Wednesday, October 27, 2004


Tight

I need to go check the score of Game 4 of the World Series, which is probably in about the second or third inning by now. 

You know what would be a lot of fun?  Watching how tight the Red Sox would get if they lost tonight and tomorrow.  Think they wouldn't be just a teeny tiny bit tight upon their return to Fenway?  Seems like a fair conclusion to me.

Do you know what's beautiful about that?  But for the Red Sox historic come-from-behind win over the Yankees when down 3-0 in games, the Red Sox fans would already be drunk and looting right now.  Because nobody had ever come back from that until the Red Sox did it.  The Red Sox themselves would end up causing Red Sox nation the most pain.  It's perfect!

How many Red Sox Masochists will start to break if the Cardinals win even tonight?  You know some will, because that makes tomorrow a kind of must-win.  Every Cardinal win from here on out builds pressure unlike any felt by any professional team before.

Of course, every Red Sox win from here on out ends the Series.  I don't seriously believe the Cards can win.  But I'd sure like to see the Sox and Sox Nation go bonkers with the self-doubt if they start believe in the ultimate in pain, a loss after being up 3-0 in the World Series.


7:57:56 PM    Say what?[]

The Movie Star Freebie

Jane helped out with John Edwards' visit to Minneapolis earlier this week.  It wasn't a glamorous detail; she helped load all of the travelling party's luggage into a rental truck and drove it to their hotel. 

There were some perks, however.  She mentioned that she got to wait on the tarmac when Edwards' plane arrived on Monday night, and she saw him leave the airplane and get in a waiting car.  But that wasn't the perk.  The perk was her excited announcement that Ashton Kutcher and Kirsten Dunst were rumored to be on the plane, and who knows, maybe she would get a chance to see or meet them on Tuesday during Edwards' speech.

I wondered if she was as enthusiastic about the prospect of her meeting Ashton Kutcher as I was by the prospect of me somehow meeting Kirsten Dunst.  I'm not sure how I would have met Kirsten Dunst, since I wasn't working the event, but I figured it wasn't completely out of the realm of possibility.  After all, she was in town, I was in town.  She supported Kerry, I supported Kerry.  She was in Spider-Man and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I had seen both of those movies.  I acknowledge that my chances of meeting Kirsten Dunst were quite small, but they were better than my chances of meeting, say, Cheryl Tiegs or Corazon Aquino.

Of course, no matter how much I was titillated by the notion of meeting Ms. Dunst, the reality was that Jane had a much better chance of meeting Ashton Kutcher than I did of meeting Kirsten Dunst. 

"So what?", I thought.  So what if Jane meets Ashton Kutcher.  Good for her.  She was the one doing the dirty work of hauling bags (probably including those of Ashton Kutcher and Kirsten Dunst), so she deserved a brush with a 26 year-old former male model celebrity movie star.

Then, for no reason whatsoever, I wondered what the chances might be of Jane and Ashton Kutcher getting it on.  I would rate these chances as substantially low, but that didn't matter because I was no longer operating in the reality-based community.  And do you know what I thought?  I thought, "So what?"  So what if Jane and Ashton Kutcher get it on. 

Now don't get me wrong.  If Jane came home and said, "Doug, I have some bad news about me and Ashton Kutcher.  Not only did we get it on, but it was so great that I'm afraid our marriage is over."  I'd have a big problem with that, but I know that would never happen because Jane would never leave me for Ashton Kutcher even if she had the chance.  You know the guy voted for Bush in 2000, right?  It's true.

See, I think married folks should get a Movie Star Freebie.  If Jane had the chance to have some sort of no-strings attached liason with Robert DiNiro or Ashton Kutcher or Jimmy Walker, more power to her.  That's a brush with greatness, and a great story to tell.  And let's be real: Those guys aren't threats to me.

To clarify, I'm not saying it's OK to go out and actively seek these people out.  You can't stalk people like that, and that also takes some of the dumb luck spontanaety out of it.  It has to be a deal where for whatever reason, Jane or I find ourselves in the company of a movie star, sparks fly, and that's that.  And it can only happen once.  She can't be hopping on a plane to fly out and see Ashton Kutcher on the set of "Dude, Where's My Car Again".  This is a one-time only offer. 

And when I say "Movie Star", I'm not talking about direct to video or TV movies.  I'm talking big screen, movie posters, Ebert giving the thumbs up or down.  Real movies.  Ashton Kutcher barely even qualifies given his work catalogue, but he does qualify. 

Naturally, what's good for the gander is also good for the goose.  And that brings up a little loophole in this Freebie rule, which is that music videos should count.  When you think about it, they're kind of like little movies.  Liz Phair, for example, has been in a lot of videos, and if you were to play them all one after the other, they would add up to being movie-length.  I don't see how any reasonable person could argue with that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get over to a Kathy Bates booksigning happening here in town. 


7:52:28 PM    Say what?[]

The Undecided Voter

 

As the 2004 election winds down to its last week, an increasing amount of attention is being paid to that peculiar animal known as the Undecided Voter, defined as those people who will vote for either Bush or Kerry, but have yet to make a firm decision.

 

Pipeline has disparaged Undecided Voters in the past, but in the interest of fairness we thought we would take another look at the thinking of a cross-section of Undecided Voters.  Perhaps there is a logic informing the Undecided Voter that our partisan pro-Kerry view had overlooked in our earlier assessments?

 

Because Pipeline’s polling budget has been slashed this year, we will rely on this New York Times story on Undecided Voters, published on October 25, 2004.  This story introduces us to no less than six Undecided Voters with just more than a week to go in the race.  Let’s take a look at how they arrived at their indecision…

 

Mary Ellen Bower, for instance, voted for Bush in 2000, but is reluctant to turn to him again.  She’s concerned about the high cost of health care, and believes the Iraq war has fractured this country at a huge expense.  So why is she undecided?  Well, she’s just not sure about Kerry, and worries about changing the leadership while the soldiers are abroad.

 

Now, Pipeline would normally comment about this, but we’re trying to turn over a new leaf here, one that doesn’t belittle people for thinking things that don’t make sense to Pipeline.  The fact is we’ve met and known a lot of nice, intelligent people who for one reason or another remain Undecided Voters.  As a result, instead of providing commentary on Ms. Bowers’ indecision, we will simply try to characterize her view as concisely as possible, like this:

 

Sure, we bought another Ford Pinto after the first one detonated.  And maybe we kept eating those Olestra Doritos a little too long after we first got the diarrhea, too.  But at least we knew what we had.  If we bought another car, or ate another chip, who’s to say what could have happened?  We could have had another explosive car and more explosive diarrhea.  And then where would we be?

Let’s spend a moment with Victoria Lichtman.  From the Times:  "It seems like every day, I'm changing my mind," said Victoria Lichtman, 50, of Delray Beach, Fla. Ms. Lichtman said the president, whom she did not support in 2000, had done a poor job on the environment, as Mr. Kerry has charged. But, she wondered, was Mr. Kerry proposing a form of government-controlled medicine, as the president has claimed? The war started by Mr. Bush breaks her heart, Ms. Lichtman said, but would Mr. Kerry swing too far in the other direction?

You can see the quandary Ms. Lichtman is in.  On the one hand, one person says one thing.  On the other hand, the other person says something else.  Pipeline summarizes this viewpoint thusly:

I have three friends who are pro-Bush, and three who are pro-Kerry.  I need one more Decided Voter friend, and then I’ll know which way to vote. 

Schoolteacher Doug Newton has no such quandaries.  He’s leaning towards Bush because, as the Times says,  “…I'm a supporter of our actions in Iraq, even though the weapons of mass destruction have not been found, and may never be found. I kind of feel like I know where Bush stands and what he is for. To me, Kerry is more of a guy who is against things."  Damn that John Kerry, always against things.  Especially things President Bush has done.  Why can’t he support the President?  The Pipeline summary of this viewpoint:

It’s unpatriotic to not support the President.  Period.  And all this analyzing and questioning?  That’s for eggheads and pussies!

When asked why, then, he was undecided, Newton replied, “I’m not.  This just proves how much the New York Times lies.”

Kimberly Parmer has her own reasons for being undecided, and they may be the most common among the Undecided Electorate in 2004.  Again, the Times: "I don't think terrorism is as big a threat as everyone is making it out to be," Ms. Parmer said. "Yes, we have had a couple of incidents, but other countries have hundreds every year. Iraq is important, but so are things like Social Security and Medicare. Neither one has really touched on those subjects because no one is going to be happy, no matter what you do."  Ms. Parmer, who said she is firmly planted in "the very low middle class," also saw the Bush tax cut as poorly timed. She normally votes for Democrats, she said, but is not sure this time.  "One is too polished; the other one, I think to be honest, I don't know how he ever got to be president," Ms. Parmer said. "I am really surprised he has gotten as far as he has in life. I do think he's honest."  Even so, Ms. Parmer said, she thought she might vote for Mr. Bush. "If you actually look at him, and he stands up next to Kerry, you just kind of feel sorry for him," she said. "I feel he's more of an underdog, he's had a hard go of it in the last four years."

Ah, the Sympathy Vote.  And now that you mention it Ms. Parmer, Pipeline doesn’t remember any discussion on Social Security or Medicare, either, aside from that big chunk of the third debate and all the newspaper stories and all that.  Pipeline summarizes this viewpoint as:

One of these guys obviously shouldn’t be President, which is why I’m going to vote for him.  Also, I’m incredibly fucking stupid.

Finally, let’s look at Caran Gottlieb, another Undecided who’s leaning toward Bush.  The Times: "My concern, with Bush, there is no more middle class," Ms. Gottlieb said. "The tax benefits all seem to go to the upper echelon. But he is good with foreign policy. I feel he can speak well on that issue. Not literally 'speak well.' I meant he has a good voice for foreign policy."  She saw the film, "Fahrenheit 9/11," and while recognizing that its director, Michael Moore, had not meant to praise Mr. Bush, speculated that his family's business ties with Saudi Arabian concerns could be a plus for the country.  "I don't know if it's because of all his dealing with the Saudis, the private sector, I feel he has a good relationship" with leaders in the Middle East, Ms. Gottlieb said.

Pipeline summarizes this view as:

I am insane.  Plus, I like all this attention.

Well, OK, we didn’t quite make it through that little exercise without reverting back to name-calling and nastiness.  Sorry.


7:25:30 AM    Say what?[]

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