Free Association Memories
Here are two memories, dredged up and offered with no explanation.
A Good Memory
I am running through the halls of the Dallas Rehab Institute. I’m running like they do in the movies, shoving carts aside and not caring what anyone thinks. I’ve driven 5 hours from South Texas to see the miracle.
They say my brother speaks.
I reach the door of his room and become afraid. This is the death room. This is the room where I smelled his rancid, comatose breath. I brushed his teeth, hoping minty freshness would make it easier to sit and talk to his body. I do not like this room.
I open the door. He raises his head off the bed and makes eye contact, a miracle in itself. Then he speaks. He sounds like a deaf person, toneless and slurred.
“Hi bruhder, I’b meesd yooo."
I burst into racking sobs and stumble backwards out of the room. I cry like an insane man. People are peeking out of their rooms to see what the commotion is about. I have lost my beloved control and cannot stop crying.
A wailing spirit possesses me and will not leave for a full 45 minutes. When it does leave, I am forever changed.
My wife holds the man she has never seen cry. She pats me awkwardly, nodding assurances to concerned onlookers and wondering what our life will be like from now on.
A Bad Memory
I am overcome by depression on a family vacation. I am on the floor of the bedroom, rocking back and forth with my face in my hands. This has never happened before, and I can’t figure out why everything seems terrible to me.
I’ve wasted my life. I’ve let everyone down. I’m going to end up like my mother. My wife will have to take care of me. Everyone will be so disappointed. We’re not going to have any money. My children will hate me for letting them down.
My wife shoos the kids outside and leaves me alone. She is scared, and I hate that I am doing this to them.
What I think and feel is beyond words. The voices of despair and cruelty are talking at the same time. It sounds something like this:
I can’t find the emotional energy to get started thinking about conceiving of a way to understand what I might be feeling and you have no right to act this way you lazy, fucking asshole.
I want sleep. Sleep makes all go away.
4:06:20 PM 
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