdy, man." Linus: ".........." Me, in silly voice, to parent: "Hello!" It's so retarded, and now as a result of my son's awkwardness, I end up looking like a dummyless ventriloquist.  Yes, yes, there is room here for the obligatory "apple not falling far from the tree" comment.  I acknowledge that. But yesterday, perhaps a breakthrough.  As we were walking into school, a girl Linus knows was in front of him.  And he said, ever so slightly, "Hi, Katrin."  He never initiates that kind of contact, especially with girls.  She even heard him, turned around and said "hi" back to him! It made me happy to not have to use my funny voice. 10:56:59 AM    Say what?[]

© Copyright 2004 DH. Last update: 4/1/2004; 2:21:20 PM.