The Candy Summit
It's nearly Halloween, and that means it's Candy Time. Of course, any time can and should be Candy Time, but among Candy enthusiasts there is no greater time of year than Halloween, and that is why the annual Candy Summit is held each year during the middle of October. I have just arrived from this year's event, my eighth consecutive Summit as an At Large delegate, and I am most anxious to tell you of the dramatic developments which have taken place in the last 24 hours.
I'll spare you the details of the first night, which included everyone travelling up the Hershey Highway. But since the convention is always in Hershey, PA, there's no other way to get there! It was the second night where the action started.
As many people know, I'm not impressed with much of today's candy. Oh sure, the industry loves to tout the sales figures, but let's get real: Candy sells itself. What the candy industry needs to sell is tradition, not all these newfangled candies that are just tired retreads of the same ingredients. Do you have any idea how many different versions of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup are on the market today? I'll name six right now: Regular, White Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, Peanut Butter Lovers, Chocolate Lovers, Peanut Butter On the Outside. That doesn't even begin to include all the various sizes and shapes of the regular formula, not to mention the tired spinoffs like the Nutrageous or the "Fast Break". Practically every major candy flagship now comes in multiple variations and packaging styles. Abomination! Candy cannot be improved upon! There are only so many elements in the CB-TOE, and this has been known for ages.
So then, I took it upon myself to call out the Lords of Candy during last night's banquet. I waited until the Coconut course, for obvious reasons, and then I slowly made my way to the podium. Just as the first snifters of marzipan sauce were being poured, I began:
Me: Lords and Ladies, Delegates, and esteemed Candy Enthusiasts, I must ask you: Why are we making all these idiotic candy combinations? Do they further the cause or nobility of candy as a food, but more importantly as a bedrock of Western...
Man Seated At Round Table Near The Door: Who the hell are you?
Me: Who am I? Is that really what's so important here? Who I am?
Different Man Seated At Different Table, But Closer To Me: (While standing up) Our new candies are good, and people buy them! What makes you God's Gift To Candy?
Me: You just watch your mouth, Lord Licorice. It's about time this industry heard it straight from the streets...
Prim and Proper Woman Wearing A Candy Necklace: (While approaching table and pointing vigorously) He's not with the program! Seize him!
Me: Gahh!
I bolted out the side door, but not before tipping a display of Sweet-Tart rolls in my wake. Nobody was chasing me, but if they had been it would have been mighty comical seeing them all stumble and fall over all those Sweet-Tarts.
I realize now I am a lone crusader, but consider this next time you stand at the candy aisle. Open your eyes, people, if not for yourselves, for your children.
8:49:24 PM 
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