Out of the Woods ?

Writers write, so I’m told. Writers also read and think deep thoughts. But fundamentally, they write. They write what they feel and think. They write about what moves them. I am at the end, I hope, of a painfully long episode of writer’s block. I think Art Jacobson was right when he said that it’s due, in part, to having finished the thesis. I wrote a lot of stuff while I was working on the thesis, and Art opines that I probably did so because I was looking for any excuse not to concentrate on writing the thesis, so my energy went to other things. I’ll give him that. The logic would then follow that I need another major writing project to occupy my thoughts so that I can fritter away the time writing other things and not concentrating on that. Well, that may be coming, too. There are some people sniffing around the thesis who want me to start work on turning it into a book. I can see the possibilities, but I’m not yet at the place where I want to start thinking about another hundred or so pages to add to it. Nor am I crazy about the "publish or perish" ethos which I seem to be coming into as I prepare to receive my doctorate. While I agree with Art that this block is in part associated with finishing a Big Project, I am also inclined to think that it’s tied to some deeper stuff that will require some writing (naturally) to sort it out.

Since my little cardiac episode last Christmas, I have hinted in some of my past stuff that this was a wake-up call which has got me flirting around with mortality issues. I find that the immortal 18 year old within me is now in a bitter struggle with the 56 year old who is beginning to believe that he is not as indestructible as he thought and might just be mortal. What I am aware of is this: the struggle between these two is about not wanting to die, for different reasons, and trying like mad to prevent death of any kind. What I mean is that both the 18 year old and the 56 year old are struggling to prevent their deaths, but can’t agree on what death each is trying to prevent. The 18 year doesn’t want to grow up. The 56 year old doesn’t want to admit that he’s starting to fall apart a little and isn’t quite as spry as he’d like to be. But those issues keep both in denial of the one absolute truth we have to live with: that death is inevitable for all of us, and any attempts to skirt that fact keep me (us) from becoming what we were truly created to be on this earth. So I have a fundamental struggle going on within me, with two distinct personalities who don’t want to die, for very different reasons, both of which are in rank denial of the inevitable. At the same time, some rational mid-life mind within me is wanting to get deeper into life, to do more that is meaningful for others, to leave a mark, to do good things. I believe that resolving the denial between the kid and the older man about death as they understand it is the key. Because what the deeper mind is looking for, the things it is yearning to do and afraid that it won’t get done, are things that are done when it is not dwelling on death. One must come to accept death as an unavoidable fact. Once that acceptance has been reached, the mind and the spirit begin to think in more timeless, or eternal ways, and they can focus on the needs of the greater community without thought of loss to, or of, self. I’m just starting to realize that and I think that my inability to write much of anything these many weeks has been due to the struggle over the denial of death. Both the individuals, the 18 year old and the 56 year old, have successfully denied the inevitability of death to the extent that they stop doing anything meaningful and just daydream life away to avoid the pain of the truth that, someday, this world will be without them in it. I think we all have a tough time with that thought and I think that it is at the core of our moments of inactivity and inability to achieve the depth of living our souls yearn for. Dwelling in the eternal is not something we have to wait for. It is available to us now, in this life, and, I think, it is essential to accomplishing the really important things this life calls us to do. One cannot stand against injustice and evil if fear of death is always a prime consideration. Dealing with our death will come. It’s just a matter of when. If we’re worrying about getting meaningful things done in our corner of creation, then we’d best deal with it sooner than later. I’m working toward that end. It may take a life-time, and I begin by realizing that a "life-time" doesn’t mean what it used to 30 years ago. I’m beginning to know that a life-time is finite. I’m also beginning to realize that I’m not as comfortable with dying as I thought I was. I have wondered sometimes why I didn’t have the "life-changing" experiences I’ve heard so much about when I was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, or with the heart trouble last Christmas. I am coming to know now that I didn’t have much of a reaction to either revelation, because I am simply denying my own fragility and mortality. I’m not sure how to wade into the stream on this one, but writing is where I’ll start, and you all are getting the first efforts of one who has been too long away from writing anything much but a post card or two. I haven’t got an answer. The reality is that there is no answer, only acceptance. Going through all the stages now, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, will save the trouble later on, and will open the door to some semblance of eternal thought, where the real work can be done. I’m probably in a mix of the first four now. I think most of us are to some degree. But, my pattern in the past has been to ignore it all and daydream the day away. I think that’s a phenomenal waste of a gift that has so much potential for the world in this life. So I’m working toward accepting my death, and struggling not to just put it off for another day. Odds are I’ve got lots of days ahead. I’d just like to use them better from now on, as if each one was going to be my last.

It's amazing what a cruise can do.

3:17:30 PM   Lay some on me []