On Porn Viruses and Puppet Sex
Somehow, some way, I contracted a computer virus. I don't know if it was via an email, a website, or some other source. The virus made itself known to me by forcibly changing my home page from Pipeline to some generic search page that looks vaguely like Yahoo!, but isn't.
At first I just viewed this as an annoyance, but after a little bit it became clear that no matter what I tried, I wasn't able to get this mysterious search engine home page to go away. As viruses go, it was pretty benign, if not annoying.
Then I looked at my bookmarks list.
In addition to my normal bookmarks were several new ones. Some were generic things like "Sports" or "Movies". I knew I hadn't put those in there, and wondered if it was the virus or Jane. Then I looked further down the list and saw categories like "Assblaster Anal Explosion" and "Barnyard Animal Sex". That second one was a good indication that Jane hadn't established these bookmarks, and I knew that I had been hit by a nefarious and very naughty virus.
I tried to reset my bookmarks, plus a few other futile ideas. Nothing worked. Eventually I figured it was more trouble than it was worth to get rid of the stuff, since my browser continued to work just fine, so I just let the stuff sit out there.
But then one day Jane's mom was at our place and ended up using the internet. I didn't think anything of it, but then I realized (or Jane suggested to me, I can't recall) that maybe it's not such a good thing to have a dozen or so of the raunchiest possible bookmarks just sitting out there for anybody to see. So Jane downloaded virusware, which for some reason I never got around to doing, and that took care of the problem. Now the dirty links are gone.
I'm still amused by the episode for a variety of reasons. For one, the links didn't even work. For another, the notion that Jane's mom might think that we not only visit sites like that, but bookmark them, is funny to me, but only to a point. Jane's mom is too nice a person to mention anything like that if she noticed it, plus she would be too embarassed to mention it.
But then I started to wonder if maybe she had seen some of those bookmarks. I don't want my mother-in-law to think I have some sort of anal sex farm animal fetish. Nobody wants that, and if she ever did confront me with it I'd have to blame the virus, then Jane, in that order. The only thing worse than having people know you have some kind of perversion is getting pegged with a perversion that you yourself are disgusted by.
But let me be clear: I do not, nor have I ever, nor will I, view any type of pornographic material containing animals. I would, however, consider viewing pornographic material containing people dressed up as animals, such as college mascots. For example, if there were a site where U of M mascot Goldy Gopher was sixty-nining Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger, I would probably have to check that out. That's the only thing that can satisfy my Furry/Beastiality festish!
But seriously, I would not view that.
OK, I would. I admit that. But I wouldn't enjoy it much.
Speaking of bizarre porn, I'm curious if any readers have seen Team America. I have, and I found it to be worth my time and money, because I have very low humor thresholds whenever marionettes are involved. You may have heard that there is an extended hardcore sex scene in Team America. I had never seen hardcore marionette sex before Team America. Softcore, sure. Who hasn't? But this was the Real McCoy.
Marionettes are very limber, so they can do lots of positions with abandon. I have to admit that I was impressed with the marionette sex scene, so much so that I wondered if there wasn't a potential market for marionette porn. Not only might marionette porn be profitable, but it might also be healthy.
Think about it. For one thing, the exploitation factor is dramtically reduced with marionette porn. Yes, one could certainly depict situations that are degrading to women, men, youngsters or animals, but you'd have to be one perverted puppeteer to do something like that. (I'm talking about your traditional man/woman marionette porn. Also, your traditional woman/woman and man/woman/woman marionette porn.) Marionette porn means that no actual actors need to be exploited on camera for drugs or money or self-esteem, because marionettes don't need drugs or money or self-esteem.
There are so many advantages, I can't believe nobody has come up with this idea yet. For example, marionette porn would be incredibly cheap to produce. You don't have to pay actors, and you could use the same marionettes over and over again as long as you had a good supply of clothes, wigs and marionette-sized high-heeled shoes. And because marionettes never grow old, you don't have to worry about finding new talent. Not only that, but male marionettes never suffer from performance anxiety. Sure, I admit the acting would be a little wooden at times, but if I were to make a marionette porn movie there wouldn't be any acting, just pure puppet-pounding action all the way.
The only problem, as I see it, is that marionette porn may not actually be stimulating so much as it is funny or disturbing. And if it is stimulating, does anybody really want to admit to that? You think there's stigma buying porn now, wait till you buy puppet porn. Also, I suspect it's difficult to find puppeteers who have both the ability and desire to make marionette porn, at least for public consumption.
Then again, there have to be many more puppeteers out there than there are opportunities to use that skill. Let's face it, Mister Rogers Neighborhood, Being John Malkovich and Team America have already come and gone. It's a bleak future for puppeteers, many of whom are probably already down on their luck. Unlike those sleazy operators cruising the streets looking for young runaways to exploit, I could cruise public library puppet theatres and flash some bling and some blow to all those starving, bitter puppeteers who missed their big break. I'd pull together a stable of the best and the brightest and most desperate puppeteers this land has to offer. In three months we'd have our techniques down cold, a month after that we'd have a script, a distribution network and advance money. By Spring 2005, we go straight to video with "Masturbator of Puppets", and we never look back.
10:31:19 PM 
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