Nostradumbus’ Predictions for 2003
Bill Gates will stop referring to his first child as IPO.
The Department of Homeland Security will issue warnings about terrorist attacks everytime Dubya’s numbers start to slip in the polls.
Trent Lott will be named to fill the first (physical) vacancy on the Supreme Court.
Britney Spears and J Lo will do absolutely nothing newsworthy during the entire year. They’ll be all over the media in spite of that.
It will be revealed that Ronald Reagan suffered from Alzheimer’s before he was elected to the presidency. His popularity will increase.
A new law will be passed by the City of Seattle allowing people to list their cars as their primary place of residence. A new zip code will have to be created to accommodate them.
Al Gore will write a book featuring his best humorous speeches. It will be called Mirth In The Balance, and will be two pages long.
Hugh Grant will star in a movie about his adventures with alcoholism. It will be called Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind.
Microsoft will be sued by Olivetti for rendering typewriters obsolete. Microsoft will respond by including a typewriter with all future editions of Windows.
Two economists will agree on something…where to have lunch.
The New York Stock Exchange will try a new marketing approach. It will rename itself “The Wall Street Casino” and offer free drinks, a dinner buffet and an entertainment lounge featuring Wayne Newton.
A class action suit will be filed against Burger King by millions of consumers who claim that the onions in the popular “Whopper” made their breath smell bad. They’ll win.
Insurance companies will begin writing “Cookie Jar” policies protecting corporate executives who practice creative accounting. The only catch? You have to get caught.
UN weapons inspectors in Iraq will uncover a huge secret stash of instruction manuals for computer software. The US will immediately declare war, accusing the Iraqis of concealing weapons of mass confusion.
Fox will produce a new reality television show called “Welfare Reform.” Contestants will be thrown onto the streets of a major city with only a shopping cart, some cardboard and a Magic Marker. The first person to write legibly, “You want fries with that?” gets a minimum wage job with no benefits.
The Montreal Expos will find baseball success by creating uniforms for their players that reveal the athlete’s buttocks. They will then become known as The Montreal Expose. Bud Selig, worried about owners’ liability for frostbite, will move the franchise to south Florida where it will be known as Moons Over Miami.
The Barbaric Yawp hopes that you will find more to laugh about than cry about in 2003. Pogo Possum said it best: “Don’t take life so serious, son. It ain’t nohow permanent.”
3:59:27 PM 
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