Two Years Gone
This week marks the two year anniversary of Pipeline. (I wasn't able to post yesterday because I forgot to renew my license, which is why today's posts have yesterday's date on them-they were actually written yesterday.)
Some days, I write for myself. I write because it makes sense to me, and it's one of the few things I can do that I don't second-guess. I know I like to do this, and I know I can do it well if I devote the time. Other days, I write because I feel like I should write. I write for people to read what I write. I stopped worrying about whether that was "pure" or not a long time ago.
Sometimes I write for my wife. Other times, friends, or my parents. But mostly I write for my kids. You wouldn't think that, given what appears here most of the time, but it's not meant for them to read today.
I am sometimes gripped with fear that I will die young. It's not fear of dying in and of itself that terrifies me so much as the idea that my kids will grow up not knowing who I was. That's a substantial conceit, I admit, but it's there. Some days, it's palpable. I sit here late at night writing about stupid things like my favorite muscle cars, or imagined exploits of a young George W. Bush, and my mind often wanders to my kids. Am I really writing that stuff for them? Maybe not for them, at least not all the time. But I'm often writing with the idea they will read these things someday and come to understand a part of who I was.
There is so much I need and want to say to them over the years. But my experience is that time gets away, and things you meant to say never end up coming out. My fears may not be realized; my time here may not be so short after all. But my time is also not infinite, no matter how I might delude myself into thinking it is. Pipeline is my time capsule, my open diary to them. No matter what happens to me tonight or next week or in 2023, none of this is going away. I'm getting as much down as I can while I can.
Linus and Lily, 2040: "Dad was a jackass who authored a sporadic blog of inconsistent quality for over two years."
6:13:31 PM 
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