tears today
well it happened, I started to cry at work today. I was listening to tunes all day (more on that below) and Beck's Lonesome Tears came on. And next thing I know, I'm welling up with emotion. I shouldn't have been surprised I guess. The same thing happened about a month ago when I was shrooming and the video for Lonesome Tears came on. The song is so beautiful and unbelievably sad. I can just feel the emotions running through Beck and they seem to cut right into me, into the place I shove all my feelings about Bill. We broke up a year and half ago and I thought I was so over the whole mess. But I guess not. I know breaking up was the best thing for me, for both of us really. We were just not healthy for each other. But damn, five years with someone is a long time and I never allowed myself to grieve the loss of our love. I immediately got attached to someone else. I thought I was being smart, getting attached to someone who lived across the Atlantic from me, it felt safe. I had someone who cared for me but I also had my independence. The perfect solution for someone like me who was (is??) terrified of being alone. Unforntunately, I ended up causing a lot of bad feelings between my online boyfriend and myself. And I'm adult enough to realize that it mostly was my fault. I pushed for more then I realized that wasn't what I wanted and pushed away. Yup, my neediness, my selfishness and my stupidity in dealing with my feelings made for a messy situation. Thankfully, I've been able to apoligize and we made friends recently. But did I learn my lesson? Not yet....seems I'm destined to keep fucking up. On to my next interest. This time I thought, okay let's keep this low-key, I don't want a boyfriend but I want a physical relationship. The solution? Friends with benefits. Well, that failed horribly and this time I was the one that got hurt. But that's okay really because I knew if anyone was going to get hurt, it was going to be me.
So yeah...I miss my best friend, that one person that knows you so well, that person that can read your face and know exaclty what kind of day it was. That feeling, when you know you are so loved by someone. I miss that! But it's okay, it is. it's OKAY to be alone. I'm doing fine, I'm completely unattached, I am not even the slightest interested in anyone. Which is exactly where I need to be. But today, hearing Lonesome Tears just brought to the surface all my fears and insecurities surrounding love considering my past record.
music
If you like the pixies, definitely check out Frank Black and the Catholics. Today I listened to the album pistolero. Check out the tunes Bad Harmony, I Switched You, I Love Your Brain and You're Such A Wire.
I also listened to Built To Spill's Keep it like a Secret. Check out You Were Right and Carry the Zero.
I'll leave you with the song that describes my August/September 2002 when I spent some time in a fucked up place :)
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
radiohead
5:27:51 PM 
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