Behind the curtain
Whether it’s a Broadway spectacle or an elementary school pageant, the production you see onstage involves the same sort of logistics as were required for building the pyramids. A modern stage production, however, tends to be somewhat more complex. The amount of design work is daunting: costumes, makeup, sound, lighting, sets, props. It requires a battalion of technical experts and a director who is an organizational wizard. Everything has to happen in the right place at the right time or the whole effect is spoiled.
“Call” is about 90 minutes before curtain time. God help the poor actor who is late for call. Stage managers are fascists by nature and have very little tolerance for the lackadaisical ways of thespians. During those 90 minutes, the actors put on makeup, check their costumes and props, and try to focus on the play rather than the day job they just left.
Warmups are a vital part of the routine. It starts with physical stretching and breathing exercises, leading to vocal warm-ups. Vocal warm-ups can often sound like a cat with its tail caught in a Cuisinart, but they are designed to enable the actors to project their voices as necessary and bring out vocal nuances in their characters.
There are some fairly revolting exercises for loosening up the tongue and often a series of tongue twisters that emphasize enunciation. Want to try a few?
“The big blue bug bit the big black bear and the big black bear bled black blood.”
“I slit the sheets; the sheets I slit. Upon the slitted sheets I sit.” (Careful!)
“Stanislavsky’s little sister was a syphilitic thistle sifter.”
Once the actors have sprayed saliva all over each other, there will usually be a brief game demanding both mental agility and verbal dexterity. Get a half dozen or more people together and try this one if you want to create some hilarity at your next party.
The first person looks to his or her right and says, “fuzzy duck.” The phrase gets passed around until someone reverses the process by saying, “does he?” The phrase then gets changed to “ducky fuzz” and goes around the opposite direction until someone once again reverses the circle by saying, “does he?” It should be done as quickly as possible and I guarantee some interesting variations on the phrases.
Then the actors go into their various routines to prepare for battle. These routines are as wildly divergent as the actors in the play and are adhered to with religious fervor. The theatre is fraught with superstition and that plays a big role in the pre-curtain routines. During this time, the stage manager or one of his flunkies will give periodic time checks: “Fifteen to places.” Superstition dictates that you will give a skanky performance if you don’t respond, “Thank you, fifteen.”
My own routine involves pacing around backstage like a caged tiger and going over lines in my head. Even Der Führer, the stage manager, dares not interrupt these routines with anything other than time checks.
Finally, “places” is called, the lights go up and we’re off on an enterprise that is at least as magical as the Star Trek transporter. We’ll take you someplace you’ve never been and leave you wondering how two or three hours passed so quickly. If we do it well, reward us with your applause. But remember that you’re also rewarding dozens of people you’ll never see. Without that gaggle of geniuses behind the scenes, no show would ever happen.
With any luck, these backstage blatherings will increase your enjoyment of live theatre. Part of that enjoyment, I hope, lies in some appreciation of all the labor that begins when some fool says, “Let’s put on a show!”
10:17:38 PM 
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