Here Comes The Rain Again

I'm not going to clean this up much, so however it sounds it how it sounds.

Tonight I wish it was like the old days with Real Live Preacher, back when I was anonymous and no one in my church knew about this blog. For some reason this is where I want to come when I’m sad. I want to come here and write. I think of Real Live Preacher as a place. I know that’s a little strange. The blog software comes on the screen and I feel like I’ve left my life behind. I feel like I’m the one that matters here. My feelings matter. What I need matters.

Only it’s not the old days. And I have to be careful in what I write. Not because I might hurt someone at the church, but because I have to be careful that I don’t use this blog as a backwards and roundabout way of sending messages to my church family. That’s a real temptation. It’s the sort of thing you could do without thinking much about it. It wouldn’t be healthy either.

So I can’t share details about what’s going on. But it’s 4:30 am and my stomach is in knots of grief.

Someone in our community has been hurt. Not physically, but emotionally wounded. However unintentional, I had a part in that wounding. It’s the kind of wound that is old and even a small thing can stir up that old pain. I’m unsure of how much this person will still want to be a part of our community, and that is a sorrow so intense that I’m not sleeping well tonight. I am devastated by this surprising turn of events.

I hate what is happening at our church right now. I hate this thing I can’t really talk about. I hate it and I had something to do with creating it. I never saw it coming.

So okay. That’s the deal.

One week ago I went to an Annie Lennox concert with some friends from church. It had been a long time since I had allowed myself to sit still and enjoy music. I closed my eyes and remembered that we need to play in this life. We need to set aside all of our cares and enjoy the present moment. And I did enjoy being present in that moment and leaving all other moments behind.

Some of her poetic lyrics stuck in my mind that night. Especially the song, “Here comes the rain again,” with its very poignant question, “Is it raining with you?”

Yes, it’s raining with me.

And this is where I am turning. To Real Live Preacher. I hope he’ll be here for me tonight.

I was already on the edge and now I’ve slipped over into deep sadness and grief. Grief sucks as a general rule, but it’s worse when you are facing a lot. And I’m facing a lot this weekend. Saturday morning I’m driving eight hours round trip to visit a cousin of mine in prison. That’s always a hard day, but that night we also have a baptism service. Jeanene and I are friends with a couple who have become Christians and joined our community of faith. They will be baptized in their own pool Saturday night along with some children in the church who are old enough to make that decision.

I have to be ready to celebrate that event with our friends. I am their minister. They need the best I have on Saturday night.

The sermon is coming Sunday morning along with the whole Sunday morning thing. I am the minister. I must be ready. I preach with a simple outline and no pulpit. I don’t like things in between me and my friends. A good bit of that preaching event depends on me being emotionally present in that moment. I’ll be ready, but becoming ready to preach when I am in such a low place is something that I can’t really describe. One thing is for sure. There will be depression and depletion on the other side of that event.

I have learned to fear depression. I don’t like knowing it’s coming.

However skewed and illusionary this is, I feel like this is the only place where I matter right now. I have three children. They have to be cared for, fed, driven to school, all that. How I feel in the moment isn’t an issue when it comes to children. At church everyone else comes first. Please don’t write me to tell me that’s wrong, or it shouldn’t be that way, or I’m out of my mind. I’m not asking you to educate me. This is my reality. This is how I see it.

I’m the shepherd. That’s the deal. I always have to think of how things are affecting people in the church. All of them. They come first.

When I pray and when I write for Real Live Preacher, I’m the one that gets taken care of.

Only I haven’t been praying much lately, and I guess I’d like to talk about that. I am in and out with praying. I’m not prescribing that as a method or saying it’s good or bad. It’s just the truth. I tend to go through times when I don’t pray for whatever reasons. Bad reasons I’m sure.

Whatever you think about God and religion and the bible and praying, I’m here to tell you that prayer is powerful. When I am in the practice of sitting and listening and humbly sharing my heart with the Creator, that is a time when I matter and I am released from whatever legitimate calling or silly enmeshment is preventing me from taking care of myself. I find wisdom and direction in that discipline, and it is only because of my own weakness and silliness that I abandon prayer.

I'm a sinner. That's what we mean when we say that. What I know is right and good I abandon for things that are not right and not good. There are lessons I still have not learned.

So tonight, there is only Real Live Preacher for me. I remember now that’s why I started writing here in the first place. I remember those old days when no one knew me and tossing my passion into the void of the Internet felt like casting my bread on the waters.

Do you think God might consider Real Live Preacher one big prayer from me? Even the cussing and the weakness and when I am skewed and crazy? Maybe God will consider what I’m writing tonight as a prayer. I like thinking that could be true.

It’s 5:20 am and I feel better. Thanks for listening, whoever you are.

I feel I should tell you that I probably will not write for a while. I don’t know, maybe some things like this, but no serious writing. I know that some of you come by here a lot to see if I’ve posted anything. And that makes me feel somewhat responsible to let you know if I’m not going to be writing. (Jesus, is there ANYTHING I won’t take responsibility for?)

Yeah, no serious essays for awhile. It feels good to let go of that burden. Normally I like the motivation that comes with the drive to post things here. I don’t question it because I need it. It makes me work at writing and whatever gets you working is good. I don’t want to lose that motivation, but I’m going to set it aside for a time.

I may not respond to emails or comments much either. Or I might. What do I know? It's freakin 5:30 am in the morning! Who knows what I'll do tomorrow, really. But I need to experience this sadness and engage the real people in my life. I need to deal with this relationship grief straight up and in person. I need to do that. I need to walk the path of this weekend and see where it leads me.

It’s raining with me, but there is always an end to the storm. I keep telling myself that.

© Copyright 2005 Preacher. Last update: 7/17/2005; 8:24:20 PM. Links