The Anonymity Conversations
Two
Here’s an interesting thing to note before I begin. I was shot through with fear last night after writing as myself. I felt very insecure about it.
For one thing, I pulled back the curtain a little bit to reveal the man behind RLP. I felt insecure because I know that most people don't want to know me. I think people want their illusions and writers are mostly illusion. When you read their words, you read a flattened, incomplete version of the writer. It may be that the less complex version you read is beautiful. Who wants to drop beauty for someone real? We deal with real people all the time. Who needs another one, right?
Anyway, I learned some things about myself. I’m a little intimidated by Real Live Preacher. I wish I were as brave as he is. I don’t talk about my feelings so much in real life. I think Real Live Preacher has been a good thing for me. He is the voice that was locked inside my fears. I think my friends and family know me better, and that's always a good and beautiful thing.
Real Live Preacher keeps me from hiding so much.
And that leads me to what I want to say today. I don’t want Real Live Preacher ever to go away. I need him, you see. He says all the things I want to say, and he takes the time he needs to say them well. He’s very careful, but brave. Funny too.
As I see it there are only two options.
One
I keep things the way they are. I write the book and just let Real Live Preacher be my name? Why not? It seems to be working. Some of you have mentioned maintaining my privacy. That’s already crumbling, and I don’t really care about that anyway. More on that tomorrow, or maybe even tonight.
The point is, why would anyone want to know the man behind Real Live Preacher? People don’t. And that’s understandable. It is. I don’t really want to know the real Annie Dillard or the real Anne Lamott. It takes time and commitment to know someone.
So maybe it’s better just to leave things the way they are.
Two
I go ahead and sign my name to the book. “Real Live Preacher” by [my name here].
BUT…
And this is a very important “BUT.”
But I never use my name on the blog. I always write the blog with the voice of Real Live Preacher, which is my writing voice. It’s the only way I know how to write. My name never appears on the blog. And, since the book is a collection of essays, it is also written as Real Live Preacher.
You just know the name of the guy behind it all. Yeah, maybe there’s a photo and some guy’s name, but that’s it.
And it would be like magic. I could stop hiding, which has always felt strange to me. I’m not used to it. I don’t like it. A secret identity is a burden. I could write about my town and stop making up fake names for places, like I did for “Apache Peak.”
I could stop using f-ing Hotmail! I could stop having to worry about how I sign my name at the end of an email. I replied to over a thousand emails last year. I don’t THINK I ever forgot and signed my real name.
But that kind of secrecy takes work and energy and commitment, and for what? For a secret identity? There is a finite amount of creative energy inside a person. It's wise to choose how you use it.
So there it is. Two options as I see it. And one certainty. Whatever happens, Real Live Preacher isn’t going to go away.
Finally:
This is to those of you who wrote me last year and poured out your hearts to Real Live Preacher. You needed him to be real. He is. He's as real as anyone. He's just a braver version of me. Whatever happens, you can still write me.
I plan to answer every email unless the day comes when I just cannot do it. And if you like, I'll keep signing them the same way - rlp.
8:14:18 AM 
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