My Epic Struggle with a Raccoon Continues
part one part two
The Fourth Night
From the very beginning, the main problem with the raccoon was the noise. It’s impossible to sleep when a large animal is living inside your bedroom wall, bumping, chewing, scratching, and, in this case, having babies. Raccoons being nocturnal, I was being awakened at all times of the night by this critter.
In fact, I want to claim that sleep deprivation had something to do with the crazed night on the roof that I described in part two. My wife doesn’t buy that, but perhaps you will.
What I’m trying to say is this raccoon had been a thorn in my side for a solid week. So I was very happy to hear what the Wildlife Rescue woman had to say.
“You can’t force her out, but you can convince her to leave by making your chimney a very unpleasant place for her to live. Raccoons frequently move their young to another den if they don’t feel safe.”
This idea was beginning to interest me.
“What I want you to do is get a couple of sheets and tie them together. Soak the whole thing in ammonia and dangle it down the chimney. Raccoons HATE the smell of ammonia. Then I want you to get a radio, put it in your fireplace, and blast her with loud, irritating music all day long while she’s trying to sleep. You could also toss in some mothballs and dangle a flashlight in there. They like their dens to be dark.”
“Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You’re telling me to irritate the hell out of this raccoon when she’s trying to sleep?”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you. Raccoons like a quiet, peaceful den. I want you to make your chimney the last place on the earth she would want to be.”
“Beautiful!”
“Hopefully, after a few days, she’ll decide this den isn’t what she wants, and she’ll move the babies to another location. After she’s gone, you can seal up the holes. She won’t come back. She won’t be motivated to go to this much trouble to get in your chimney when she doesn’t have babies.”
“How long will this take?”
“Well, it’s not a sure thing. It might take 3 or 4 days before she finally leaves. If the babies are very young, she won’t be able to move them right away. The good news is, raccoons always vacate the den with their babies after two or three weeks anyway. So even if this doesn't work, she’ll be gone pretty soon. Seal up the hole with paper. When the paper remains undisturbed for 4 or 5 days in a row, you’ll know they're gone.”
This changed everything. First, I wasn’t as irritated at the raccoon since I found out she had babies. Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted her out, but at least I’m wasn’t talking about buying a rifle.
And it was going to be my turn to make HER life a living hell. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it.
I ripped a sheet in half and made a long rope out of it, like the kind of thing they use in the movies to escape from prisons. I soaked the whole thing in ammonia and lowered it down the hollow space in the wooden chimney, just like she told me to. I tied the top end to a large stick to prevent it from falling down the hole.
Then I borrowed my oldest daughter’s jam box and considered what music would be most appropriate. Being from Texas, I thought a little ZZ Top might be just the thing, so I put “La Grange” on and cranked it up till the chimney was shaking.
Oh yeah.
Then I set the radio for our local classic rock station. When I left that morning the raccoon family was getting a heavy dose of “The Who.”
That night I heard momma raccoon creeping down the chimney after a long night of foraging. But something was different. It didn’t bother me that much. I just smiled and went back to sleep.
The next day I decided to take it up a notch, so I turned the station to “K-Milk,” or whatever they call the local contemporary Christian music station.
"All sweet, all Jesus, all the time."
I could hardly stay in the room myself. I figured the raccoon would be gone by noon. Let me give you a hint. If it has the word “Christian” in it, it probably sucks.
Christian music - Christian t-shirts - Christian theme parks - Christian movies - Christian fiction. With very few exceptions, I hate all that crap.
The Present Situation
So here’s where we stand. The raccoon is still there as of tonight. I taped paper over her hole, and when I checked it this evening, it was broken. So I’m going to keep the ammonia and the Jesus music going strong. I dumped an entire box of mothballs in there today, and tomorrow I'm going to dangle a flashlight in there with a rope.
But the funny thing is, after all this, I don’t care as much. I really don’t mind the raccoon being in there. The raccoon expert says she has to leave eventually to teach her young to hunt and fish, so I know she’ll be gone pretty soon.
But I would like her to remember that my chimney was the worst place she ever called home.
I'll keep you posted.
rlp
10:49:22 PM 
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