Harry Potter can’t hit the forkball
Since I’ve already been accused of being a Googleslut for mentioning the kid wizard in the last post, I might as well milk it for all its worth. It hasn’t affected my hit count much, which means that every blogger west of the Pecos is probably trying the same sleazy tactic.
I’m also going to mention Strom Thurmond. My friend at doublethink is obviously too much of a gentle soul to really say what many of us are thinking. I’m not. Thank God the randy old bastard is dead. I hope his hate-filled little soul roasts forever in a lower circle of hell than Dante ever imagined. No doubt the women in our nation’s capital will also silently cheer his passing. If even a small fraction of the stories about his lechery are true, he probably could have made Bill Clinton blush. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Now, on to more important things. Like baseball. Yesterday’s book review was merely a digression. What I really want to talk about is the Mariners. Having suffered through their many lean years, it is only fitting that I can now sing their praises. This is a team that has averaged 100 wins for the past three years and has set attendance records in a town that was once written off as a baseball graveyard.
The northwest is just like the rest of America. We love winners. We love Bill Gates and Microsoft, but with some reservations. No such reservations apply to the Mariners. We can enjoy their success without any nagging doubts about questionable business practices. The fact that the team continues to flip off those elitist right coast sportswriters makes their accomplishments that much more satisfying.
The Mariners inhabit the American League West, arguably the most competitive division in baseball. It is home to last year’s world champion Anaheim Angels as well as the quirky and dangerous Oakland Athletics. It is also home to the Texas Rangers where former Mariner Alex Rodriguez went so that he could be a part of a winning franchise. At least that’s what he said when he tried to deny that money influenced his decision. Hell, somebody has to be the perennial basement dweller in the division. Who better than Texas?
After refusing to renew the contract of Ivan Rodriguez, perhaps the best catcher the game has ever seen, the Rangers have made it clear that winning is not high on their agenda. Rumor has it that they’re now trying to unload the big salaries of stars like Juan Gonzalez and Rafael Palmeiro. If they can’t win with personnel like that, they might as well save their money.
Who would have guessed that the Angels would have spent most of this season firmly in possession of third place? That was where the Mariners ended up last year despite winning 93 games. Wussies need not apply for membership in the AL West. If wins were calculated based on the total weight of the team, the Angels would be far out in front. They give a new meaning to the term heavy hitters.
There are some serious indications that the Mariners may take a run at their record tying 116-win season two years ago. They were the first team in the majors to record 50 wins this year and seem to be picking up speed as the season progresses. They recently took two games out of three from the Atlanta Braves in what was widely touted as a preview of this year’s World Series. That remains to be seen. The Mariners have yet to prove that they can survive the post-season competition.
The so-called Ancient Mariners are leading the way. Middle age seems to be agreeing with 40-year-old Jamie Moyer. Despite a fastball that wouldn’t get a ticket on the Interstate and a changeup that is slower than Edgar Martinez, he continues to make the best hitters in the league look like rank amateurs by the simple expedient of outthinking them.
Edgar, of course, owns the designated hitter category. He is also in his 40th year. His oft-injured legs result in a running game that is often painful to watch. But if you hit it hard and hit it where they ain’t, as Edgar does, you don’t need to run very fast. Edgar esta caliente.
Ichiro, the Zen Master of baseball, had me worried early in the season. It seemed as if the opposing pitchers had figured out how to get him out. It was a short-lived victory. After batting well under .300 in April, Ichiro woke up and batted well over .400 in both May and June. His average is now comfortably near .350, good enough for second in the league. He leads the majors in hits, on base percentage, and is second in steals. Right field is justifiably known as “Area 51.” Balls hit in that area disappear, never to be seen again. Nobody, but nobody, dares test the arm that has mowed down reckless base runners like a well-honed scythe.
His defense is impenetrable and sets the standard for the best defensive team on the planet. The outfield is often described as consisting of three center fielders. Ichiro in right, Mike Cameron in center, and Randy Winn in left all have the range and deadly instincts of an Air Force top gun. Hitters can’t even count on belting it over the wall. These aerial acrobats have taken away more home runs than some teams hit in a season.
After a disappointing offensive year in 2002, second baseman Bret Boone is back in form. He never let his batting heebie-jeebies interfere with his gold glove at second base and his offensive stats have returned with a vengeance. He has gone Ka-Boone 22 times this year with commensurate RBIs. Opposing teams must hate his arrogant bat-flip when he knows he has jacked another one out of the yard.
John Olerud continues to be the quiet man of baseball. He is unquestionably the best defensive first baseman in the majors and steadily hits close to .300 without ever seeming to break a sweat.
It didn’t take long for Carlos Guillen to make Mariners fans forget about A-Rod. He may not have the preternatural talents of his predecessor, but he has become the cornerstone of that league-leading defense and has also become a much improved hitter from both sides of the plate.
The aforementioned Mike Cameron has an ongoing battle with Minnesota’s Torii Hunter for preeminence in the weekly highlight films. The have both robbed each other of home runs with their feats of levitation. Mike has also relinquished the dubious distinction of being the leading strikeout victim in the league and is batting a respectable .275. Most Mariners fans have long since forgotten Junior Griffey, Cameron’s predecessor.
Jeff Cirillo continues to be a disappointment in the batters box, but doesn’t let that interfere with his defense. If he ever regains the skills that gained him a .300 lifetime batting average before coming to Safeco Field, he will be a force to contend with.
The starting pitchers, led by the crafty Moyer, regularly go into the sixth or seventh inning and are backed up by the most formidable bullpen ever assembled. Legendary closer Kazuhiro Sasaki has been hobbled by injuries most of the season, but the bullpen hasn’t even hiccupped. Kazu’s countryman Shigetosi Hasegawa boasts an ERA under 1.00. Fireballers Arthur Rhodes and Jeff Nelson have picked up the slack and are posting saves like they were to the manner born.
There is no doubt that the Mariners are for real. They lead second place Oakland by seven games and the world champion Angels by thirteen going into the All-Star break. If they can stay healthy and overcome their post-season yips, they are a lock for their first series title. This is a team whose time has come.
Now that I have gotten that out of my system, I promise not to write about baseball any more until the Mariners do something else improbable. That should give me a week or so to deal with other pressing issues.
2:25:12 AM 
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