Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Fun Times...Raw Nerves.. The trip to Hawaii was more than I could have expected. I am a very well traveled person but nothing could prepare me for what was there. The travel to, and from, Hawaii is some of the most miserable time you will ever spend on a plane or in an airport. Twenty-four hours traveling is never a good thing! If you have never been, Hawaii is one of the most beautiful and romantic places in the world. This trip was planned over a year ago and could not have come at a better time. I feel as though we really reconnected. We had fun together for the first time in several years. We made promises that we intend to keep and had experiences that we intend to cherish. All in all it was a very good time. While I was there I was pleasantly suprised that any memory of my "girlfriend" did not trigger any kind of emotional response. You have no idea how happy it made me when the memory would disappear as quickly as it had appeared. I found myself thinking about her on purpose simply to make the memory go away again. It was a completely liberating experience. The distance and change of scenery had done wonders. I felt new again. On returning home the slap of reality hit me in the face. I guess that is normal when you return from a vacation. We arrived at home on Saturday and Sunday was spent recovering from jet-lag. Monday when I went to work, things reminded me of what was and the  memory did not go away quickly. I was frustrated and quite upset about it. I had done so well, why now? It felt like the toothache you forget until something hot or cold hits it. It was definately something cold this time. That night my wife was on the computer surfing Salon. There is a wonderful story in the sex section that describes the thought processes of online infidelity. It struck an obviuos chord with me and I thought that it would allow her to better understand what I had done. After she had finished reading the story, she went surfing some more. There was an old link that popped up from a couple of months ago linking to the personals section in Salon. Guess who's picture popped up on the screen? Not mine, hers!!! I got hit with a barrage of questions which I answered truthfully, as I had promised to do. I had not looked at the picture for months and had purposely avoided it since it would simply be a step in the wrong direction. My wife made all kind of wild assumptions from that one picture which I had to dispell before we could begin to talk normally again. There was never any yelling or fighting, just alot of raw nerves. 9:38:35 AM    []

	Thursday, February 27, 2003

I Really Need to Proof My Work... Jeeze my typos and spelling are pretty bad. I guess I'm just in a hurry. Sorry about that.. I fixed today's entry so that it doesn't sound like a five year old wrote it.. Thanks for the forgiveness.... 10:33:20 PM    []

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exagerated... I'm sorry that I haven't written in quite some time. I have been keeping myself very busy at work and at home. There is very little bad going on in my life right now. I seem to need something like that to inspire me to write here. My wife and I have turned a corner and are preparing for our trip to Hawaii next week. We leave tomorrow and it should provide for us what our last trip did not, a chance to fully reconnect. I have basically been stuck trying to find out who the real me was and my wife has been there the whole time time telling that she accepted whomever it was. Love is strange like that. I will try to continue writing when I get back. I sometimes just feel that on this subject there is not much more to say. Let me know if you think I'm wrong. 8:40:54 AM    []

	Friday, February 14, 2003

Be my Valentine.....oh fuck off!! I’m dragging.. I think I’m experience an insulin shock from too many candy hearts. I hate corporate America and their damn holidays. Land of the free, except when it comes to any holiday that happens to have been perpetuated by a card company. Then everything is doubled in price. Valentine’s day is the celebration of the patron saint of love St. Valentine. I wonder how god feels about greed and lust. I didn’t think this day would really affect me. I feel strangely alone and rather uncomfortable in my own skin. I have something inside that wants to crawl out screaming and then run away. Whoa, ok I’m getting a little deep here. Step back, take a deep breath, count to ten. I don’t have anything planned. We decided that we wouldn’t do anything simply because of the commercialism of it. Everyone is expected to do something, so we’ll do the opposite, real original right? I’m sure the night will again consist of some heavy discussion of the present and future. The past is avoided simply because it was a time where I was happy and she was not. Now, due to my past, I’m miserable and well so is my wife. Nothing like wallowing in self-pity to add levity to an already crap day. Did I mention that it is raining? Maybe I’ll lick a wall socket, that would be something different….. 5:40:41 PM    []

	Thursday, February 13, 2003

Premature Premature is generally not a good term when discussing much of anything. Being born premature is a dangerous thing. Premature ejaculation is the bane of a lot of poor teenagers and chronic masturbaters. Premature commitment in a relationship might be just as bad, just as surprising, and amazingly just as messy if not messier. I’m guilty of being premature. I hang my head in shame at it. I can’t help it. It easy to get so excited and then blam!!! No, no, I’m talking about premature commitment, get your head out of the gutter!! I think it is common in these online relationships. I’m borrowing some of the following ideas, but I’ll take credit for them anyway. How easy is it? Answer a personal ad and find out. Of course it might take you a couple of tries, but soon you’ll find someone that you click with. Then what, well let me try to walk you through the stages. One caveat, I'm not the most experienced but, my experiences with it have since been confirmed by the accounting firm of Toilet and Douche, and several other random people. Make an ad and put your best picture and witty description online. If you are lucky enough to not have to lie about your looks or weight or age then lucky you!! Just don’t expect the same from the people who answer. If you looked better 3 years and 50 pounds ago put that picture up. No one will notice I’m sure. If they do explain you recently took up job as the donut tester for Krispy Kreme. You can either wait for some one to click on you (easier if you’re a woman) or click on someone who is attractive. Some people go for the descriptions, but if the picture isn’t good it really doesn’t matter. Shallow? sure, but we are looking for love right? What do you want to roll over next too? Somebody interesting replies back and it is time to put on your best face/faces. When you click with someone it is magical. When you don’t, you know immediately. Ok, so you’ve clicked now what? Basically you kill lots of time at work. Instant Messaging is a great thing. Everything that it sent is put through the thought filter. It is always the right thing to say because you have time to think before you send it. You turn your feelings loose because you have nothing to lose. This is especially true if the person is in another town or state. You begin to trade pictures. It usually gets more risque’ the further along you go. You may even find yourself hiding your hairy palms or running to Wal Mart late at night for batteries. You will eventually talk on the phone. If it doesn’t go well, rinse and repeat step 1. If it does go well, then that will take most of the time before and after work. You may have phone sex, which obviously means that you are perfectly sexually compatible. You then begin to believe that beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was fated that you met. You fall hopelessly in love and begin to make crazy ass plans for the future. You forget that you just met this person and not even face to face. You forget that you have probably lied to make yourself sound better, and of course the object of your affection would never do that. When the meeting takes place it will be awkward. If you don’t drink, now is a good time to start. If the person is a toad, try, try again. If it is everything you expect. Remember the things you said to get this person to meet you and then wonder if they told the whole truth. Realize that the person that you met is not everything you thought. Get you heart broken, fuck up your life and spend lots of money on therapy. Or you could just get married. After all deductables and co-pays suck. Okay, so I’m a bit jaded. But honestly a lot of it goes that way. When you fall, you fall hard. Am I completely over it?, a long way from it. Did I really know my IM girlfriend? Well I knew what she wanted me to know. She certainly didn’t know everything about me. Be careful folks, it is a jungle out there.   5:59:28 PM    []

Somedays I find it hard.... to come up with something to write about. It is not that I don't have anything to write about, it is just that it doesn't seem terrribly important. I generally like to get inspired to write. It is hard to inspired to write when most of your inspiration is gone. It is not always like this. I can't explain what drives me to write sometimes. Other times is seems blindingly clear. Whatever, right? Yeah I know I'm rambling on a bit but I feel like I'm allowed that every once in a while. I appreciate the comments that some of you have posted. Others seem quite dissapointed that I've not completely collapsed or been castrated. Sorry folks, it is not like that. Therapy is going quite well it seems that I learn something new every time. I'll write about that next. Right now? I have to get my coffee and go to work. Hope the title didn't confuse you..... 9:26:48 AM    []

	Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Shit Happens.....   So I'm now quite certain that there is no future for me and my IM girlfriend. I got an e-mail from her, over a week ago, that said, "Hi I'm on with my life now and dating someone new. Thought you'd like to know. It been a while for me now. Hope your relationship is going well. I wish you the best." Greeaaat, that is really what I needed to hear. Thanks for clarifying that for me, and what good timing too? I guess it was her way of saying bye. Everyone needs that I suppose. So I'll do my best to wash my hands of her. Unfortunately, she is sort of like red wine on white carpet, really hard to get out. I guess I'm lucky really. I could be sitting in a friends apartment with him staring at me wondering when I'm going to leave, or replace the food that I've eaten. Or worse I could be at the shelter, or on the street, or dead!!! I may be overeacting a little. No I'm lucky, I'm still in my/our house and I still have a place to go at night. Not bad really. Not too many people are allowed to hang around while they are trying to figure out their own personal meaning of life. Most are booted to the curb and no amount of begging will get them off of it. So am I better off now than I was about 2 months ago? Sure I think so. The idea of death is really not very attractive anymore. I would have made a pretty big mistake if I would have walked. I know now that first I would be completely alone in trying to deal with this. Also my life, even as miserable as it sometimes is right now, would be worse. Cool, not only would I have been a complete wreck, I would have doomed to repeat the same mistakes in the future. At least I know what I did was not right but it allows for an opportunity that was not there before. Self Discovery.. Woo Hoo. Hey as my therapist says.. "Ya know, Shit happens..." 8:45:08 AM    []

	Monday, February 10, 2003

I get by with a little help from my friends... During times like these friends are an absolute necessity. I generally don't share much of my personal private life with my friends simply because most people have enough going on without having to deal with my mess. The people that have stood behind my remind me that I am not alone in this process. This weblog has given me the opportunity to try to put my feelings down in writing. It gives me the opportunity to reflect and think about what I've done. It has also introduced me to a person who has given me alot of strength through the sharing of their own story. You know who you are, and I thank you. Therapy is tomorrow. Wish me luck. 8:09:42 AM    []

	Friday, February 07, 2003

Somedays it is like it never happened.. Other days it is glaringly obvious. This has definately been and emotional roller coaster for me. I think it has been as much of one for my wife as well. We have both agreed that what we want is not what we had. We want it to be better or not at all. I am lucky in the sense that I believe my wife may be a saint. Most people would have booted my ass to the curb so quick it would have made my head spin. She decided that there was more to the realtionship than that. Ultimately, I believe time will tell. We talk a lot, and it rarely gets confrontational. Her finding her strength was pretty quick in coming. It is just now beginning to show itself for me. I trying so hard to move on. Some days it is like it never happened. Other days it is glaringly obvious that it did.   9:05:03 AM    []

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