Welcome to the NFL, Jake Plummer
The Seer Sees: Week 5 of the NFL
Ah, Week 5. Week 5 is when the truly elite and the truly awful teams start to seperate themselves from the pack.
The Seer enters play this week with a record of 22-19 vs. the spread, good for a 53.7% success rate. While this is a respectable record, it won't be paying any mortgages anytime soon, and is well short of the hallowed 58% goal that the Seer has committed to. But it is early, and as Robert Plant once said, yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on. When you play that backwards, Plant can actually be heard saying, "Jake Plummer's going to get his head handed to him in Arrowhead this weekend. Praise the Seer!"
Titans @ Patriots, Titans by 2
The Patriots remain a team beset with injuries on defense, and the Titans are a very physical team. I'm not sure the Pats have the talent to overcome the lack of playmakers on the defensive side of the ball at this point. The Titans, they just keep rolling along. They lost to Indy in Indy, but knowing what we seem to know about the Colts these days, maybe that's not the black mark I thought it was. I like Belichick's chances to scheme the D to shut down Eddie George, but how do you plan for McNair?
The Seer Sees: Titans cover
Bengals @ Bills, Bills by 8
Now, wait a minute-the Bengals finally break through last week, on the road, no less. The Bills, on the other hand, get outplayed two weeks in a row against Philly and Miami. And yet, the Bills get an eight point spread? If Ricky Williams can run wild on Buffalo, so can Corey Dillon. This spread makes no sense to the Seer.
The Seer Sees: Bengals beat the spread
Dolphins @ Giants, Giants by 1
You know...why not just make this a pick 'em? The Seer doesn't have a good read on the Gents yet. Played sloppy against the Rams, lost a game they shouldn't have to the Cowboys, and lost a game they shouldn't have to the Skins. The Dolphins, despite their mystery appearance in the opener against an improved Texans team, have been rolling behind Ricky Williams. For reasons the Seer does not understand...
The Seer Sees: Dolphins beat the spread
Seahawks @ Packers, Packers by 2.5
Ugh. This is a tough one. The Packers appeared to have put the ugliness of the Arizona desert behind them, but then again, they were playing a Bears squad with only one talented player, and that guy spent the entire week before the game inside a Hilton luxury suite. How good are the Seahawks, really? The beat the Saints, but now we know that ain't no great shakes. They beat the Cardinals, but everybody but the Packers can do that. They beat the Rams, but so what? But guess what? The Packers ain't what they used to be, either. More than that, the Packers just played Monday night, and the Seahawks had a full two weeks to prepare for this game and rest. And you don't think Mike Holmgren would give any special emphasis to going into Lambeau, do you?
The Seer Sees: The Seahawks beat the spread
Raiders @ Bears, Raiders by 4
They are trying to tempt us, aren't they? They know we see the pathetic, aging Raiders, and we know they are on the edge of a great abyss. They barely beat the Chargers and Bengals, and they lost to the Titans and Broncos. This ain't the same team they were last year, not even close. They know we know that. And yet, we know how awful Chicago is. Just terrible, and coming off a short week, to boot. It's a sucker bet if the Seer ever saw one. But the Seer ain't no sucker.
The Seer Sees: Raiders cover
Saints @ Panthers, Panthers by 6.5
Looks like the Panthers are starting to get their props from the betting public (and the Saints theirs, too). The Seer still cannot believe that the Saints are this bad. But with a lot of defensive starters still ailing, how do they stop Stephen Davis? Still, the Seer doesn't see the Panthers running up huge points on anybody, and the Saints still have Deuce, if they'll use him. The Saints won't win, but this is a big spread for a ball control offense.
The Seer Sees: Saints beat the spread
Vikings @ Falcons, Vikings by 4.5
This is easy money, people. The Falcons stink, and the Vikings are for real. Easy as that. The Vikings O-line will roll all day long, and it doesn't matter if it's the backup QB or RB in the game. Falcons CB Tyrone Williams is out this week, not that Randy Moss wasn't going to incinerate him anyway. But now the backup gets to take a crack at the Freak. TJ Duckett will pile up some yards on the ground for Atlanta, but only until the Falcons fall so far behind they have to throw. Believe it.
The Seer Sees: Vikings cover
Broncos @ Chiefs, Chiefs by 4
Game of the week, maybe game of the season so far. Jake Plummer's been in the NFL for a few years now; he's even been to the playoffs once. But nothing in Plummer's career will match what it will be like playing in Arrowhead this Sunday. If Plummer can step up, the Seer will certainly take notice. But Denver, despite a lot of talent on the offensive side of the ball, just doesn't have what it takes to stop this Chiefs team. But there is the matter of that spread...Four points is a large number against a 4-0 team, and these games tend to be close, down to the wire affairs. The Seer is confused by the possibilities, clouded by childhood loyalties. The Chiefs win the game, but...
The Seer Sees: Broncos beat the spread
Cardinals @ Dallas, Dallas by 7.5
Emmitt Smith's awkward homecoming. The Seer hates to see careers end this way, you know? Not that Smith (or Jordan, or Clemens, or Willie Mays, or whoever) doesn't have the right to keep playing for any team that will have him. It's totally his right. But it's just hard to see a guy who was such a tank for so long don a different jersey, by definition a shadow of his former self (otherwise his old team would still want him). The Seer roots for Emmitt Smith, despite years of hating the Cowboys. Emmitt was class. Emmitt went back and got his degree. Emmitt wasn't flash, he was all grit and getting in his own licks before he got brought down. The Seer hopes he scores a TD in Big D. The fans want that, too. You know they do. You always root for your boys, or your 'Boys, but when true heroes come back to Irving, you salute them no matter which sorry team they've cast their lot with.
Also, let it be known that the Seer is expressing a little bit of a social concern here, that this corner of the media is placing a lot of hopes onto the shoulders of Cowboys linebacker Dat Nguyen, who is, to the knowledge of the Seer, one of the only, if not the only, player of predominantly Asian descent in the NFL. The media so desperately wants to have an Asian success in the NFL these days, and the Seer just wants to be sure that Mr. Nguyen receives his just praise, which is, of course, to be the league MVP.
As for the game, don't you think 7.5 is a big spread for the Cowboys against anyone?
[CONVULSION!]
Uh...excuse me...the Seer blacked out there for a moment. We were just getting ready to pick the Cardinals, a testament to Emmitt's pure desire to put on a show in his former stomping ground, when a visage appeared before the Seer, right on the computer monitor. It was the Seer, looking back at the Seer, with words from the past: "We learned that, just as Bill Simmons counseled in his own column, picking the Cardinals on the road is a bad, bad idea." And then, the visage of the Seer lifted, and a new apparition appeared. It was Bill Simmons himself. He pointed at me, and said: "You will see Jimmy Fallon get through an "SNL" skit without cracking up before you see me taking the Cards on the road this season." And then, a third apparition: The Seer's mother and father, driving north on I-35 at this very moment, talking about John Ritter, Robert Palmer, and which riverboat casino they most enjoy, but then stopping their conversation mid-sentence to declare in unison monotone voices as they look straight ahead, "The Cardinals cannot cover on the road."
Creepy, and prescient.
The Seer Sees: Cowboys cover
Chargers @ Jaguars, Chargers by 3
Sheesh. Two 0-4 teams, but the road team gets the favorable spread. The Seer doesn't want to make this more complicated than it needs to be. The Chargers have one badass player in LaDainian Tomlinson. The Jags have none, and a rookie QB to boot. Both lost heartbreakers last week, but one lost to a bad team, and one lost to a team that went to the Super Bowl last year. 'Nuff said.
The Seer Sees: Chargers cover
Redskins @ Eagles, Eagles by 4
Guess the Eagles are back, at least in the minds of the betting public. Seems like a big spread to the Seer, considering that the 'Skins are getting it done. The Seer so badly wants to see the Black QB triumph, though. A real quandry.
The Seer Sees: Redskins beat the spread
Lions @ 49ers, 49ers by 7
Good luck on this one. The 49ers looked completely lost last week, and their secondary spontaneously combusted whenever Randy Moss was within five feet of them. Charles Rogers, hello! The Lions played the Broncos tough last week, and the Seer thinks they are a team that is on the rise. Does Mariucci get smug or sad when he sees what assclown Dennis Erickson has done with this team? Still, the 49ers can only go up after last week's ugly debacle, right? Right?
The Seer Sees: 49ers cover
Browns @ Steelers, Steelers by 7
Browns have shown the Seer nothing so far. Tim Couch is in, and that's a good thing. But where's the rest of the talent? They can't score, and that's usually a problem in the NFL.
Speaking of scoring in the NFL, is anyone watching Playmakers on ESPN? Yeah, there are some corny parts, and they try to cover Every Single Issue Known To Sports, but I have to say that I enjoy the show quite a bit. Last week's show was about how NFL players have their choice of choice women, all day, and all of the night. (Best Pickup Line? "It's 2:30. You wanna go?") But this week, it seems that one player has something to hide. He's <gasp> GAY! The show can't resist some really corny lines associated with any subplot, and each central player has a bit of a running dialogue voice-over where they talk about their Issue, whether it's getting old, having a drug problem, inadvertently paralyzing a guy, or the fact that "football is deception, but sooner or later everybody finds out what play you're running." (Hint: That's the internal dialogue of the closeted gay player.) But then you get some painful and unintentionally funny moments of dialogue like this: The team is practicing a play-action fake, and none of them can do it because they are all dragging because they were nailing supermodels the night before (or taking them to ER and dumping them off after an OD). Only the gay receiver seems to be on the ball, causing the coach to say, "Can't anybody but [closeted gay player] run a fake on this team?" Huh, huh. How ironic! The gay guy is the only one who can run the deception play! Why not just make him a tight end? Still, the show is original and unique, and there are some pretty good storylines going on. I'm not saying it's great, yet, but I think it had potential. Really, I'm just talking it up because it has some black guys in it, and as a self-styled member of the media, I really want them to do well.
Anyway...
The Seer Sees: Steelers cover
Monday Night
Colts @ Buccaneers, Buccaneers by 4.5
Another hot, hot game. And a tough one. Where are the Seer's parents on this one? Man, coach reunions abound this week, don't they? If Peyton Manning can put up another huge night against the Bucs, then he's the man. I guess the Seer's feeling is, we know the Colts can score, and now they can defend a little bit, too. We know the Bucs can defend, but can they score? The Seer has always been huge on the Bucs, but this Colts team seems more balanced. That's what you get for watching a team beat up on the sad sack Saints. Either way, tight game, and should be a great one.
The Seer Sees: Colts cover
That's it, folks. The Seer is out tomorrow for a long weekend spent with family, football, and the Twins as they take out the Yankees. Enjoy the best time of the year.
1:03:50 PM 
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