It's early in the morning, I'm still in my pajamas, I haven't had any coffee or tea yet, but I am laughing my ass off. I have stumbled across the funniest site on the Internet I've ever seen (since this one). It's a hilarious riff on those baby-name bulletin board sites. The originator of the site takes real postings and gives her snideful take on the ideas. I feel a growing kinship with this woman. Maybe she's a little more mean-spirited, but it's in the service of common sense. Here's a small example from BABY'S NAMED A BAD, BAD THING: A Primer on Parent Cruelty.
Dacoda
Follow these handy steps to naming your child:
- Step 1. Locate random state on map that, despite all efforts to the contrary, is not a name of a person.
- Step 2. Replace all consonants with similar sounds.
- Step 3. Buy lozenges. You're throat's going to get mighty sore with all the explaining and defending calling your kids Centukki and Mesheghan.
Part V: Big Chief Mucous Stink
I originally planned on naming my boy Dakota Lee, but my nephew had a baby boy two years ago and named him that.. Now I can not find a boys name. I like Dakota... but have thought about Dacoda.. since I want to use the shortened form Cody...
Well then, go ahead. There's nothing like going through life with everyone thinking your parents are totally illiterate yuppies who think owning Dances with Wolves on DVD makes them in touch with Native Americans, until one day your kids snaps and runs over your latte drinkin' , People magazine readin' ass with your own SUV. Or you could just name him "Cody" like you want to and save yourself from having to explain to the school principal how Cody happened to obtain the .45 that was found in his backpack.
Of course, it's easy to make fun on your own website where people can't talk back to you. I remember back in 1998 when I was pregnant, I went to one of those baby name bulletin boards and was just stymied by some of the names people were contemplating, especially for baby girls. One woman had a list that ran something like this:
Desiree Laine
Kaitlyn Ashley
Amber Madison
Saphire Rae
Montana Raine
I tried, tactfully, to ask her if she really wanted to burden her daughter with a name that sounded like that of a porn star. At first, she argued with me that they were just beautiful names and didn't sound pornographic at all. But finally she just gave up and said, angrily, "Well, porn stars have the best names!"
Maybe she named her next child Misty Bush, in honor of porn stars and presidents everywhere.
9:33:35 AM 
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