A Seminary Memory
I say to you, tax collectors and prostitutes are pouring into the Kingdom of
God ahead of you.
–Jesus Christ
Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary
Fort Worth, Texas
Mid 1980s
Old Testament Survey
So we see in Second Kings chapter two that Elisha has taken the mantle of prophecy from Elijah and has asked for a double portion of his spirit.
Yes?
Um, Dr. Hockley, I'm a little confused and bothered by the passage further down in chapter two, like around verse 23?
Yes.
Well, I mean Elisha has asked for Elijah's spirit, presumably the very Spirit of God, and yet he curses these boys who tease him for being bald. And then bears maul them. You know, maul the little boys.
[Looks Around]
Is anyone else bothered by this?
Yes, indeed. It is a difficult passage. I would say that this is an embedded Wisdom story. That is to say that the account is a quasi-historical snippet of tradition that serves a function much like classic Hebrew Wisdom Literature. In this case the warning seems to be that we should take caution when teasing God's anointed.*
Later that day in the library
Hey man, what's goin on?
Nothin much. Whatchew doin?
Nothin. Whatcha have this morning?
Ahh, Old Testament. It SUCKED. I swear Hockley is driving me out of my mind. You wouldn't believe what he said today.
Mmm. Whatcha readin?
Satanic Bible.
No shit! Where you get it?
Right here, man. This is one of the largest theological libraries in the world. They have everything.
Yeah? How is it? Juicy?
Nah. LaVey’s surprisingly dull. You’d expect something seriously “out there” if you’re gonna call it “The Satanic Bible,” but… Hey, tell me about how you decided to come to seminary again. You know, about the cab driving and all that.
Are you kidding me? I’ve told you a hundred times.
Yeah yeah yeah, but tell it again. C’mon, I need a good story. You’ve no idea.
All right. Okay. I was a cabbie, right? In New York City. Hell, I had no idea WHAT I was doin. I got a job driving a cab like the first week I was in town. I had to ask people where to go and everything. It was horrible, but eventually I figured it out. Don't do that, by the way.
Do what?
If you ever go to New York, do not drive a cab. It was a crappy experience. I mean it was good in some ways, but basically crappy.
I probly won't ever…
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, so I'm drivin around everywhere, right? And I have all this time, and I start thinking about the church and Christ and all that. So I thought maybe I would just give Christianity a try. You know, like really try it and all. Go to church and all that. So I did. I got a bible and started going to all these churches and talking to all these priests and shit. And I could tell there was something there, right? I knew there was something seriously important behind all this, but I couldn't get any good answers from anyone. Or at least I didn’t THINK they were good answers. So I thought, “Hell, why not go to seminary? The fuck I got to…” Oh, s'cuse my language. Shit!
I don't care.
Oh yeah, I always forget who I'm talkin to. Okay. So I think, “The fuck I got to do with my life anyway? I’m drivin a cab, for chrisake.” So I have this uncle who lives in Texas by this huge seminary, and he says, “C’mon down,” so here I am.
That is, like, the most amazing thing I've ever heard. No one goes to seminary like that, man. No one. You know, people go to seminary because that's what you have to do to be a minister. I never met anyone who just WENT to seminary, just to LEARN and all.
Yeah? Well, I might end up a minister. We'll see. Anyway, here I be.
Oh! Tell me about the restroom on the first day. You know.
Again? Okay. It's my first day on campus, and I don't EVEN know what's goin on. I've never seen anything like this. Bibles everywhere. People prayin and shit. So I go into the restroom and I'm pissin, right? And I'm staring at the wall because there's this tiny little graffiti written in the grout between two tiles. It just said, “Jesus.” That's it. Nothin else. No graffiti anywhere except that. So I flush and I'm thinkin, “Jesus what?” when the urinal overflows and spills all over my shoes. So I jump back and yell, "Shit!" Then a stall door opens and this dumbass is looking at me like I'm the anti-Christ or somethin. See, I don't know that people don't say “shit” in seminary. I don't know that yet. And he's eyeballin me, which you don't really do where I come from, so I say, "The fuck you lookin at?"
You said that to him?
Yeah man, but I said it nice. I mean, kinda SOFT, like I didn’t mean anything. Anyway, this guy hit the door runnin and never looked back. I stuck my head out the door, and he was runnin with his backpack bouncing all over the place. And I yelled, “Hey! Hey!” but he didn't stop. I just wanted to know what happened, you know? I just wanted to know what I'd done. I didn’t know ANYthing about this place.
Anyway, I figured out later that you’re not supposed to say stuff like that. Like I said, I had NO idea.
That is priceless. I am SO glad you're here. You know that?
Yeah? Okay. Very cool. So whadyuh wanna do?
Larry and I are goin to the Back Porch for potato soup and zuni bread. Why don't you call J and meet us there.
What the hell is ZUNI bread?
I don’t know man; it’s this bread they serve. It’s good though.
Jesus, I’m never gonna get used to things down here.
Yeah? Well, don't. Don't get too used to things around here. I think maybe you not fitting in is a good thing.
rlp
D and J, If by some miracle, you happen to read this story and recognize D, send me an email. Losing touch with you two after seminary was one of the dumbest things we ever did.
*Actual Lecture
8:46:24 AM 
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