Survivor 7 – Pearl Islands contestants, nicknames, and how I expect them to behave.
Lillian – “Mama Scoutmaster, Sir”. She’ll make everyone take the boy scout oath every day, and will root out the homosexuals.
Michelle – “Go Tribe!”. Plans to trip over her own feet when cheering her tribe to victory – from the sidelines with a bad foot or something.
Jon – “Drunken Slut”. Plans to sleep with the other contestants in order to get ahead. Thinks that this will get the girls to like him.
Burton – “Gameboy” He will help Ryan O get the juice going so that he can build Pong from scratch. The others will not be amused.
Darrah – “Morticia”. Because she is a mortician. God, I hope no one speaks Italian!
Andrew – “Lawyer Boy”. Richard Hatch in disguise. Look for him to subtly boss everyone around, and argue his way out of doing any of the difficult chores so that he can “spend time trying to think of ways to better the tribe”.
Ryan O – “Jolt”. The tribes will like him because he will build an electrical power plant so they can watch Big Brother.
Nicole – “Touch Me”. She’s gonna win this thing – who would boot off the masseuse??
Christa – “Speed Freak”. If she’s able to sneak her beloved crystal meth on the show, she’ll be talkative, hyper, and impatient. If not, she’ll be irritable and as jittery as a Starbucks barista.
Tijuana – “Dealer”. Could be very popular with the likes of Ryan S and Christa, if she was able to smuggle any “samples” from the pharmaceutical company she used to work for.
Rupert – “Boner”. This guy looks like a pirate, but he used to be a gravedigger. Sounds like he and Darrah should get along just fine.
Trish – “Goner”. She calls herself a “born leader, and a gifted problem-solver”. Another good nickname for her would be “Target”.
Sandra – “Camo”. Another one of those that you never see. Even the army couldn’t figure out what to do with her. What the heck is a “chemical repair specialist” anyway, and how does such a person move UP from that to “senior office associate” in the military?
Osten – “Boston Osten”. Since money has no meaning on the islands, his stint on Wall Street will be blamed for the dot-com implosion.
Ryan S – “Acidiot”. Could have been fun on acid, a la Greg with his coconut phone and Sean with Superpole 2000. But instead, when he and his friends are tripping on acid, they can’t think of anything fun to do.
Shawn - “Silas”. Creepy glad-handing dude that only the stupid will align with.
4:07:42 PM 
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