Some Stuff in My Life
This is one of those times when I need to think of you as roughly fifty people.
What’s happening with the book:
I’ve tried not to talk about the book very much here. I wrote some stuff and someone is putting some of it in a book. What more can I say about it?
See how I am? I tend to downplay the book because I’m scared about it. I don’t know what will happen to my life. Probably nothing, but fear is often irrational.
I’m trying to process my feelings. I’m trying to understand why I don’t want to talk about the book at all. There are people at our church who know nothing about Real Live Preacher or the book or any of it. And this is a small church. I hope they don't feel bad when the book comes out and I never said anything to them. People usually tell their friends if something important is happening in their life, like if they've written a book. But I don't want to say anything at church about the blog or the book.
Maybe what's got me scared is that I'm losing my sense of where I end and where Real Live Preacher begins. That probably doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure that I even understand what I mean when I say that.
I feel this whole Real Live Preacher thing is changing me. I think I'm becoming more like Real Live Preacher in my real life. I think my preaching has changed a little. I don't know what I'm talking about. I need to think some more about this. I'm very disoriented right now. I think I used to have a good sense of the boundary between me and rlp. Maybe I never did.
But I should say something about the book because I’ve gotten a few emails from people saying, “Hey, what’s up with the book?”
Okay, there were some delays. Originally the book was to be available at the end of August. Now it looks like the end of September. Eerdmans has promised that several cases of "RealLivePreacher.com" will be delivered to Viva bookstore in San Antonio in time for the book signing party at the store on Sunday, October 3rd. If you bought an advance copy through Viva, they'll ship them that next week. I don't know when Amazon.com or other places will get them. I don't know anything about how all that works.
The book signing party thing. Yeah. That makes me uncomfortable as hell, but the truth is my friends are happy for me, so we’ll gather and have tamales and yes, I’ll sign a book if someone wants that. Some of the people from my church who have "appeared" in various stories I've written will be there if you want to meet them. "Stan and Carol" will be there and some other people from the stories. Maybe I'll make them special nametags. It should be fun. We're having tamales from the restaurant in town that I wrote about once.
You’re invited, by the way. Most of you live too far away to attend, but you’re invited anyway. If you find yourself anywhere near San Antonio on October the 3rd, go to Viva books between 3 and 6 pm. I'll be there. You'll be there. We'll meet. Very nice.
The following day (Monday, October 4th) there will be a virtual party or book signing or whatever at Viva. Stan, who is a computer guy, is setting up a chat room and a live video feed. I’ll be hanging out at viva during the day. On that day if you go to RealLivePreacher.com, you’ll be able to chat with me and look at my goofy face if you want.
Man, just writing about the book and the book signing party is depressing. You probably shouldn't listen to me. It's Sunday night, and I'm not myself. My guard is down and my depression is up. I shouldn't blog on Sunday nights. Sunday nights are when I wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life. How did I end up responsible for a whole church? And don't get all psychological and wise and tell me I'm not responsible for anyone. Sure I am. The shepherd has responsibilities. The shepherd has to look out for everyone. The shepherd has to worry about everyone's feelings. The shepherd has to care, even about the people he hardly knows who show up at church.
And mostly I do care. Mostly. Then night comes and I'm empty. Like tonight. I'm done. I wonder how I'll care about everyone again in the morning? Fuck it, I always do.
Oh, crap! How many emails will I get because I said the F-word again? Attention Christian people. It's just a word, okay? Just some sounds that convey a lot of emotion. If you feel compelled to email me and ask how I can possibly call myself a minister and use language like that, go ahead, but I'll probably just save your email in my "goofy" folder and never write back. Nothing personal. I'm just out of energy.
Real Live Preacher doesn't have to care if he doesn't want to. He can just write stuff and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe the problem lies with the whole " to care or not to care " issue that lies at the heart of being the pastor of a church.
To Care or Not To Care. That truly is the question.
How can you be paid to care? How can you care beyond your capacity as a human to care? It must be God or else I'm insane because somehow I always care in the morning.
Okay, it's time for me to talk about something else.
Today at Church:
It finally happened. Four people showed up at our church because of Real Live Preacher. These people from Dallas were in New Braunfels, which is only about twenty miles from our church, and they decided to drop in for the service.
I wondered how it would feel if this happened. Now I know. It felt like people visiting our church, that’s all.
I said, “I’m Gordon here. Real Live Preacher is my writing voice, but I’m just Gordon in this real live community.” I told them that I never talk about the blog at church. They were fine with that, and it was nice having them visit. Nice, but a little strange.
Strange days for rlp.
10:23:15 PM 
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