True confessions: the sequel
Last night's pity party served a useful purpose. It helped me focus my thoughts so that when I went to see my good friend Dr. Joseph Lenz today I was able to articulate my situation. Joseph has been a close friend ever since we shared the stage five years ago at the Bellingham Theatre Guild in a production of Rough Crossing. I knew that he was the right person to turn to for help because we wouldn't have to waste a lot of time building trust.
I made a rather futile stab at writing the magazine today, but couldn't concentrate for more than about five minutes. I called Joseph and he immediately cleared his schedule to work me in. We spent two hours this afternoon going over the sordid details. The good news is that I am not suffering from severe depression. The bad news is that I am suffering from mild depression coupled with severe burnout.
In trying to turn the magazine around from being a public relations forum for local businesses, I have expanded our coverage to the point where our table of contents has gone from one page to two. This has resulted in a lot of amazement from the business community. They can't believe that I can keep up that kind of productivity month after month. The simple answer is that I can't.
It's a two person editorial department. Tom, my assistant, is a wizard, but he is confined to a wheelchair by a debilitating disease. I have to do all the legwork. I interview 40-50 people a month and write upwards of 20,000 words. That's about one third of your average novel. Then, before I have any chance to recover, I have to start the process all over again. The schedule is such that I have not been able to take a vacation in over two years. If I take a vacation, we don't have a mag next month.
The company allows me extraordinary flexibility and I can occasionally take four days off if there is a long weekend involved. What has become increasingly apparent to me is that we don't have a Plan B. No one else is available to do the major features. No one else can possibly decipher my cryptic interview notes. If I don't write the bloody thing, it doesn't get written. I don't like working without a net and I don't like being indispensible, despite the job security.
I put the question to the general manager rather bluntly today. What happens if I go down? We're about to find out. I just went down, although I hope to recover enough to get back to writing tomorrow. The last time I was under this kind of stress, I ended up in the hospital with kidney stones. Anyone who knows anything about those puppies can understand why I don't want to go there again.
It's not a question of writer's block. I am quite obviously able to write these exercises in self therapy, but that's a much different task than writing a business magazine. Here, I can just let my desperation flow onto the page. Writing the mag requires a lot more discipline.
Anyway, I spent two hours with Joseph this afternoon and it was a huge relief just to be able to talk it out. He gave me some hypnosis CDs that he guaranteed would help me relax and would probably put me to sleep. I haven't had time to try them out yet. Joseph gave me a lot of validation by telling me that he is amazed that I haven't folded up long before this.
I was also able to talk to Dad's doctor. She seems confident that she can find the resources to get me the caregiving help I so desperately need. We are like many middle class Americans. Between Dad's retirement and my salary, we make too much to get any sort of financial aid. But we don't make enough to put him into any sort of assisted living situation. Those facilities, in case you haven't checked into them, are wildly expensive. And now, a word from our sponsor.
You aging baby boomers, stop what you are doing immediately and look into long term care insurance. If there's any way you can afford it, get it. You do not, under any circumstances, want to put your kids through what I am having to deal with. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.
The fact that I have had extensive training in counseling was both a good and a bad thing. It was good in that it gave me the self-awareness to know that I needed help and the good sense to seek it out. It was bad in that I was far too cognizant of what was happening to me and why it was happening. It would have been much easier, I think, if I had been unaware of the processes that led to my breakdown. Too much self-analysis results in paralysis. I should have sought help much sooner, but I knew too much about what was happening and thought I could fix myself.
The general manager of my company is a very kind and caring woman who also has to deal with a lot of stress. Rhonda not only has to deal with the obstreperous editorial department, but has to deal with our unstable sales staff. There has been a lot of turnover there lately. Rhonda, and even the owner/publisher, have had to get out and hustle up advertising, which, of course, pays the bills and my meager salary.
In addition to the magazines, the company also owns the Bellingham Bells, a summer league baseball team for college players. Rhonda is having to deal with that in addition to the magazines, so she knows from stress. Her chiropractor recommended B complex vitamins and that has apparently helped her a great deal. When she heard about my problems, she immediately went out and bought some B complex and brought them to my home.
Working for people like that is why I have driven myself into a breakdown. There aren't many employers with that kind of compassion and I tend to put a lot more effort into my work than if I was employed by some impersonal corporation. Of course, if she hadn't been so overloaded herself, she might have heard my not so subtle hints that I was feeling overwhelmed.
Such is life at a small business. We spend so much time up to our collective ass in alligators that we don't always take care of ourselves. I don't have a choice anymore. I have to stop and take care of myself. The first steps have been taken. It will be interesting to see if I am functional enough to write the mag in the morning.
If not, we are in deep do-do. Stay tuned. And thanks to all of you blog friends who have offered expressions of support. You are the best.
1:51:11 AM 
|
