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Sunday, January 12, 2003
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Canada announces Nuclear program: World proclaims: "Awwwwwwww" Canadian diplomats confirmed early Friday morning to U.N officials that they also have resumed their Nuclear program. Thought to have been long abandoned, intelligence sources believe that Canada may have enough plutonium extracted to produce 1 or 2 nuclear weapons. Informed of the situation, George Bush broke into a wide grin and said, "Awwwwwww."
Widely believed to be a benign country largely sheltered by the military armada of the Americans, Canada has surprised by showing signs of becoming an increasingly aggressive neighbour. In a press conference to discuss the nuclear issue, Jean Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada, appeared irritated and angered by questions posed by journalists. Asked by one CNN reporter if Canada was trying to remove itself from the American sphere of influence, Chretien responded by making a lewd gesture with his tongue and screaming, "Next question American imperialist!" Chretien appeared disoriented for much of the 1 hour conference, insisting at one point that he was a "big boy" and if he wanted Nuclear Weapons that the Americans couldn't stop him. When Lloyd Fox, a reporter with Fox News informed Chretien that the Americans likely COULD stop him, Chretien repeated the lewd gesture with his tongue, and drove the point home by thrusting his pelvis towards the assembled journalists.
American officials appear to be unconcerned with the news of Canadian deviance, insisting that the Canadians were far too friendly to ever use weapons to incinerate and destroy entire cities. "Why I remember on my last trip to Toronto," one official said, "I accidentally bumped into a nice Canadian man while crossing a busy intersection. Not only did he apologize profusely, but when learning I was alone in the city, offered me his daughter as an escort around town. When I politely said no, he winked and offered me his son. I declined again, and he tipped his hat, french kissed me furiously, and went on his way. You can be shot for that shit in Chicago!"
U.N officials have also largely ignored the admission by Canada, insisting that the tundra like country posed no threat, as the extreme cold rendered all sophisticated technology useless. "We are confident that our Canadian brothers have only the world's best interest at heart," Kofi Annan said in a written statement, "Canada remains a world leader in the brotherhood of peace." Replying the next day, Chretien said through newspaper sources, " Stick it in your wordhole Annan."
1:25:35 PM 
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When in Rio... The air oppresses you in Rio like the corrupt policemen that walk it's streets. The only thing that could ease the suffering was the always available bottles of cheap beer. Slipping into the loving grip of their plastic bottle holders. Five bottles now? Ten? Somewhere around 9pm you stop counting bottles and start counting trips to the stinking pit in the back of the bar. It was a hole in the fucking ground, and it was no shame to leave the stall weeping. The smell attacked the nerves, it attacked the eyes.
"Two more beers!" I yelled at the sullen, disinterested waiter and he disappeared into the back of the building. His eyes said, 'I'd like nothing more than to stick this knife into your ribs," but he liked my green money more than thoughts of revenge. Still I eyed him carefully, there was no knowing when the heat would snap a man's brain in this place, snap it like a twig and hurl him into the street yelling and screaming. This was no place to be drunk and off your head. I took a long swig from my bottle as a dirty 10 year old crawled onto the shoulders of his twin. They flipped and danced in the streets as tourists tossed them change from moving taxis. A band somewhere was playing 80's rock covers. They were playing it loudly and they were playing it poorly.
Next to me sat a juggler who had introduced himself hours ago and proceeded to talk non stop about everything that had ever happened to him. He was talking into his glass, alternately frenzied and subdued, railing about God and aliens and the dirty locals who were always trying to rob him. Seems he and his buddies got drunk one night with a drunk girl. He denied everything of course, swears they didn't touch her. Left her on the side of the road and went back to their hotel. "It was the 70's man," he pleaded with me, "everyone slept with everyone. But I swear we didn't touch her!" He was obviously lying but I didn't care. 'Get out of here you leering hobo', I wanted to tell him but I just nodded my head. His eyes were tearing now. Just left her on the side of the road. He juggled 3, then 4 balls with one hand while he drank his cheap rum with the other. The night was getting ugly fast, but nothing to be done for it in this dirty place. Always trouble creeping right underneath your skin.
I was here with an American friend of some repute. He kept us in drinks and he kept us out of the trouble that our skin would normally draw. "You dress like a tourist and you get killed like a tourist." We're all tourists in this fucking place I wanted to tell him. The knife is hiding in the humid air, and sooner or later they're going to plant it right between your shoulders. We walked down the dirty streets like champs. Reckless and young, two gringos in the eye of the storm. Right here, we're right in the centre, we're right here where everything happens. Each night like the last, the promise of violence and the cheap booze and the clinging women. If New York was the big apple, Rio was the drunk worm in the centre. Lush and corrupt and dirty and alive. Pulsing with an energy that could only come from the understanding that there was nothing but despair, and the compulsion for excess that such knowledge brings.
4:45:41 AM
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© Copyright 2003 Tim.
Last update: 4/6/2003; 3:00:13 AM.
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